It's Saturday night... the dreaded Saturday night. When I face the "demons," of Sunday morning with nothing to say. These Saturday nights are lonely. They're panic time. They're "I can't breathe," time. I always think, " I can't live through another Sunday." Somehow I do, but it's not very pretty. I feel like I'm cheating. I feel like I'm lying. I try not to. I try to only say what I can and still be honest. But how do you pray to an "unknown god," and not feel like a liar? I manage to stick to the words of tradition. That helps. I figure that way I'm repeating what I have believed and someday might believe again. The longer this goes on. The less I think I will ever believe again.
And so it's Saturday night... I'm panicked and need a friend. Someone who doesn't care if I don't believe any of this stuff anymore. And yet, I can't take time to just chat on the phone, or go out somewhere! The deadline is here! I have a vague notion of what I'll say. I have the outline in my head. Can I say it and still be honest? Can I be honest and still say what I have to say? If I could, it would be on paper by now.
I absolutely hate Saturday nights because I hate Sunday mornings! This is not how I envisioned my life at all! I have always loved worship! It's killing me to struggle with it now!
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Stuck in the Tub
A woman who I know, has mental health issues. Serious mental health issues. Her husband is one of those men who seems pretty intelligent when you first meet him. After a few minutes of conversation, you realize that he has mental health issues of his own. Both the woman and man are having back problems. We found this out and tried to take food to them. She refused the food and said they didn't need it. What we didn't know is that she has gone off her medication and is not coherent! I received an email from the neighbor who got the info from papers lying in their house. Evidently one night this week, the neighbor found her out on the lawn, sitting under a tree, at 11pm. He didn't do anything about it at first. And then at midnight another neighbor called and said she was out there screaming! He went out and got her into her house. Her husband, because he can hardly walk, was unable to handle her. The next morning, the neighbor checked and found her on the front porch. She had fallen and couldn't get up. The husband wasn't able to get her in the house. The neighbor gets her in the house but can't get her to stop pacing. So the neighbor emailed me to see if we could get some people in to help them. He tried to get them to call their son who lives out of town and they refused to call and refused to give him the phone number.
So I start calling to get some help in and assess the situation. I have to get some office work done immediately and can't go myself. I'm hoping that we can get the son's phone number. A friend went over there and helped get her calmed down. She was pacing and hadn't slept for 2 days. My friend convinced the husband to call the son. "Yea!" we think. The neighbor goes over there that evening. His wife and mother-in-law start cleaning the house. The woman is nowhere to be seen. The neighbor asks about her. The husband first says she's sleeping and then later says she's in the bathtub. The neighbor is there when the son calls but the husband doesn't let him hear the conversation. We suspect that he is downplaying the whole situation to the son. The neighbor manages to give the husband his phone number and is able to get the son's phone no.
The next day, I talk with the neighbor on the phone. He's concerned because he hasn't see the woman and the husband's answers were conflicting. I tell him I'll call the son. I also tell him that if he sees the woman out at night, confused, he just needs to call me and I'll call the authorities since he has to live next door to them. We're all concerned that she isn't safe because the husband can't physically get around to keep her safe, and she is totally confused.
I call the son. I tell him the events of the week so far. He says he is coming up this weekend to straighten things out. (By now it's Thurs am) He says he has an immediate need, though. His father has just called him and he can't convince his father to call anyone for help. His mother is stuck in the bathtub and has been there since last night! His father can't get her out, so he's drained the bathtub and is bringing her food in the tub. The father is now going to get a ladder and try to get her out with the ladder! Who's confused??? (How the father is going to get a ladder into the bathroom and is unable to lift her, is beyond me. ) I recruit two other women to go over there with me to get her out of the tub. One of them is a nurse since I am concerned about the woman's health at this point.
We drive over there and when we arrive there is a fire truck in front of the house. An ambulance pulls up. They are getting her out of the tub and taking her to the hospital. They say she has dimentia. I explain that it's not dimentia and they need to find out what medicine she's supposed to be taking because she needs to be admitted to a psych unit. They pretend I'm an idiot and I leave. IT WAS EARLY LAST EVENING SINCE SHE GOT INTO THE BATHTUB. IT IS NOW AROUND 2p.m.!!!! IT'S BEEN AROUND 19 HOURS SINCE SHE GOT STUCK. THE HUSBAND IS JUST NOW CALLING FOR HELP!!!!!
I go to the hospital to see her later that evening. She is still in the ER. She is still very confused. I think that I will sit with her and help keep her calm. She keeps telling me to go get her hearing aids on the table next to the green checkbook. She becomes more and more agitated. I decide I'm making matters worse and leave. I give the ER staff the son's phone number. Let them handle it. If they're going to admit her to a regular room and not a psych facility, that's their problem. I call the son. He says he doesn't know if he'll come up then or the next day! I tell him he needs to come as soon as possible! He repeats that he isn't sure when he's coming. I'm done with these people!
Oh, and one more thing. The day the neighbor found her on the porch, the husband said he needed to hurry because he had a physical therapy appointment! The neighbor convinces him that he can't leave his wife right now and needs to cancel the appt. When the neighbor tells me this, I ask how the husband is getting to PT. The neighbor says that he drives himself. At which point I gasp! The husband is legally blind!!!! Look out!!!!! Stay off the streets!!!!!
So I start calling to get some help in and assess the situation. I have to get some office work done immediately and can't go myself. I'm hoping that we can get the son's phone number. A friend went over there and helped get her calmed down. She was pacing and hadn't slept for 2 days. My friend convinced the husband to call the son. "Yea!" we think. The neighbor goes over there that evening. His wife and mother-in-law start cleaning the house. The woman is nowhere to be seen. The neighbor asks about her. The husband first says she's sleeping and then later says she's in the bathtub. The neighbor is there when the son calls but the husband doesn't let him hear the conversation. We suspect that he is downplaying the whole situation to the son. The neighbor manages to give the husband his phone number and is able to get the son's phone no.
The next day, I talk with the neighbor on the phone. He's concerned because he hasn't see the woman and the husband's answers were conflicting. I tell him I'll call the son. I also tell him that if he sees the woman out at night, confused, he just needs to call me and I'll call the authorities since he has to live next door to them. We're all concerned that she isn't safe because the husband can't physically get around to keep her safe, and she is totally confused.
I call the son. I tell him the events of the week so far. He says he is coming up this weekend to straighten things out. (By now it's Thurs am) He says he has an immediate need, though. His father has just called him and he can't convince his father to call anyone for help. His mother is stuck in the bathtub and has been there since last night! His father can't get her out, so he's drained the bathtub and is bringing her food in the tub. The father is now going to get a ladder and try to get her out with the ladder! Who's confused??? (How the father is going to get a ladder into the bathroom and is unable to lift her, is beyond me. ) I recruit two other women to go over there with me to get her out of the tub. One of them is a nurse since I am concerned about the woman's health at this point.
We drive over there and when we arrive there is a fire truck in front of the house. An ambulance pulls up. They are getting her out of the tub and taking her to the hospital. They say she has dimentia. I explain that it's not dimentia and they need to find out what medicine she's supposed to be taking because she needs to be admitted to a psych unit. They pretend I'm an idiot and I leave. IT WAS EARLY LAST EVENING SINCE SHE GOT INTO THE BATHTUB. IT IS NOW AROUND 2p.m.!!!! IT'S BEEN AROUND 19 HOURS SINCE SHE GOT STUCK. THE HUSBAND IS JUST NOW CALLING FOR HELP!!!!!
I go to the hospital to see her later that evening. She is still in the ER. She is still very confused. I think that I will sit with her and help keep her calm. She keeps telling me to go get her hearing aids on the table next to the green checkbook. She becomes more and more agitated. I decide I'm making matters worse and leave. I give the ER staff the son's phone number. Let them handle it. If they're going to admit her to a regular room and not a psych facility, that's their problem. I call the son. He says he doesn't know if he'll come up then or the next day! I tell him he needs to come as soon as possible! He repeats that he isn't sure when he's coming. I'm done with these people!
Oh, and one more thing. The day the neighbor found her on the porch, the husband said he needed to hurry because he had a physical therapy appointment! The neighbor convinces him that he can't leave his wife right now and needs to cancel the appt. When the neighbor tells me this, I ask how the husband is getting to PT. The neighbor says that he drives himself. At which point I gasp! The husband is legally blind!!!! Look out!!!!! Stay off the streets!!!!!
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Lament 2
What difference does it make?
If you are real or not.
What difference does it make?
I want to know... definitely.
If you are real, and life is still awful,
then does it matter?
If you are real and as I used to believe,
you suffer with us,
what difference does it make?
And if it doesn't make a difference,
why does anyone care?
I used to think that if you love someone enough,
they will learn to love themselves, just by being loved.
It wasn't true.
3 times I have given my heart and 3 times they didn't love themselves
and 3 times they didn't love me.
So what difference do you make?
All I've learned is not to trust men or you.
I used to think that physical attraction wasn't important in a love relationship.
I heard that it was, but never had the attraction except to people who were not accessible to me.
Then I thought you brought someone into my life
who I thought I loved both physically and spiritually.
I thought he loved me. I was wrong.
Where were you?
What difference did you make?
I used to think that you brought people into our lives
for us to love them and them to love us.
Although I love some
and some love me, what does that have to do with you?
What difference does it make?
If you are real or not.
What difference does it make?
I want to know... definitely.
If you are real, and life is still awful,
then does it matter?
If you are real and as I used to believe,
you suffer with us,
what difference does it make?
And if it doesn't make a difference,
why does anyone care?
I used to think that if you love someone enough,
they will learn to love themselves, just by being loved.
It wasn't true.
3 times I have given my heart and 3 times they didn't love themselves
and 3 times they didn't love me.
So what difference do you make?
All I've learned is not to trust men or you.
I used to think that physical attraction wasn't important in a love relationship.
I heard that it was, but never had the attraction except to people who were not accessible to me.
Then I thought you brought someone into my life
who I thought I loved both physically and spiritually.
I thought he loved me. I was wrong.
Where were you?
What difference did you make?
I used to think that you brought people into our lives
for us to love them and them to love us.
Although I love some
and some love me, what does that have to do with you?
What difference does it make?
Lament 1
Where have you been?
I cried out to you night and day!
You didn't answer.
I sat in silence waiting for a word
Just a word.
Still, you didn't answer.
I talk with friends and hope to hear you through them.
Still you are silent.
So do you really exist?
Have I been fooling myself all these years?
Have millions of people been fooling themselves for thousands of year?
A man says you are only imagined,
that people make you up so they will feel comforted.
Is that all you are?
I do not feel comforted.
Delusion doesn't comfort me.
I expected wisdom.
I expected guidance.
I get none.
So how do I respond to that suggestion?
You offer me no answers.
You offer me no help.
My faith withers
my hope fades
and still you do not answer.
Maybe he is right.
I cried out to you night and day!
You didn't answer.
I sat in silence waiting for a word
Just a word.
Still, you didn't answer.
I talk with friends and hope to hear you through them.
Still you are silent.
So do you really exist?
Have I been fooling myself all these years?
Have millions of people been fooling themselves for thousands of year?
A man says you are only imagined,
that people make you up so they will feel comforted.
Is that all you are?
I do not feel comforted.
Delusion doesn't comfort me.
I expected wisdom.
I expected guidance.
I get none.
So how do I respond to that suggestion?
You offer me no answers.
You offer me no help.
My faith withers
my hope fades
and still you do not answer.
Maybe he is right.
It Never Ends
Two more people went into the hospital today! AAAAhhhhhh! We have a cloud hanging over us!!! No one related to this church is immune. We're all doomed!!! At least these people are in town! (I hope. One will probably be transferred to a neighboring city.) Off to a hospital, again!
I Keep Hoping
I keep hoping my faith will come back. It seems so odd to be faithless. I'm lost without it. My husband and I used to say that we didn't know how people got through crises without faith. Now I'm finding that in the midst of my crisis, I have none. I just feel numb. Was really hoping that I'd have some great insight during worship last night. I didn't. Now I am getting scared. What will I do with life if I have no faith? What if this isn't temporary? All my friends believe. (And yes, I lost the one friend I had who wasn't a believer. Another great loss in my life! I miss him more than I can explain.) Will I lose all of them? What about my career? What will I do? I'm trying not to panic about this, or make any quick decisions, but it seems like it's been a long time since I believed. Yesterday we entered Lent, the season of repentence... re-turning to God. AAAAahhhhh! It just might kill me to go through Lent, Holy Week, and Easter without belief! It's always meant the most to me! And now I just feel numb. I know that faith isn't about feeling, but I just don't think or feel anything about God. Of course depression has a lot to do with it, but I am not as depressed as I have been. I do enjoy things. Just not anything related to God.
Loss is overwhelming me today. I keep trying to look forward...be hopeful...think positively. Just can't yet. It all seems like loss. My home life, my vision of my future, my faith, my siblings and father since I can't share with them the struggles of my heart and soul, two of my closest friends who I thought were always honest with me and weren't/aren't, god, my career. So much loss. I can't take it.
Loss is overwhelming me today. I keep trying to look forward...be hopeful...think positively. Just can't yet. It all seems like loss. My home life, my vision of my future, my faith, my siblings and father since I can't share with them the struggles of my heart and soul, two of my closest friends who I thought were always honest with me and weren't/aren't, god, my career. So much loss. I can't take it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
A Good Afternoon
Well, I did it. I went to Bravo! and had the most amazing lunch: beef burgundy ravioli in a cream sauce that was to die for. Followed of course by hot tea and their chocolate cake. Every bite was heaven! If you haven't had these, run to the nearest Bravo! and order them. It was lucious! I'm normally a very fast eater. Not so, today. This food is so amazing, you have to take small bites and let them sit on your tongue for a few seconds. You have to slow down enough to savor the joy. It truly is the taste of ecstacy! My only wish was for my friend to be with me. A meal like that is meant to be shared with a good friend.
A Disappointing Night
One of my favorite worship services has been Ash Wednesday. One of my favorite things to do is to have that intimate moment with people I love, as I put the ashes on their forheads. It's just not quite the same when I don't know what I believe. Damn! When will this "Dark night of the soul," end?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Divorce Papers
Are panic attacks normal when you start filling out divorce papers? Couldn't breath today. That hasn't happened since... uh... last Sunday....happens every time I have to preach these days. That's another posting. Anyway, it's odd to think again about dividing things. I think that is what was bothering me today. I was reminded of the antique trunk filled with family photos that need divided... the junk we've collected and have in storage in the attic, etc. Just considering dividing things officially is pretty daunting. It seems so final. I don't want the husband back. That's not it. I guess it's just the continued grief over lost hopes and dreams. It's the thought of being single, which seems so... alone... to me. It's hard. I feel like I'm saying "goodbye" to the life I thought I'd have, with each answer on the pages of my forms. It was never supposed to turn out this way. But I can't change him and therefore, I can't stay married. I don't love him at all anymore anyway. I just never thought I'd be doing this. It doesn't fit my view of myself. Oh well....
I am determined to fill out most of the paperwork tonight and tomorrow morning, though! If only I weren't financially ignorant I might understand half the questions on the form. I guess if I don't know what it is, I don't own it, so I'm putting down n/a.
Chocolate awaits me at the end, though. Bravo! here I come! Lunch time tomorrow!
I am determined to fill out most of the paperwork tonight and tomorrow morning, though! If only I weren't financially ignorant I might understand half the questions on the form. I guess if I don't know what it is, I don't own it, so I'm putting down n/a.
Chocolate awaits me at the end, though. Bravo! here I come! Lunch time tomorrow!
Gaining Perspective
Started to read the journal of a Methodist missionary who served in China, during WWII and after. What an amazing life! Her daughter, (who I know) spent her infancy in a Japanese prison camp! Now I understand why her daughter is so easy going. It takes a lot to upset her. After living through all she's been through, I can understand that most of the things we get upset about are only minor. Sometimes we need to see the global picture to see clearly what's important and what is not. At the same time, it was interesting how some things that seem minor to us were quite significant. For instance, they had to take their own toilet seats to their prison camp and when you went to the bathroom you carrried it with you, to and from your quarters. Caring for an infant in this camp of course caused problems beyond belief. What tough people! This story is really helping me step back and look at the bigger picture of life. And of course having 5 hours of nap time yesterday has also helped!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
More Rest!
Wahoo! The almost ex has even agreed to pick kids up from school on Tues and Wed.!!!! It's a miracle! I can't wait. On Wed., hopefully I'll get my divorce papers done in the am and treat myself to lunch and the MOST AMAZING CHOCOLATE DESERT IN THE WORLD at Bravo!
Can't wait!
Can't wait!
Rest
Taking some time off this week, unless there's another major crisis, of course. I'm so exhausted I barely made it through worship today. Slept the whole afternoon and could go back to bed now for the night. Instead, I have work to do. BUT told them I have to get rest or they'll be visiting me in the hospital. Even arranged for two other people to cover me for minor emergencies! Yea! Of course we found out today that 3 more people in the church are indeed in crisis. And one member's daughter-in-law had a third heart attack at age 46, coded, was declared dead and 5 min later started breathing. Now they're going to determine how much brain damage she has. Is there something in the atmosphere? Is it just us, or is everyone having crazy problems? I feel terrible for all these people, suffering so much!
Anyway, here's the plan...
Tonight: do what work needs to be done before Wed. night.
Monday: sleep as much as possible. If it's nice, I'm going to the outdoor mall. If it's not, I may just read a book just for fun! Maybe a quick mystery.
Tuesday: Sleep as much as possible, again. Go to the outdoor mall. Start working on my divorce papers. If it's cold, take the paper work to the indoor mall Barnes and Noble Starbucks.
Wednesday: Work on divorce papers. Then show up at work for the evening.
At some point I'm going to the Italian restaurant that has THE MOST AMAZING CHOCOLATE DESERT ON EARTH! IT IS TRULY A MIRACLE ON A PLATE! Can't decide which day to go really pamper myself with that.
Now I have a new mantra: Sleep... Chocolate... Tea! Sleep... Chocolate... Tea! I can't wait!
Anyway, here's the plan...
Tonight: do what work needs to be done before Wed. night.
Monday: sleep as much as possible. If it's nice, I'm going to the outdoor mall. If it's not, I may just read a book just for fun! Maybe a quick mystery.
Tuesday: Sleep as much as possible, again. Go to the outdoor mall. Start working on my divorce papers. If it's cold, take the paper work to the indoor mall Barnes and Noble Starbucks.
Wednesday: Work on divorce papers. Then show up at work for the evening.
At some point I'm going to the Italian restaurant that has THE MOST AMAZING CHOCOLATE DESERT ON EARTH! IT IS TRULY A MIRACLE ON A PLATE! Can't decide which day to go really pamper myself with that.
Now I have a new mantra: Sleep... Chocolate... Tea! Sleep... Chocolate... Tea! I can't wait!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
New life... I need to start a new life
Okay, so we plan this amazing Celebration of Life. It's perfect. There's a powerpoint picture presentation at the beginning that was perfectly done. We included some of R's favorite music. The scriptures, the message, the prayers are all perfectly connected and there's a wonderful flow to the service. It all fit R perfectly. Here's the kicker: the people who left the church because they hate me, all showed up for the service. I'm standing up there thinking, "I just designed this amazing service for this amazing person, and it's attended by people who tried to destroy me and my family! I'm leading worship for people who literally sought my demise!" And then, R's son slept through the whole damn thing!!!! He slept through his mother's funeral!!!!! That's a first! I have never, in all my career seen that before!!!!! And then, the Jackass didn't pay me for the service!!! Another relative came and gave me what is equivalent to $5.00/hr for my time!!!!! I hate these people! I hate working so hard and doing so much and being totally unappreciated, and looking over my shoulder for those hateful, backstabbers!!!! The emails were probably flying tonight about how horrible I am, etc!!! Damn!! I have to find another career. I don't think I can do this much longer!!!! And now I've just gotten home, (12 hours after I left my house) from doing 2 hospital visits, and now I have to START preparing for tomorrow! I just want to go to bed. I think I'm about to fall on my face.
I promised myself that I'd quit whining so much. Maybe another day. Today sucked!!!
I promised myself that I'd quit whining so much. Maybe another day. Today sucked!!!
A few minutes to write
I'm heading to do R's burial and "Celebration of R's life." The newspaper wrote an article about her yesterday. I'm excited that her life has been recognized by so many as pretty amazing. If I had known half of it, I would have been a closer friend to her. Oh well. Can't take that back.
Have to go do 2 hospital visits in two different towns, after the service today. Don't know when I'll have a chance to prepare for tomorrow.
Been thinking about something.... I have this couple who are in extreme crisis with cancer, but they won't let me visit. They're very proud people and it's important for them and their house to look good when anyone visits. Every time I call, he's bawling on the phone and gets off the phone as quickly as possible because he's crying so hard. It's breaking my heart! He's said several things to lead me to believe that they're losing their faith. And amazingly enough that's really bothering me! For some reason it's okay for me to lose my faith, but I feel like a mother bear who can't get to her cubs and they're in trouble! Go figure! Yesterday, he was supposed to have a procedure. He wanted me to be there, but never told me where or when. I called everyone I knew, trying to find him. couldn't reach anyone who knew anything. Even after I picked up my kids, I went to the Lowe's to buy something and went to the one over by a couple of hospitals and sat in a parking lot calling all over the place, thinking that I'd be right there to go visit. After 1/2hr of phone calls, I found out that he didn't have the procedure, and of course didn't let me know! These are not people who don't like me. There are plenty of those, but these are people who give me presents all the time. I know them fairly well. It's really bothering me. then I think, "If it's bothering you so much, S, then that's your problem, not theirs." Anyway, been pondering all that these past several days. Why does it bother me that they are losing their faith? Why does it bother me that they won't let me support them in their crisis? Something to think about on my drives this afternoon. You'd think I'd be relieved that they are not needing visited when I have so many other people in crisis right now.
Have to go do 2 hospital visits in two different towns, after the service today. Don't know when I'll have a chance to prepare for tomorrow.
Been thinking about something.... I have this couple who are in extreme crisis with cancer, but they won't let me visit. They're very proud people and it's important for them and their house to look good when anyone visits. Every time I call, he's bawling on the phone and gets off the phone as quickly as possible because he's crying so hard. It's breaking my heart! He's said several things to lead me to believe that they're losing their faith. And amazingly enough that's really bothering me! For some reason it's okay for me to lose my faith, but I feel like a mother bear who can't get to her cubs and they're in trouble! Go figure! Yesterday, he was supposed to have a procedure. He wanted me to be there, but never told me where or when. I called everyone I knew, trying to find him. couldn't reach anyone who knew anything. Even after I picked up my kids, I went to the Lowe's to buy something and went to the one over by a couple of hospitals and sat in a parking lot calling all over the place, thinking that I'd be right there to go visit. After 1/2hr of phone calls, I found out that he didn't have the procedure, and of course didn't let me know! These are not people who don't like me. There are plenty of those, but these are people who give me presents all the time. I know them fairly well. It's really bothering me. then I think, "If it's bothering you so much, S, then that's your problem, not theirs." Anyway, been pondering all that these past several days. Why does it bother me that they are losing their faith? Why does it bother me that they won't let me support them in their crisis? Something to think about on my drives this afternoon. You'd think I'd be relieved that they are not needing visited when I have so many other people in crisis right now.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Interesting Crowd
The funeral is tomorrow and the family has been feuding since R's death. R's children against the caregivers and R's stepsons. It's very sad that R's children are giving the caregivers such a hard time. They deserve to be treated well after all they've done for R. I am amazed. I've actually never been caught in a family feud before. Can't wait to figure out the seating of the "family" tomorrow. If it's possible that R is seeing what's happening, she is really pissed, I'm sure! Just not sure who she'd be more pissed at.
I'm kind of caught in the middle of all of it, except that R's son doesn't know that I know what's going on. At least he acts like he thinks I don't know. The other interesting factor in tomorrow's activities is that most of the people who left the church due to anger, will be at the service. They can't stand me. They tried to get me fired with the lies they made up about me. Every time we have a funeral, they show up. It's going to be so fun! Can't wait to see how it all turns out!
Have to get some sleep. Have to be at work at 9am and I desperately need some sleep.
Good night
I'm kind of caught in the middle of all of it, except that R's son doesn't know that I know what's going on. At least he acts like he thinks I don't know. The other interesting factor in tomorrow's activities is that most of the people who left the church due to anger, will be at the service. They can't stand me. They tried to get me fired with the lies they made up about me. Every time we have a funeral, they show up. It's going to be so fun! Can't wait to see how it all turns out!
Have to get some sleep. Have to be at work at 9am and I desperately need some sleep.
Good night
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Still Tired
I think there is not much that is more exhausting than sitting in a hospital waiting room. For some reason that sitting and waiting totally drains me. Let me plan a program. Let me plan worship. After those things I am energized! I'm ready to go! After sitting for just 2hrs in a hospital waiting room, I am exhausted, drained and stir crazy! Of course I've never been good at sitting still for long. Please, God, make me do it again! I haven't had enough waiting room time! I think I actually have to go do it again tomorrow. Don't even know what hospital yet. At least I'm learning what I like and don't like.
I need a new life and so does just about everyone I know. I'm not even going to ask if it can get worse. It might.
At least tomorrow I will go to a nice restaurant for lunch, and visit with some great people! Looking forward to that. I've been eating out with friends a lot lately. That's been the one sane hour of my days. For that I am grateful. I also have the joy of having a man hit on me the whole time tomorrow. He's married. He's not my type. At least I will feel appealing. The only problem is that he loves to embarrass me and make me blush. Don't appreciate that. Maybe he'll behave tomorrow with a larger group. Or it could just give him a larger audience. We'll see.
Too tired to think. Too tired to write anything creative. Good night.
I need a new life and so does just about everyone I know. I'm not even going to ask if it can get worse. It might.
At least tomorrow I will go to a nice restaurant for lunch, and visit with some great people! Looking forward to that. I've been eating out with friends a lot lately. That's been the one sane hour of my days. For that I am grateful. I also have the joy of having a man hit on me the whole time tomorrow. He's married. He's not my type. At least I will feel appealing. The only problem is that he loves to embarrass me and make me blush. Don't appreciate that. Maybe he'll behave tomorrow with a larger group. Or it could just give him a larger audience. We'll see.
Too tired to think. Too tired to write anything creative. Good night.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I'm Tired
I'm so tired. How tired are you? I'm so tired my feet feel like they're falling off my body and I wish they would. I'm so tired, my eyelids feel like sandpaper. I'm so tired that depression is getting a hold of me again/still/whatever. It was a very full day and I still have work to do before bed!
Started my day at the office at 9:30 since last night didn't end until today. But by then I had talked with three people by phone and caught up with several emails from home. At the office I wrote another article for the newsletter and attempted to plan Sunday, but ran out of time with phone calls and computer keyboard problems.
Did go have lunch with a good friend in the gay section of the big city. That was loads of fun! A new place to explore with great restaurants and great looking men. Of course they were all gay...sigh. Anyway, had a brief lunch and headed to my new therapist's office. I think I'm going to like her! She doesn't seem threatened by my faith questioning or my profession. That's a miracle right there! It's only taken a year to find someone who can handle those two! I just hope I'm right because I'm tired of having to change therapists and start all over again! It was nice getting to know each other today and feeling some support without judgement. She told me that I need to simplify my life while I'm grieving. And I forgot to tell her that half the people I know are in a hospital, ill, dead, or in a rehab right now! Dah! I guess her suggestion sounded so good I enjoyed the thought without thinking about the crises that keep multiplying. Have a surgery patient to be with tomorrow and one on Friday. then a funeral, burial and luncheon on Sat. I hope I get to sleep sometime in all of that.
Maybe at some point I'll get to ponder all of this chaos. Until then....
Started my day at the office at 9:30 since last night didn't end until today. But by then I had talked with three people by phone and caught up with several emails from home. At the office I wrote another article for the newsletter and attempted to plan Sunday, but ran out of time with phone calls and computer keyboard problems.
Did go have lunch with a good friend in the gay section of the big city. That was loads of fun! A new place to explore with great restaurants and great looking men. Of course they were all gay...sigh. Anyway, had a brief lunch and headed to my new therapist's office. I think I'm going to like her! She doesn't seem threatened by my faith questioning or my profession. That's a miracle right there! It's only taken a year to find someone who can handle those two! I just hope I'm right because I'm tired of having to change therapists and start all over again! It was nice getting to know each other today and feeling some support without judgement. She told me that I need to simplify my life while I'm grieving. And I forgot to tell her that half the people I know are in a hospital, ill, dead, or in a rehab right now! Dah! I guess her suggestion sounded so good I enjoyed the thought without thinking about the crises that keep multiplying. Have a surgery patient to be with tomorrow and one on Friday. then a funeral, burial and luncheon on Sat. I hope I get to sleep sometime in all of that.
Maybe at some point I'll get to ponder all of this chaos. Until then....
Rosemary
It is 1:13am. My friend died tonight. She was surrounded by the most beautiful, strong, loving women I have ever seen. They cherished her and cared for her until she took her last breath. Two of them stayed with her around the clock since last week. They were not her family but they were more family than her blood family. They loved her. They laughed and cried with her. They shared their stories. They planned her funeral. They comforted each other. They shared that "different kind of quiet," of a loved one's death. These were the gifts they gave and the gifts they received, in that holy time of life and death...time when all things of ultimate value rise to the top, and all else falls away. And it was beautiful!
Tomorrow I will continue to wrestle with my faith issues of what death means. Tonight it is time to rest in the love that was/is shared.
Tomorrow I will continue to wrestle with my faith issues of what death means. Tonight it is time to rest in the love that was/is shared.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Affection
Plug your ears. I mean, "Close your eyes," if you have a conservative vision of me. Oh yah! I forgot. I don't give my blog address to people like that. Of course I know that other people can read this, but if I can't remember the long address, why would they?
Anyway, my friend and I were chatting about affection tonight. It seems so strange to me that my friends are shocked that my husband never showed me basic affection. I've had friends say, "He never tongued your ear?" "No, he never did that. He never even tongued my mouth except during sex! " "He never caressed your neck or kissed your neck?" "No, he never did that." I think I wrote some of this before, but a kiss with tongue in the kitchen meant, "I'm horny. Let's have sex tonight." Otherwise it was kissing like I kiss my sisters and father. No lip. No tongue. The amazing thing to me now is how others react to my telling them this. I'm actually shocked to find out that they're shocked! Most of my friends react by cussing very loudly or saying, "You're kidding!" I'm so stupid, he had me convinced that to expect any affection was ridiculous! I'm so stupid I thought what we had was normal. Most of my male friends complain that they don't get enough sex. Most of my female friends say they can live without it. I didn't realize that sometimes husbands actually caress their wives without it being foreplay! Or they are affectionate as foreplay! Go figure! Isn't that outrageous?!
Actually, the 20 year argument was. "Why aren't you affectionate at all?" vs. "Why don't you ever want to have sex?" I think I've figured it out.
First of all, when you gain 50 lbs the first year of marriage, don't expect the same attraction as when you were thin. It's not going to happen unless I've gained 50, too. And that's not going to happen in my life! If men are so busy worrying about the size of their penises, why do they make them look tiny by being 50-100lbs overweight? What do you think it looks like next to a beer belly? What goes with beer? Peanuts. I rest my case. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh, but you know me! I don't edit much in this blog and I can only speak for my own sexual attraction quirks. I'm sure many men think I'm too skinny. And God knows there are only a handful of skinny guys out there who aren't gay.
The other thing I've figured out is that affection is foreplay. Even if the sex isn't for a few days, it's still sexy and exciting. For me, sexual attraction has to be in the context of affection. I can't do uncaring sex. I just can't. I'm done with that! And affection is just plain necessary for any marital relation. Or dating relationship. I want so badly to have someone just caress my neck. A friend of mine says I'm too easy. I want so badly to have someone want to just show me he cares! I watch movies and I can almost remember what it feels like to have someone touch my neck or really kiss me. And then I cry. Sigh!
Of course my ex was affectionate when we dated. He was giving and attentive. So what happened? It all stopped during the first year of marriage. So how do you know ahead of time? How do you know that what you get when you are dating is going to last after the wedding bells? How do you know that the looks aren't just a trap and will go out the window as soon as you're married? How do you know these things? I need to know! Maybe a reason to stay single the rest of my life.
Anyway, my friend and I were chatting about affection tonight. It seems so strange to me that my friends are shocked that my husband never showed me basic affection. I've had friends say, "He never tongued your ear?" "No, he never did that. He never even tongued my mouth except during sex! " "He never caressed your neck or kissed your neck?" "No, he never did that." I think I wrote some of this before, but a kiss with tongue in the kitchen meant, "I'm horny. Let's have sex tonight." Otherwise it was kissing like I kiss my sisters and father. No lip. No tongue. The amazing thing to me now is how others react to my telling them this. I'm actually shocked to find out that they're shocked! Most of my friends react by cussing very loudly or saying, "You're kidding!" I'm so stupid, he had me convinced that to expect any affection was ridiculous! I'm so stupid I thought what we had was normal. Most of my male friends complain that they don't get enough sex. Most of my female friends say they can live without it. I didn't realize that sometimes husbands actually caress their wives without it being foreplay! Or they are affectionate as foreplay! Go figure! Isn't that outrageous?!
Actually, the 20 year argument was. "Why aren't you affectionate at all?" vs. "Why don't you ever want to have sex?" I think I've figured it out.
First of all, when you gain 50 lbs the first year of marriage, don't expect the same attraction as when you were thin. It's not going to happen unless I've gained 50, too. And that's not going to happen in my life! If men are so busy worrying about the size of their penises, why do they make them look tiny by being 50-100lbs overweight? What do you think it looks like next to a beer belly? What goes with beer? Peanuts. I rest my case. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh, but you know me! I don't edit much in this blog and I can only speak for my own sexual attraction quirks. I'm sure many men think I'm too skinny. And God knows there are only a handful of skinny guys out there who aren't gay.
The other thing I've figured out is that affection is foreplay. Even if the sex isn't for a few days, it's still sexy and exciting. For me, sexual attraction has to be in the context of affection. I can't do uncaring sex. I just can't. I'm done with that! And affection is just plain necessary for any marital relation. Or dating relationship. I want so badly to have someone just caress my neck. A friend of mine says I'm too easy. I want so badly to have someone want to just show me he cares! I watch movies and I can almost remember what it feels like to have someone touch my neck or really kiss me. And then I cry. Sigh!
Of course my ex was affectionate when we dated. He was giving and attentive. So what happened? It all stopped during the first year of marriage. So how do you know ahead of time? How do you know that what you get when you are dating is going to last after the wedding bells? How do you know that the looks aren't just a trap and will go out the window as soon as you're married? How do you know these things? I need to know! Maybe a reason to stay single the rest of my life.
To Do Lists
Had a long "To do" list for tonight. It's almost 9:30 and I haven't done one thing on the list. This computer chatting is so addicting! It's so fun! I love that a friend or sister and I can talk away for hours, unexpectedly. The funny thing is that if we tried to talk on the phone for so long, we'd both say we don't have time. What is it about computers that gives us permission to not accomplish anything? Is it because it's a tool we use at work? Why do I let myself spend the evening at the computer when I wouldn't let myself do anything else for so long?
Had a great conversation with a friend tonight. I love chatting with him because we laugh so much. It feels so good to laugh! In the midst of all the hell of life, the bitching and moaning I do, I love to laugh! It may seem to some like I never do. They/you don't know me well. Half of what I say isn't serious, except here, in my blog. I like the laughing side of me better. The grief side stinks! But that's why I have to write... to unload the pain ... in order to be able to laugh tomorrow.
My friend and I were raising the question, "Where are we going? What are we going to do with our lives?" Sure wish I had some idea of an answer. He does to. So then we have to laugh. We've both screwed up so badly so far, I'm sure we'll never figure it out until the day we die. And then it will be too late. A member of my church told me today that he thinks I'm great because I'm so real. He doesn't know half of my screwed up life! I told him I could never carry off the perfect person thing. Not possible for me. I'd probably get paid a lot more if I could. That would be nice! All I know is that I have to learn to live with myself, accept myself, love myself. Hmmm. Seems like I'll never do that. At least not at the level I need. Why is that so hard?
Had a great conversation with a friend tonight. I love chatting with him because we laugh so much. It feels so good to laugh! In the midst of all the hell of life, the bitching and moaning I do, I love to laugh! It may seem to some like I never do. They/you don't know me well. Half of what I say isn't serious, except here, in my blog. I like the laughing side of me better. The grief side stinks! But that's why I have to write... to unload the pain ... in order to be able to laugh tomorrow.
My friend and I were raising the question, "Where are we going? What are we going to do with our lives?" Sure wish I had some idea of an answer. He does to. So then we have to laugh. We've both screwed up so badly so far, I'm sure we'll never figure it out until the day we die. And then it will be too late. A member of my church told me today that he thinks I'm great because I'm so real. He doesn't know half of my screwed up life! I told him I could never carry off the perfect person thing. Not possible for me. I'd probably get paid a lot more if I could. That would be nice! All I know is that I have to learn to live with myself, accept myself, love myself. Hmmm. Seems like I'll never do that. At least not at the level I need. Why is that so hard?
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Would Everyone Please Get Well?
Would you all please get well so that I can have a day off, PLEASE?! I'm tired. I hate working 7 days a week. I've had one Friday off since the beginning of January! This isn't good! I'm spending more time at hospitals than any doctors I know! They get to send their patients off to the hospitalists. Not me! And right now I get to go to 4 different hospitals! Pretty soon I'll be the patient and you can come visit me! One person is getting discharged from rehab this week. That's it. The rest are still on my "run to visit" list. Ahhhh! I want to go take a nap but I just got home and it's almost time to pick up my son and fix supper. Did someone say "Take Out?" Surely it's an instant food and veg in front of the TV night! Yes, my blogs sound totally self-centered. I fully admit that they are. This is the only place where it gets to be about me. The whole rest of my life is about someone else. So as I told some people today, "Get over it."
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Humiliating
There is nothing more humiliating than going into a grocery store as a single woman, on Valentine's Day, by myself, to buy dog treats and cat food! Somebody call the paramedics with the straight jacket! Or call animal control. I'm not sure which, but if I have fishy breath tomorrow morning, you'll know I've gone over the edge!
I Give Up
Okay, it seems that I'm going to be in a terrible mood all day. Crying at the "drop of a hat," just seems inevitable. Why not put it to use? My dying friend is in the worst rehab hospital in the city. It's dirty, noisy and uncaring. That's why several of us go up there a lot. I was not going to go see her today. I thought I'd avoid that depressing scene. Now I've changed my mind. I'll go visit her and be sad in a sad place. I'll go visit her step-son who is in the main hospital across the street, and grumpy as can be. I can't beat this depression. I might as well just go with it. I just hope I don't see 1,000 Valentine's Day balloons in everyone's room. Probably will. Sigh. The hard part is that in my role, I'm supposed to be the symbol of hope. Damn! Wish I had some!
Friday, February 13, 2009
Attitude Adjustment
Trying to adjust my attitude about Valentine's Day. I have to live through another one, so I might as well try to do it with ....grace? Well at least not kill someone if they wish me a "Happy Valentine's Day." Been thinking about my past V's Days. One year I left my first husband. That one sucked big time. Spent the day crying at my friend's house while she had a party downstairs. The best days were making babies! We may our first son on V's Day. I had the flu and so we had no plans for a date. I felt good enough to go out at the last minute. We went out to Denny's! It was the only place without a long line and I couldn't be out long enough to stand in line. It was lousy, of course! So... we went home and made my oldest. I don't remember the sex, just the great kid that came as a result! I am utterly thrilled with the result of that V's Day. Another year, we were camping with my parents for the weekend. We thought, "We won't be making any babies this year!" My oldest was sleeping in a tent with us. He was just over a year and wild as could be. Ran every time his feet hit the ground. We had to keep putting him in the car and letting him play with all the buttons just so we could take short breaks from running after him! Anyway, the long and short of it is that I was about 5 days pregnant at the time. So that was another good year for V's Day! I can at least count two of them as good. The rest were not remarkable, forgettable, totally not worth crap. What happened? Oh yah, I had a jerk of a husband and I didn't even realize it!
I really have to stop doing that negative thinking. For today, I think it's a lost cause to even try. I guess I'll just ride this terrible attitude! Just don't wish me a "Happy Valentine's Day." I might have to hurt you!
I really have to stop doing that negative thinking. For today, I think it's a lost cause to even try. I guess I'll just ride this terrible attitude! Just don't wish me a "Happy Valentine's Day." I might have to hurt you!
17 Minutes
It's now 17 minutes until Valentine's Day. I'm hiding in my house and wearing black. It's the only appropriate thing to do. Perhaps I'll top it off by working on my divorce papers! And maybe I'll go visit two hospitals. Wahoo! Are we having fun yet? This could be my worst V's Day ever!
Going to bed now. Just came home from the death bed. What a day! And to top it off, no emails or messages from anyone. I was hoping to have missed something fun while visiting my dying friend, or at least come home to an email from someone besides CVS Pharmacy photo discount! What an exhausting life!
Going to bed now. Just came home from the death bed. What a day! And to top it off, no emails or messages from anyone. I was hoping to have missed something fun while visiting my dying friend, or at least come home to an email from someone besides CVS Pharmacy photo discount! What an exhausting life!
There is No "We!"
When will he learn that there is no, "We?" Yesterday a phone call, "We need to get together and talk about things. I can't pay my bills, my bank account is overdrawn, I have no gas, I have a ticket that I can't pay and I'm afraid that I'll be arrested. I never get to see my kids because I can't afford to. We need to get together and figure this out!" It's like the needle across the album. urrrrrick! What? "We" need to figure this out? "We?" We haven't been a "we" for almost a year! What part of that does he not understand?
This morning, another phone call: "I'm sorry for yesterday. I just don't know what to do. I can't pay my bills. I'm depressed and totally alone. I can't see the kids because I can't feed them." "Here we go again!" I think. At least this time he's not yelling. Calmly I respond, "G, I don't have any money to give you. I need to pay the mortgage and car payment and live until next payday. I can't help you right now. I can share some groceries if you really need them. And you don't need money to have your kids over for a few hours. You can see them!" ..... The conversation drones on. " I hate to ask you. I'd rather die than ask you for money." Sure! He should be dead then! He asks me every month for help! I'm trying to be patient and not yell at him. "Well, G. if what you're doing isn't working for you, you really need to figure out how to do it differently. If you can't figure it out, you'll have to ask someone else to help you figure it out." DAH!!!! Okay, I'm done. I can't say any more. I try to disengage from this conversation. He drones on. "I'm trying to find more work. I just need .... more a month!........." My brain shuts off and focuses on my son who's trying to tell me he has a stomach ache. My son is doubled over with stomach pains. "I have to go take care of S_ now! ... I have to go...S_ isn't feeling well I have to go...." Finally relief!
I wish I didn't feel so guilty when he's hurting. I wish I could say he just pisses me off and I don't care. After 20 years of taking care of him, it's hard to let go of that. No matter what kind of jerk he is, I do care about him. I don't want him to suffer. I want him to be okay. And I have to just let him drown until he learns to swim on his own. It's soooo hard. Again, my greatest fear is that he'll end up on the streets, and my children will hate me, or beg me to take him in! Last night I had to call 2 friends and ask them to help me be strong. Help me remember to say, "No." They were wonderful! They reminded me that "There is no, 'we,' anymore!"
This morning, another phone call: "I'm sorry for yesterday. I just don't know what to do. I can't pay my bills. I'm depressed and totally alone. I can't see the kids because I can't feed them." "Here we go again!" I think. At least this time he's not yelling. Calmly I respond, "G, I don't have any money to give you. I need to pay the mortgage and car payment and live until next payday. I can't help you right now. I can share some groceries if you really need them. And you don't need money to have your kids over for a few hours. You can see them!" ..... The conversation drones on. " I hate to ask you. I'd rather die than ask you for money." Sure! He should be dead then! He asks me every month for help! I'm trying to be patient and not yell at him. "Well, G. if what you're doing isn't working for you, you really need to figure out how to do it differently. If you can't figure it out, you'll have to ask someone else to help you figure it out." DAH!!!! Okay, I'm done. I can't say any more. I try to disengage from this conversation. He drones on. "I'm trying to find more work. I just need .... more a month!........." My brain shuts off and focuses on my son who's trying to tell me he has a stomach ache. My son is doubled over with stomach pains. "I have to go take care of S_ now! ... I have to go...S_ isn't feeling well I have to go...." Finally relief!
I wish I didn't feel so guilty when he's hurting. I wish I could say he just pisses me off and I don't care. After 20 years of taking care of him, it's hard to let go of that. No matter what kind of jerk he is, I do care about him. I don't want him to suffer. I want him to be okay. And I have to just let him drown until he learns to swim on his own. It's soooo hard. Again, my greatest fear is that he'll end up on the streets, and my children will hate me, or beg me to take him in! Last night I had to call 2 friends and ask them to help me be strong. Help me remember to say, "No." They were wonderful! They reminded me that "There is no, 'we,' anymore!"
Not Ready to Face Today
I'm living in denial right this very minute. Not ready to face the day ahead. More of the ex calling to complain, I'm sure. More death to face. That's the real issue. More death, more loss. How do you prepare yourself for that? I'm tired. I'm weak. I've lost more than I can write about this month and I just want to crawl back into my bed and go to sleep. But even in my dreams, loss haunts me. I look at my child who slept on the floor next to my bed last night. He's wrapped like a cocoon in his homemade quilt. He's not ready to face the day either. I let him sleep. There has to be some advantage to being a child who's been through great pain. I am so proud of him. He has looked death and loss in the face and cried his way through it. May no chauvinist jerk teach him to do otherwise! He faced it with grace, gratitude and honesty. "Have a happy afterlife," he wrote! That's about the best blessing I have ever heard in my life! Thoughts of him strengthen me for the day. Perhaps I can face it after all.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Child and Death
I took my youngest with me to the hospital tonight. Expected to plunk him in a waiting room and work at my computer while I was just there for supporting R's caregivers. I'd already worshipped and spent time with her. Should have known that life does not work that way. My son walked right into R's room and up to her bed. Her face lit up and she said, "He's so handsome." You could tell that she was pleased to see a child there. Later, as I was explaining to the friends/family about the process of dying, my son goes across the hallway and I could see the tears forming in his eyes. He turned away as they rolled down his cheeks. Immediately I took him to the waiting room. He cried and cried. He couldn't talk. I couldn't figure out why he was so upset since he doesn't know R. He finally said, "She's always been so nice to me at church, and I never appreciated her, and now she's dying. I never did anything for her and now it's too late!" Well, break my heart! What a sweet kid I have! I offered to take him home. He said he wouldn't leave. He wanted to stay. I questioned him for several minutes about what he wanted to do about all his feelings. He finally agreed to make a card to thank her.
We sat in the waiting room. He with his markers and a piece of paper. Me with my computer, wishing I had Internet, but playing free cell instead. He drew. He wrote. He talked about how sad it was that she was dying. He talked about how sad he was that her family members don't love her very much, but her friends do. He wrote some more and drew some hearts. He handed it to me and said, "You need to give it to her. I can't stay in the room long enough."
Off to R's room we went, bearing maybe her last gift. My son came in the room, then darted out of the room. I showed R. the card. It said, "Have a happy afterlife!" love S____ Thank you for being nice and complimenting me and everything else." R said she it was sweet of him to give it. At which point I realized that S___ was back at my elbow. She thanked him.
On the way home in the car, S____ said, "I'm really glad I went tonight, Mom. I almost swerved the car! "You are?" I'm thinking I've totally traumatized my child and shouldn't have taken him. I'm thinking that I'm glad he saw this for the first time with someone he doesn't really know well. And yet I think I've totally scarred him for life and I am a horrible mother, once again. S___ continues, "I'm glad I got to see her and say, 'thank you,' and 'goodbye.' That was nice."
What a great kid I have!
We sat in the waiting room. He with his markers and a piece of paper. Me with my computer, wishing I had Internet, but playing free cell instead. He drew. He wrote. He talked about how sad it was that she was dying. He talked about how sad he was that her family members don't love her very much, but her friends do. He wrote some more and drew some hearts. He handed it to me and said, "You need to give it to her. I can't stay in the room long enough."
Off to R's room we went, bearing maybe her last gift. My son came in the room, then darted out of the room. I showed R. the card. It said, "Have a happy afterlife!" love S____ Thank you for being nice and complimenting me and everything else." R said she it was sweet of him to give it. At which point I realized that S___ was back at my elbow. She thanked him.
On the way home in the car, S____ said, "I'm really glad I went tonight, Mom. I almost swerved the car! "You are?" I'm thinking I've totally traumatized my child and shouldn't have taken him. I'm thinking that I'm glad he saw this for the first time with someone he doesn't really know well. And yet I think I've totally scarred him for life and I am a horrible mother, once again. S___ continues, "I'm glad I got to see her and say, 'thank you,' and 'goodbye.' That was nice."
What a great kid I have!
Death is part of life
It's been a long day. Been with the friends who love R. as she carried out her decision to die. The papers were signed making it legal. She's been asking for death for a week. She's lucid. She has a Do Not Rescucitate, etc. She has reached her limit for treatment. She know's she's dying and it's only a matter of how she does it. She has chosen the qicker method of discontinuing treatment.
She was scared when they first unhooked the IV's and sounded like she might back out. We explained to her that her heart was not going to stop immediately. She could live for several more days. So she turned to me and said, "You're on." I grabbed my Bible and Book of Worship. We had the most beautiful service as we circled her bed and touched her. It was so meaningful, it is hard to put into words. We recited the ancient scripture, said the ancient prayers, sang an ancient hymn, and anointed her head with frankinsence and myrrh. There was comfort in using words that millions have said/sung before. We joined the eternal choir as we praised out God. We were in holy time. God's time. Celebrating and releasing R's life. It was an honor to be there with them, with God, at a most significant time in life.
When we finished, she turned to each of us and told us, "Goodbye," then settled down to go to sleep. She was at peace with her future and with her God.
That's the way to go.
She was scared when they first unhooked the IV's and sounded like she might back out. We explained to her that her heart was not going to stop immediately. She could live for several more days. So she turned to me and said, "You're on." I grabbed my Bible and Book of Worship. We had the most beautiful service as we circled her bed and touched her. It was so meaningful, it is hard to put into words. We recited the ancient scripture, said the ancient prayers, sang an ancient hymn, and anointed her head with frankinsence and myrrh. There was comfort in using words that millions have said/sung before. We joined the eternal choir as we praised out God. We were in holy time. God's time. Celebrating and releasing R's life. It was an honor to be there with them, with God, at a most significant time in life.
When we finished, she turned to each of us and told us, "Goodbye," then settled down to go to sleep. She was at peace with her future and with her God.
That's the way to go.
Mistleto Road
I was driving down my street the other day. A clump of green lay in the oncoming traffic lane. I thought, " I wonder what plant that is?" I could see it wasn't a tree branch and there weren't any bushes nearby. Hmm. The closer I got, the clearer it became... Mistletoe. That wonderful old symbol of peacemaking. We don't use mistletoe for peacemaking any more. It's for romance. It's for having someone to kiss.
I swerved and slammed on the breaks, smooshing that mistletoe into green slime, ground into the road. No one's standing under that one for kisses.
I swerved and slammed on the breaks, smooshing that mistletoe into green slime, ground into the road. No one's standing under that one for kisses.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Another indoor rain shower
It's been another rainy day in my car, in my office, in my home! There aren't enough kleenex. Everyone asks, "What's wrong?" "Just having a bad day," I say as I push my sunglasses on harder. They don't fool anyone, but I don't care. I still don't like crying in front of people. Had to take my anti-panic meds twice today! Haven't even taken any in weeks, but started back yesterday. Life sucks and I'm not coping with that very well!
Emergency contact
So who do divorced people put down on those damn medical forms when they ask for an emergency contact person? It's one of those questions that always catches me off guard and depresses me. I know the info is important, but do they have any idea how that hits someone getting a divorce? I still don't know how to answer it. I put a different person every time! Makes me wonder. What would we do if I had an emergency? I really don't know! My son is 18 but I'm not trusting him with my wallet, let alone my life! I just have this horrible picture in my mind of being in an ER and having no one! "Oh no one cares about that woman in room 10. We can let her die." I know I'm being a bit extreme but I still don't know the answer to the question! Of course I don't know the answer to a lot of questions!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Some days suck. No hope for tomorrow
Well I feel as unlovable as possible and like a total fool. Glad I had lunch with a good friend! At least one person in this world loves me. And I realize that I'm not a total moron. Just pissed as hell and hurt like hell. At least I had a couple of hours of laughing! Thanks! Rejection and rejecting are painful things. The ex called and asked for help with his loneliness at the end of a very upsetting day. I even screwed him over. Obviously I am sharing my toxic environment with others around me. Shar'n Shar alike, is my motto! Even a positive call from the attorney wasn't good enough to lift my depression. Damn! Time to go to bed and try to sleep. Probably won't.
Have a mammogram tomorrow. Boy that's something to look forward to! If men had to have their penises squashed, they'd come up with a different test! I am dying to put just one man in one of those damn machines! Watch him scream! Put it on uTube. Then we'd see some changes in health care! Hope the rest of the day is better. I doubt it.
Have a mammogram tomorrow. Boy that's something to look forward to! If men had to have their penises squashed, they'd come up with a different test! I am dying to put just one man in one of those damn machines! Watch him scream! Put it on uTube. Then we'd see some changes in health care! Hope the rest of the day is better. I doubt it.
Give me Chocolate
It's a "stay in my pajamas, eat chocolate, drink tea, goddammit day!" Too bad I have to work and take care of kids! God damn it!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Toxic Environments
I just cleaned out my fish tank at my office. I've been way too busy for the past month and it was really getting dirty. When I opened the hood, it actually stank! Yuck! As I drained it and refilled it with fresh water I kept thinking about living in toxic environments. We all know that fish die if you don't change the water, if the temperature changes drastically, if you don't take out the toxic chlorine before putting water in the tank. I'm a firm believer in putting Stress Zyme in once a week, which increases the beneficial bacteria which then helps control the ammonia and nitrite. And by the way, don't nitrites and ammonia come from fish shit? The long and short of it is that when their environment becomes contaminated, fish die.
What if we thought about our lives that way? I am not writing about saving the earth from pollutants, right now. (Although I do think that's important.) I mean our own environments in our homes. What if we thought about what we do in our homes and whether they are positive or negative for our well-being? What if we think in terms of people around us being toxic or not? Does our toxicity come from our human waste? So the expression, "What a waste!" applies here on several levels! For so many years I have not felt lovable because the significant person in my life was not loving and not able to love himself or anyone else. Obviously this didn't kill me right away, but 20 years later I'm realizing that my whole outlook on life is damaged by the hostile environment perpetuated by my spouse. He is not a mean person. He doesn't mean to not be loving. He just can't love. He can't love himself, and therefore he can't love others. I'm thinking it was like harmful ammonia and nitrites in my environment. It slowly wore me down. It slowly changed who I was. It slowly ate my life, my love, and my faith away.
All of us have some toxic people in our lives. We can't go out of the house without encountering them. So what do we do about them? I'm choosing not to live with one. What about at work, at church, our "friends," and extended family? I'm being pickier about my "friends." But what is the Stress Zyme that we use to keep the other people who might harm us, from harming us? For some, I suppose it's church, or faith. Hmmm. Not working for me right now, even though it did for so many years. I guess for me, it's my other friends, people who I know really love me. But how do you know who really loves you? How do you know who's just harming you? I obviously don't have good radar on that. Too bad there aren't little signs on people's foreheads, "Toxic! Beware!" I'm learning (now that I am relying more on friends than on a spouse for my emotional support) that some who seemed to be friends for years, aren't. Some who are new in my life are totally wonderful friends! Some think they are toxic and they are not. Some think they know it all for my life, and they cause a lot of harm! How do I know which is which? How do we know who to trust before it's too late?
What if we thought about our lives that way? I am not writing about saving the earth from pollutants, right now. (Although I do think that's important.) I mean our own environments in our homes. What if we thought about what we do in our homes and whether they are positive or negative for our well-being? What if we think in terms of people around us being toxic or not? Does our toxicity come from our human waste? So the expression, "What a waste!" applies here on several levels! For so many years I have not felt lovable because the significant person in my life was not loving and not able to love himself or anyone else. Obviously this didn't kill me right away, but 20 years later I'm realizing that my whole outlook on life is damaged by the hostile environment perpetuated by my spouse. He is not a mean person. He doesn't mean to not be loving. He just can't love. He can't love himself, and therefore he can't love others. I'm thinking it was like harmful ammonia and nitrites in my environment. It slowly wore me down. It slowly changed who I was. It slowly ate my life, my love, and my faith away.
All of us have some toxic people in our lives. We can't go out of the house without encountering them. So what do we do about them? I'm choosing not to live with one. What about at work, at church, our "friends," and extended family? I'm being pickier about my "friends." But what is the Stress Zyme that we use to keep the other people who might harm us, from harming us? For some, I suppose it's church, or faith. Hmmm. Not working for me right now, even though it did for so many years. I guess for me, it's my other friends, people who I know really love me. But how do you know who really loves you? How do you know who's just harming you? I obviously don't have good radar on that. Too bad there aren't little signs on people's foreheads, "Toxic! Beware!" I'm learning (now that I am relying more on friends than on a spouse for my emotional support) that some who seemed to be friends for years, aren't. Some who are new in my life are totally wonderful friends! Some think they are toxic and they are not. Some think they know it all for my life, and they cause a lot of harm! How do I know which is which? How do we know who to trust before it's too late?
Sunday, February 8, 2009
"It Ruins Everything. It breaks your heart."
A friend of mine and I were talking about life and he told me that life is just plain messy. I think I have been fighting "mess" all my life. Or maybe I've been making a mess all my life. He told me that I need to quit thinking of God as being neat. He says that God is messy. I've always said God "colors outside the lines." This year, for some reason though, I've been expecting God to color within the lines. I've been upset that God has not hit me over the head with the fact that I was in a terrible marriage, or maybe that God didn't work things out after so many years of trying. I've been angry that God hasn't been "following the rules." I've been upset that God has brought people into my life who haven't fit within my expectations.
Tonight I was watching, Moonstruck and was totally impacted by this line.
Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!
Hmmm... Food for thought.
Tonight I was watching, Moonstruck and was totally impacted by this line.
Ronny Cammareri: Loretta, I love you. Not like they told you love is, and I didn't know this either, but love don't make things nice - it ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. The snowflakes are perfect. The stars are perfect. Not us. Not us! We are here to ruin ourselves and to break our hearts and love the wrong people and *die*. The storybooks are *bullshit*. Now I want you to come upstairs with me and *get* in my bed!
Hmmm... Food for thought.
Soul to Soul
This morning was good. Was able to use what I've written before for something useful. Turned out pretty good, even if I do say so myself! I actually have written some things on my blog that are publishable! It's amazing! Believe it or not, I used the hospital visit stories to talk about love. Can't believe I can even talk about love right now. With Valentine's Day looming closer and closer, I decided to talk about the broader perspective of love. Didn't cry once, either! That was a stretch, but I made it. More than a few listeners were crying, but I wasn't. Just kept professional and unemotive. (Is that a word? It should be.) The husband of one of my women in ICU was there. I just held his hand, looked in his eyes and talked to/about him, and his love for his wife. It was a very powerful time of sharing... profound and holy, isolated time, when two souls look into each other, and share the truth of their existence. Those are powerful, intimate moments, when time stops and you are just living together... suspended.
There are not many times in life when I've experienced that kind of intimacy. I don't think that Greg and I ever shared one of those. It's odd to have shared it with a man while celebrating his love for his wife, in front of 100 other people. And yet I could swear the power of God was there! Yes! I said, "God."
A recent friend of mine taught me how to share those moments. I don't think I knew how to share them. I definitely didn't know the power of them until this year. You are never the same with someone after you've connected, soul to soul like that. When you look into an other's eyes and your soul sees the truth of their existence, and their soul sees the naked truth of yours. I miss you, friend. My soul misses your soul. Believe it or not, you helped me find God. You helped me find a depth of love that I didn't know existed. I am forever humbled and changed. Thank you. I wish you weren't a million miles away.
There are not many times in life when I've experienced that kind of intimacy. I don't think that Greg and I ever shared one of those. It's odd to have shared it with a man while celebrating his love for his wife, in front of 100 other people. And yet I could swear the power of God was there! Yes! I said, "God."
A recent friend of mine taught me how to share those moments. I don't think I knew how to share them. I definitely didn't know the power of them until this year. You are never the same with someone after you've connected, soul to soul like that. When you look into an other's eyes and your soul sees the truth of their existence, and their soul sees the naked truth of yours. I miss you, friend. My soul misses your soul. Believe it or not, you helped me find God. You helped me find a depth of love that I didn't know existed. I am forever humbled and changed. Thank you. I wish you weren't a million miles away.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Stress is exhausting!
There is nothing like spending a day crunching numbers and problem solving to totally wear me out. Or maybe it was the magic trick at the end. Those magic rabbits can be hard to get ahold of.
The best part is lying on the couch, next to my youngest and taking a long nap! He's watching his favorite TV show of the hour and I just slowly nod off into peaceful sleep. There's something special about cuddling with your kid, esepecialy when you know he won't be doing that very much longer. It's great to be close to this person you've helped create and who you love so much! And there's something to be said for the way I fall asleep when I nap. It's not a sudden crash, just a totally relaxed drifting away. I'm not one who can take power naps. It takes about 1/2 hr for me to fall asleep. By then, you power nappers are back up and running. I am just drifting into dreamland by then and every inch of my body is totally relaxed for restful oblivian. ahhhh! It's great! Don't do it often enough, or maybe I do it too often, I'm not sure.
I used to hate napping. Didn't want to miss anything. Used to make fun of people who napped. Especially my sister. My sister can spend every afternoon napping. She is the nap queen! But then when she gets up, look out! She is moving at lightning speed. I've never seen anyone move so quickly and accomplish so much in so little time! It's amazing! She really knows how to pack some energy during her naps! I haven't figured that out, yet. I'm just a novice napper. Only took up napping since my stress level peaked last spring. I'm finding that I thoroughly enjoy it and thoroughly need it some days....Hope you have sweet, sweet dreams!
The best part is lying on the couch, next to my youngest and taking a long nap! He's watching his favorite TV show of the hour and I just slowly nod off into peaceful sleep. There's something special about cuddling with your kid, esepecialy when you know he won't be doing that very much longer. It's great to be close to this person you've helped create and who you love so much! And there's something to be said for the way I fall asleep when I nap. It's not a sudden crash, just a totally relaxed drifting away. I'm not one who can take power naps. It takes about 1/2 hr for me to fall asleep. By then, you power nappers are back up and running. I am just drifting into dreamland by then and every inch of my body is totally relaxed for restful oblivian. ahhhh! It's great! Don't do it often enough, or maybe I do it too often, I'm not sure.
I used to hate napping. Didn't want to miss anything. Used to make fun of people who napped. Especially my sister. My sister can spend every afternoon napping. She is the nap queen! But then when she gets up, look out! She is moving at lightning speed. I've never seen anyone move so quickly and accomplish so much in so little time! It's amazing! She really knows how to pack some energy during her naps! I haven't figured that out, yet. I'm just a novice napper. Only took up napping since my stress level peaked last spring. I'm finding that I thoroughly enjoy it and thoroughly need it some days....Hope you have sweet, sweet dreams!
So I spoil my kids
Okay then! Changed my mind again! Pulled the magic rabbit out of the hat, again! (Been doing that for 21 years now! When does it end?) My son comes home crying because he's 18 and wants so badly to ask this girl out. He is 18 and has never asked a girl for a date, and now he's screwed by his father!
I remembered that I have driven from here to China and back this month....mileage reimbursement! Mom saves the day again and spends her car repair money on a damn phone bill. But I can't let my poor son not have a date when he's never had one yet! The boys are also going to come off their father's bill and will be put on their mother's, as soon as possible. At least I'll know what to expect each month. Then their father can deal with his own bills, and I won't have to pay for him, too! Can't do this anymore!
One more step in the process of separating... One step closer to divorce. I'm exhausted.
I remembered that I have driven from here to China and back this month....mileage reimbursement! Mom saves the day again and spends her car repair money on a damn phone bill. But I can't let my poor son not have a date when he's never had one yet! The boys are also going to come off their father's bill and will be put on their mother's, as soon as possible. At least I'll know what to expect each month. Then their father can deal with his own bills, and I won't have to pay for him, too! Can't do this anymore!
One more step in the process of separating... One step closer to divorce. I'm exhausted.
Screw them all!
Okay! Now I'm really angry! Didn't sleep well last night. Had another recurring dream. My jaw hurts and my head hurts. Enough! Decided that I'm not giving up my precious drill. It's a symbol for me and it's important to me! And that's okay!!! Damnit! I can't pay his stupid phone bill anyway, no matter how I figure it. So I'm keeping my drill and paying MY bills. My son's going to have to learn to adapt. He has a job. He can quit wasting his money on eating out and pay the bill himself, if it's that important to him. My almost ex will have to figure it out. I have given him at least groceries and gas money every month since he left! He has to figure this out on his own! I've got kids to care for, and graduation expenses, and bills to pay. I don't have "ex-husband" money!
It really is a "terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day," or whatever that book title is. Was supposed to meet my father to have lunch. Haven't seen him since June. He's in the city, but he's having cell phone trouble and his calls won't go through. I couldn't call to tell him I was running late so I decided not to drive the hour to meet him. Decided not to drive all that way for nothing since he'll be gone by the time I get there. So maybe I'll see him in July at the family reunion. He won't care anyway.
Okay. It's time for chocolate!
It really is a "terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day," or whatever that book title is. Was supposed to meet my father to have lunch. Haven't seen him since June. He's in the city, but he's having cell phone trouble and his calls won't go through. I couldn't call to tell him I was running late so I decided not to drive the hour to meet him. Decided not to drive all that way for nothing since he'll be gone by the time I get there. So maybe I'll see him in July at the family reunion. He won't care anyway.
Okay. It's time for chocolate!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Goddamnit!
Can't I please have a decent day without a crisis caused by my ex? Damn! Damn! Damn! That Son of a Bitch! I had such a great day yesterday! I was happier than I've been in over a year! I was feeling confident! I was energetic! Then (villain music, please) HE Walks in here...before my new drill is even charged all the way. Tells the kids they won't have their cell phones until God knows when because he can't pay the bill. Dah! I asked him what he owes, thinking that if I have to I'll bite the bullet and pay the bill just to have the kids' phones turned on. (How do you keep up with a sophomore and a senior without cell phones?) He says, "$366!" "$366?" He continues, "I can't pay any of my bills and can't keep bumming money from my mother so some things just have to go. I can't take the kids for awhile and I can't provide transportation for them either. I just paid rent and don't have money to eat!" "AAAAAhhhhh!!!!"
Goddamnit! Godamnit! Goddamnit! And I have to order all of my oldest's graduation stuff this month. There's no way I can pay that phone bill and order graduation announcements, yearbook and cap and gown! Damn! And do you know who's most angry and who he's blaming? My oldest says it's all my fault that he doesn't have a phone just when he was finally going to ask a girl on a date (He never has taken a girl out on a real date before!). Now his life is ruined! His dad has to scrape for every scrap of food and ...we just get along fine.... "And it's all your fault!!!!"
What the hell am I supposed to do now? It's a lose/lose situation. And of course now I want to give up my precious new drill so I can get my kids their cell phones. Even with that, I don't have enough! I just can't come up with extra money for him every goddamn month! He's killing me!
Is there no end to the guilt? Is there no end to the struggle with this man? It's one thing to deal with feeling guilty over his suffering. I can get over that. But when the kids are so distraught because their father isn't able to eat, what am I to do with that? What am I to do with the fact that they think it's my fault that they can't see their dad because I took all the money? Damn! Damn! Damn! Of course it's never his fault that the asshole has never bothered to get a job that pays anything, and refuses to go get a 2nd job just to survive now!
What if the court orders me to pay alimony? What if I have to provide it all for the kids and the ex? I'll have to get a 2nd job and send the kids to live with him! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I refuse to let this drag me down. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution......... I hope.
Goddamnit! Godamnit! Goddamnit! And I have to order all of my oldest's graduation stuff this month. There's no way I can pay that phone bill and order graduation announcements, yearbook and cap and gown! Damn! And do you know who's most angry and who he's blaming? My oldest says it's all my fault that he doesn't have a phone just when he was finally going to ask a girl on a date (He never has taken a girl out on a real date before!). Now his life is ruined! His dad has to scrape for every scrap of food and ...we just get along fine.... "And it's all your fault!!!!"
What the hell am I supposed to do now? It's a lose/lose situation. And of course now I want to give up my precious new drill so I can get my kids their cell phones. Even with that, I don't have enough! I just can't come up with extra money for him every goddamn month! He's killing me!
Is there no end to the guilt? Is there no end to the struggle with this man? It's one thing to deal with feeling guilty over his suffering. I can get over that. But when the kids are so distraught because their father isn't able to eat, what am I to do with that? What am I to do with the fact that they think it's my fault that they can't see their dad because I took all the money? Damn! Damn! Damn! Of course it's never his fault that the asshole has never bothered to get a job that pays anything, and refuses to go get a 2nd job just to survive now!
What if the court orders me to pay alimony? What if I have to provide it all for the kids and the ex? I'll have to get a 2nd job and send the kids to live with him! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I refuse to let this drag me down. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution......... I hope.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Power Tools
Okay, you men, I get it! I just bought my first power tool that is all my own! I am ready to go spend my paycheck on more! It's truly a power thing! I wanted to call every guy I know and say, "I get it totally!" I want to cruise the Internet, researching all the various saws I now need. I've always been a bit intimidated by power tools. The men in my life have been so protective, they wouldn't let me touch them. They always acted like they were concerned for my safety. Now I know they weren't. They just don't like anyone else using their power tools! I had a table saw once. At least it was supposedly my husband's and my Christmas present. He was so paranoid when I got near it, "Look out for the kickback! It'll break your arm!" "Make sure you stand here." "Make sure you hold it here!" I just walked away. He didn't fool me with the, "I just don't want you to get hurt." I knew even then that was just a lie.
Now I understand the power, the control, the challenge. I will hover over anyone who dares to use my tools! I feel like a new woman! If I have the right power tool, I can do anything! Who needs men? Who needs marriage? Do we need to eat? Do we need gas? No! We need power tools! I can do this single parenting thing! I can have a better life than I've ever had.......NOW THAT I HAVE A POWER TOOL!!!!!!
Now I understand the power, the control, the challenge. I will hover over anyone who dares to use my tools! I feel like a new woman! If I have the right power tool, I can do anything! Who needs men? Who needs marriage? Do we need to eat? Do we need gas? No! We need power tools! I can do this single parenting thing! I can have a better life than I've ever had.......NOW THAT I HAVE A POWER TOOL!!!!!!
Abuse
Oh how we hurt each other! Why are we humans so cruel?
I have an acquaintance who's been in hiding from her husband for 3 months because she thinks he was sexually abusing their baby!! AAAAhhhhh! How can anyone do that? Why would anyone do that? That's one of the most horrible things I can think of! I am relieved to finally hear from her. She disappeared I think in Nov. Her husband called me in December trying to see if I knew where she was. I didn't even know that she was gone. I tried through some possible mutual friends to get a message to her that I am safe and willing to help her. Of course I didn't know if the message got through. She called yesterday. I am relieved to know that she is safe. She promised that friends are helping her and taking care of them.
I was also told recently that a couple of teens in a local church are being beaten by their parents. Of course the parents are active in their church, and look like model citizens! "The girls are just clumsy!" Why do people hurt their children? I may not be the best mother in the world, but damn! And of course I have found out the hard way that "Words CAN hurt me," and my children.
It weighs on my heart to know these abuses. Tomorrow I have to tell a pastor that his model elders are beating their children. And of course then there is a very delicate situation with dealing with it in a church. My heart weighs heavy for the pastor. I can't imagine how he'll respond. Maybe he'll "do the right thing." Maybe he'll ignore me. If he is a decent man at all, he will be significantly hurt to know this information. He will have to do something that could drastically change the dynamics of people he cares about. It's odd how information can change your life drastically. I've been there, when the word "abuse" shattered a home... my home. I will never forget that afternoon for as long as I live. Let's pray that this abuse doesn't shatter a church as well.
All this pain. All these lives harmed. Why? Because three people like to hurt their children.
I have an acquaintance who's been in hiding from her husband for 3 months because she thinks he was sexually abusing their baby!! AAAAhhhhh! How can anyone do that? Why would anyone do that? That's one of the most horrible things I can think of! I am relieved to finally hear from her. She disappeared I think in Nov. Her husband called me in December trying to see if I knew where she was. I didn't even know that she was gone. I tried through some possible mutual friends to get a message to her that I am safe and willing to help her. Of course I didn't know if the message got through. She called yesterday. I am relieved to know that she is safe. She promised that friends are helping her and taking care of them.
I was also told recently that a couple of teens in a local church are being beaten by their parents. Of course the parents are active in their church, and look like model citizens! "The girls are just clumsy!" Why do people hurt their children? I may not be the best mother in the world, but damn! And of course I have found out the hard way that "Words CAN hurt me," and my children.
It weighs on my heart to know these abuses. Tomorrow I have to tell a pastor that his model elders are beating their children. And of course then there is a very delicate situation with dealing with it in a church. My heart weighs heavy for the pastor. I can't imagine how he'll respond. Maybe he'll "do the right thing." Maybe he'll ignore me. If he is a decent man at all, he will be significantly hurt to know this information. He will have to do something that could drastically change the dynamics of people he cares about. It's odd how information can change your life drastically. I've been there, when the word "abuse" shattered a home... my home. I will never forget that afternoon for as long as I live. Let's pray that this abuse doesn't shatter a church as well.
All this pain. All these lives harmed. Why? Because three people like to hurt their children.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Energy!
Hey! I just discovered yesterday that I had energy! I mean real energy! About half as much as my normal, but enough that I came home from work and actually felt like I could vacuum and cook dinner and get through the night! I was exhausted enough afterward to fall asleep, but this is a huge improvement! The depression must be lifting! Wahoo!!!! The molasses is only 1 ft. deep instead of 3! I am overcome by actually feeling good today! I have to give a lot of credit to my renewed friendship with A. He's inspiring me. He's going through a lot right now. Somehow he's figured out how to change his entire life and feel good about looking forward! I'm amazed, impressed and totally inspired! A., hat's off to you! You are a great friend and an inspiring person! Thank you! I actually believe that I'll live through this and have a good life sometime down the road. It's been a very long time since I have felt hope. That's what it's all about... hope. Can't live without it, but I've been putting one foot in front of the other looking to find it. Damn! It's been a long, hard year! I am actually thinking that things can get better.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Yea Steelers!
Pittsburgh born and Pittsburgh bred!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
Real life in church
To balance out the shock of my other experience this am, I was teaching the children's time about communion. I had them all standing around the table at the front. Now we have several precocious kids in our group. One has just joined the ranks of talking about irrelevant things while I'm teaching. He's about 3. His poor parents have been mortified by his behaviour in previous weeks, so his mother came up front with him. I was teasing her about all the children who have embarrassed their parents before him, and that she need not worry. So he was wandering all around, wouldn't be quiet and wouldn't pay attention. We were just managing to keep it down to a "dull roar." I told the kids about communion being when we remember that Jesus is inside us. When we eat the bread and drink the juice it becomes a part of us, just like Jesus is a part of us. At which point a school age child says, "Well the good part does. The bad stuff goes, well you know." And he motions with his hand to show that he is pooping. I thought his mother was going to fall out of her seat! The mother of the 3 year old has nothing to worry about! It's all been said and done before! I love these kids. You just have to love their honesty and genuine lives.
Faith is relevant?
I had the most interesting moment this morning. I was talking about how our faith has to be relevant to our every day lives or it is meaningless. I said that what we believe in church has to match what we experience outside the church or it is worthless. I got the most appalled looks in response! These people looked like I had slapped them in the face! Huh?!!!! They looked like that was threatening to everything they believe. I even had to back up and say, "This isn't a threat to our faith. If it is the truth it holds up to our daily experiences." Something like that, anyway. I don't know who was more shocked, them or me!!! How can they be surprised that faith has to be relevant or it's meaningless? If that is so threatening to them, then they don't have any faith at all! And I'm the one who's been questioning???? Looks like they need to be questioning!!! Have they ever listened or read their Bibles? Have they ever realized that Jesus only did a small portion of his teaching inside a church? Most of what he did was out in the world! This was not supposed to be a new idea to them! It was supposed to be rehash of what I say all the time! The looks on their faces are engraved in my mind. I don't know what to do with that image. I don't know what to do with the fact that they don't get that! Or that they don't want to get it! I told them that they need to read their Bibles to hear what God has to say, not because it's pretty. That probably sent them right over the edge! Makes me realize how much I think is obvious, but it's not! Going to have to consider this for quite awhile! I'm not sure what I need to do with my work to improve this situation. I feel like I'm a broken record with that concept and they don't get it! Huh?!!! Shocking news! I'm not doing something right!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)