Goddamnit!

Can't I please have a decent day without a crisis caused by my ex? Damn! Damn! Damn! That Son of a Bitch! I had such a great day yesterday! I was happier than I've been in over a year! I was feeling confident! I was energetic! Then (villain music, please) HE Walks in here...before my new drill is even charged all the way. Tells the kids they won't have their cell phones until God knows when because he can't pay the bill. Dah! I asked him what he owes, thinking that if I have to I'll bite the bullet and pay the bill just to have the kids' phones turned on. (How do you keep up with a sophomore and a senior without cell phones?) He says, "$366!" "$366?" He continues, "I can't pay any of my bills and can't keep bumming money from my mother so some things just have to go. I can't take the kids for awhile and I can't provide transportation for them either. I just paid rent and don't have money to eat!" "AAAAAhhhhh!!!!"

Goddamnit! Godamnit! Goddamnit! And I have to order all of my oldest's graduation stuff this month. There's no way I can pay that phone bill and order graduation announcements, yearbook and cap and gown! Damn! And do you know who's most angry and who he's blaming? My oldest says it's all my fault that he doesn't have a phone just when he was finally going to ask a girl on a date (He never has taken a girl out on a real date before!). Now his life is ruined! His dad has to scrape for every scrap of food and ...we just get along fine.... "And it's all your fault!!!!"

What the hell am I supposed to do now? It's a lose/lose situation. And of course now I want to give up my precious new drill so I can get my kids their cell phones. Even with that, I don't have enough! I just can't come up with extra money for him every goddamn month! He's killing me!

Is there no end to the guilt? Is there no end to the struggle with this man? It's one thing to deal with feeling guilty over his suffering. I can get over that. But when the kids are so distraught because their father isn't able to eat, what am I to do with that? What am I to do with the fact that they think it's my fault that they can't see their dad because I took all the money? Damn! Damn! Damn! Of course it's never his fault that the asshole has never bothered to get a job that pays anything, and refuses to go get a 2nd job just to survive now!
What if the court orders me to pay alimony? What if I have to provide it all for the kids and the ex? I'll have to get a 2nd job and send the kids to live with him! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I refuse to let this drag me down. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution......... I hope.