To Do Lists

Had a long "To do" list for tonight. It's almost 9:30 and I haven't done one thing on the list. This computer chatting is so addicting! It's so fun! I love that a friend or sister and I can talk away for hours, unexpectedly. The funny thing is that if we tried to talk on the phone for so long, we'd both say we don't have time. What is it about computers that gives us permission to not accomplish anything? Is it because it's a tool we use at work? Why do I let myself spend the evening at the computer when I wouldn't let myself do anything else for so long?

Had a great conversation with a friend tonight. I love chatting with him because we laugh so much. It feels so good to laugh! In the midst of all the hell of life, the bitching and moaning I do, I love to laugh! It may seem to some like I never do. They/you don't know me well. Half of what I say isn't serious, except here, in my blog. I like the laughing side of me better. The grief side stinks! But that's why I have to write... to unload the pain ... in order to be able to laugh tomorrow.

My friend and I were raising the question, "Where are we going? What are we going to do with our lives?" Sure wish I had some idea of an answer. He does to. So then we have to laugh. We've both screwed up so badly so far, I'm sure we'll never figure it out until the day we die. And then it will be too late. A member of my church told me today that he thinks I'm great because I'm so real. He doesn't know half of my screwed up life! I told him I could never carry off the perfect person thing. Not possible for me. I'd probably get paid a lot more if I could. That would be nice! All I know is that I have to learn to live with myself, accept myself, love myself. Hmmm. Seems like I'll never do that. At least not at the level I need. Why is that so hard?