They're Gone

My older boys decided to live with their father rather than deal with their drug addiction. It's too quiet here, and yet it is a relief to not have their chaos here. It's hard to determine if I am devastated or relieved.

Church

Went to a church today. Drove over to the "city" to a large gay church. I've been there before and enjoyed the worship. It felt great to sit in a pew and not be leading. I bawled like a baby. It felt wonderful! It felt like coming home. We prayed and we sang and it was beautiful. And then the sermon came. It was all about taking up your cross and following Jesus. The preacher was good. She talked about doing the hard thing. I could relate to that. That's what this weekend was all about, preparing to do the hard thing this week... And then the preacher continued with words that could have come from my mouth. I recognized the perspective. I believed that until this year. If we take up our cross, we will be given a new life in Christ. The more she talked, the angrier I became. It's not so. I've given my whole life to god. What have I gotten out of it? A crappy life, a failed marriage and terrible parenting! Where the hell is that "new life?" I kept thinking, " I used to believe that." It wasn't real. It was wishful thinking.....I needed to get out of there. Couldn't wait for her to finish so I could find a place in the service appropriate for walking out. Went to the car and waited for the service to end.

I Want to Go Home

I want to go home. Life is a bit off-kilter when you own the home, you've been paying for the home, you live in the home, but it's not safe to go home. For a year, minus one week, I have been living in and out of my home. It hasn't been safe to go there off and on. In fact, if I am totally honest, it hasn't been safe to be there for a long time. Not when you consider the verbal abuse that's gone on. And the drug use. Maybe it's never been safe. That's crazy! No wonder I feel lost. I have no grounding. I have no sure, safe place to land. I am so thankful for friends and family who take me in. They are generous and make me feel loved. Still...why do I need to find places to land? I want to go home! I want to have a home... a safe home.. free of drugs and violence. I want a place where I can go and feel like I am coming home. Not a house, but a real home, where love, joy, comfort, and life happen. I strive for that. I am heading for that. I have no idea how to get there from here... what that path even looks like. How did I get so lost? How did I lose my way? How do I find it again? How do I find my way home? Where is home? What is home?

Wrong place for escape

Another bad choice.... I am the queen of bad choices. Came to my sister's to get away from the chaos of drug use. Brought my youngest with me. She and my brother-in-law have not asked or said anything about my depression or my family. I've been thinking, "This is odd." Just now the truth is revealed..."Just because G uses marijuana doesn't mean he's an addict. You're poisoning your son's mind." I am hanging on to either sanity or insanity by a thread. Not sure which it is. No matter what I do I am accused of being wrong. It's hard to disturb the "family system," and not get blamed. I'm not strong enough right now. I can't fight her and my kids at the same time. Time to leave. No place to go. Will call some friends. I have to find a place to be nurtured, immediately.

Hell

I am living in hell. Who needs hell in an afterlife? I get to live it every day right here! Nothing is ever going to work out in my life. It just won't. Life sucks and nothing I do will change that. I'm now planning to admit my kids to the hospital from hell because it's my only option, thanks to my lovely insurance. My laptop is possibly dead as of this afternoon. Had to make a trip to a school and 3 trips to my kids' doc's office to get shot records straightened out. Spent 9 hours on the phone with people who were not helpful!! My middle child got mad at school and had the nerve to call and ask for a ride home early. I refused so he just walked home mid day. And the topper was when I ate my favorite chocolate desert to cheer myself and my stress level is so high, it made me sick! I give up! I will not try to have a good life. I am now an official cynic. I have evidently been damned to hell for eternity. The only thing that hasn't happened is that my car did not break down and I didn't have a wreck. I'm sure that's coming tomorrow.

Lost Causes

I am the queen of lost causes.

Insurance!

Had a pretty good start on the day! Discovered some more drug paraphernalia, but can't find the stash. Saw my therapist who helped me figure out a good plan of action. She told me that she leads family interventions and would be glad to do ours. Talked to the boys' therapist who helped me decide on a final choice for a facility. Called the facility for more information. Called the insurance co. one more time with some questions. This is when and where things went to hell very quickly. It appears that my insurance offers unlimited number of days in a facility.... BUT.... there's always a BUT.... They assess and often release patients after 3-5 days for inpatient treatment and after 7 days for residential treatment. This means they don't do anything! What the hell do they think can be accomplished with an addicted teen in 3-7days?!! Nothing can be accomplished! The man with whom I spoke is supposedly a therapist. He actually had the balls to tell me that some people are better in that amount of time! I told him that he knew better than that. He said, "Well why don't you drive your boys over and just have them assessed, and then we'll go from there?" I'd be glad to let him hog-tie my two boys and drive them two hours away to have them assessed! "Since it's not alcohol or a hard core drug, most of the time they don't need residential treatment." In other words, to quote my son, "It's just pot!" So is pot a drug or not? If my son smokes it daily is he addicted or not? I decide to give up on the insurance co. and call the facility to see what their experience is with my insurance co. The facility says, "Most likely they won't admit them to residential treatment for marijuana." They'll have to do outpatient treatment. In other words...."It's just pot!" AAAAAhhhhhhh!!!! First I feel like the idiot mother of the century for not doing something about the pot a long time ago. Now I'm having the facility and insurance co. basically say the same thing my addicted ex and my addicted sons say to me. "Mom, it's no big deal. It's just pot!" So now what am I supposed to do? Just throw my sons out on the street? Send them to live with their father and just write them off? Call the police and have them arrested? Although I have heard from our police dept. that they'll be released in a few hours. Then they'll just owe the city more money which I don't have!

This is insanity! People say we can't have universal health care. Why? Because insurance companies run medical treatment! The doctors and therapists don't get to decide what's best. The goddamn, for-profit insurance co. does! People are dying because of health care insurance in the US. My sons may be next!

A Breath of Fresh Air

Took my youngest to the outdoor mall today. I had rehab centers to call and my youngest wanted to play on the rocks at the creek. It's a beautiful day outside. Too bad it's not a beautiful day inside. I'm glad it's at least a nice day to be out. It lifts my spirit a micro milliliter to feel the sun shine and the breeze blow softly. My son jumps from rock to rock across the stream and floats flowers down the current. I explain to him the progress I am making. We are a team now, he and I. He wants to be by my side every minute he's out of school. He wants to know that his brothers' and his fathers' drug habits will end and his nightmare with them. Last night he slept with me. I'm glad I finally have a bed big enough to accommodate us. Neither of us sleep compactly and even though he wants to be near me, he's old enough to not want his mother to touch even a toe. The dog decided to abandon us. There were too many legs in the bed. By morning she has decided to take her chances and I find her snuggled under the covers at my feet.

Today I make phone calls and watch my beautiful boy release some of his tension. I call a rehab and leave a message. I call a friend for perspective about my job as it relates to this situation. "Please leave a message..." is all I hear. Finally I gather the nerve to call my church governing body. I need to know how much this will affect my work. I am pleased to hear them say,
"I don't think you'll have a problem with this. I think people will think it is good that you are making the right moves. What can we do to support you?" Phew! I am relieved. I explain that the kids' therapist and my attorney were discouraging. They said not to worry about it. They also encouraged me to take the sabbatical I had planned, at the same time as the rehab. This is great news! I am very relieved. Then a friend calls me back. He's having a hard time right now, too. We share our misery. I encourage him and he encourages me. It works well for us. We talk for a long time. By then, our spirits have lifted some more. We can each face the evening ahead.

My son is impatient by now. We wander further upstream and explore. We sit on a boulder in mid-stream. It's a perfect place to float sticks and flowers down the falls. We watch to see where they land. We talk calmly about the future and the news I have. Burdening a 10 yr old with this seems odd, and goes against my instinct. But I have learned that my instinct cannot be trusted. Besides, he wants to know the progress. We enjoy our relaxed play and conversation, then head home to face the older boys and their pot.

It's been a better day than yesterday. Tomorrow I will come back mid-afternoon to unwind again. Maybe by then some plans will be tentatively set.

I'm tired of being strong

It's been a hard day... a day of spying on my kids, going through their belongings and calling rehab centers. I'm tired. I'm broke or we'd be going out to eat tonight. I just want to curl up somewhere and be comforted by someone who loves me. It's not going to happen. I am just soooooo tired of being strong.... so tired of feeling like an idiot.... so tired of not being loved.... so tired of being alone in this.... so tired of life. Can I just quit now? How many people would really care? A handful. AAAAaaaaahhhhhh! I am too weak to do this! My attorney confused me totally today. He said, "Are you sure you want to put your kids in rehab for marijuana?" "Are you sure you want to make such a big deal of that?" When I asked about my soon to be ex and his use in relationship to visitation with the kids, my attorney said," I'm not sure you want to make such a big deal about this if he's not actually smoking it right in front of the kids!" This is the kind of crap my almost ex used to say and it had me confused forever! According to my ex, and my children, "It's just pot!" How can an illegal drug be "Just," anything? How can an altered mood not affect my children? I now have two kids addicted. Am I supposed to wait until the third one is also before doing anything to stop it? I'm so tired. This is when I really miss affection, when I feel too weak to put one foot in front of the other. This is when I am most unlovable and crave love the most. It's disgusting! I hate my life tonight!

Camera

I am very grateful for my camera today.

One Day at a Time

I will be strong. I will be strong. I am strong. I am strong....Spent the day being away from home. Took my youngest to go visit a cousin who is in town for a sporting event. We went out for breakfast. That was nice. Then the two of us and his friend spent the whole afternoon at a couple of local parks. It was good to be outside. We all needed to be outside for various reasons. I am so grateful for wonderful weather. Had a chance to make a couple more research phone calls from the parks. Found out some more important information. Am also on the internet, checking facilities. The rest will probably have to wait until Monday. I keep wanting to waver. Am I making the right decision? Am I over-reacting. Can I be strong enough to do this? A couple of friends and a sister have all agreed that I need to stay firm and do this. Just when I started to waver today, I smelled an illegal substance on my child. Okay then! Now I am strengthened! I have been stronger than I ever dreamed I could be since we moved here. I have held my stand in many very difficult situations. I can do this one, too.

My kids think they are fooling me. They are not doing anything in the garage now, but they go outside and come in smelling foul! Then they asked me tonight if they could have a friend drive my car to the city to a show! "We promise we won't 'do anything,' before or during the time we will have the car!" Meanwhile I can't stand to be next to them due to the smell of "doing something" on their bodies! What a mess! What a terrible mess!

I am one of those people I look down on for being so trashy! I am the very person I hate to be around!

Numb and Terrified

I am numb and terrified of the future. I am not emotional at all. I know it's coming though. The tears will come and I will fall into that hole of depression again. I feel like I'm moving through water. Everything is at a distance and surreal. The kids don't know. The plan will move forward tomorrow. I'll go to a friend's house and make many phone calls. It's time to research and take action. When the plan is in place, I will fall apart and someone will need to check on me. For now I need no emotions and strict determination. Haven't felt this way since we hospitalized my middle child for attempted suicide. At least then I had a husband. It's so odd to be doing this by myself. That's probably the scariest part of all. But then if I didn't have that husband, maybe we wouldn't be where we are today. For now I know that two out of 5 of us are okay. That's terrible. Just two. I must protect my youngest. I must do what I can to stop the older two from destroying their lives. It will blow up in my face. I know that. I still have to do it though. It's the only choice I have right now. It's the only chance we all have. They will hate me, but maybe they'll be grateful eventually. I'm in this alone now. Of course I'm not totally alone. i have friends who will help me. But right now I am the only responsible adult of the family, and I have to do what I have to do, with no family support. I will upset every one. That's just the way it has to be. Hopefully it won't kill me in the process. Honestly, I hope I'm strong enough to do this without losing my mind in the process.

The $%^& is hitting the fan at my house!

Well, there have been some interesting turns of events at my house today. We have been heading toward crisis with the two older boys and the crisis is here! Trying to stay calm and make some hard choices. Someone may have to move out and/or go to rehab. Need to do my research tonight and make some decision. I have decided for sure that there will be no drug use in my home and I am sticking with that decision. Had enough of that. So now I need to find out my options and stay strong. The boys' therapist told me today that I will have to make "Sophie's Choice." I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do that. At the same time, things can't continue as they are. Right now I am guaranteed that everyone will lose if things continue. At least if I make those hard decisions I may save some. Too bad the ex is also a user and still using. Found that out today. He will not get another dime from me! I may have to make some hard line decisions about visitation with him also! AAAAAhhhhhh! It is so hard to clean up after 20 years of shit! It feels like it's going to take forever! And maybe it will. I wish I could take those years back. One thing I have learned from this is that ignoring a problem doesn't ever solve it. Pretending that my ex was not using drugs did not do anything but tell my kids that that was okay. Pretending because I was afraid to push the issues.... pretending because I was afraid... was the worst thing I could have done. I am trying not to let fear intimidate me any more! I hope I can grow into that statement.

Beautiful Day!

Can't believe how perfectly beautiful yesterday and today are! I want to just stay outside continually. Took three older boys to the largest park in town today. They didn't claim me and I didn't claim them, but I thoroughly enjoyed walking the park. It was crowded with kids, dogs and disc golfers. It seemed like half of town was there. Explored the newest blooming plants and discovered they were merely pansies. What disappointment to go to a xeriscape garden and discover pansies! Oh well. They made a nice show from a distance. It feels great to get outside, feel the wind on my face and the sun on my back. Wish it would stay like this for a few months. It won't last nearly that long, so we have to cherish the comfortable days we do have.

The boys did their spring testosterone show. Decided to rip stick down a steep hill with several curves. We have no broken bones. Yea! My middle son looks like he slid 50' across the pavement, though. He won't be sleeping well tonight! There is not a section of his body without a raw wound. He's not complaining though. Won't bandage any of them. He has such a maximum pain threshold, that kid could give birth and not wince!

It's been a good spring day and we're about to enjoy a good dinner.

The One You Don't Love

Learning to live with a person you do not love and respect, learning to live with a person who neither loves nor respects you, is merely learning how to die, how to walk around as a shell, how to deny what you feel, how to hate without showing it, how to weep without tears, how to declare that the sham you live is the true reality and that it is good.
Jules Henry

I need to repeat this to myself regularly. I need to affirm it. It is soooo true!

I mailed the divorce papers to the attorney today. I am relieved to have sent it. I must be feeling better about divorce today!

Old vs New

You may have noticed that I don't buy much that is new. I actually buy new things like clothes and koi pond pumps, jewelry and food. I would have bought a brand new mattress and box springs if I weren't doing the "newly single mom," routine. But mostly I don't like new things. They have no history. They have no life in them. New furniture in particular is meant to be disposable. In fact the interiors are mostly compressed sawdust and glue. Even the really expensive furniture in the furniture stores is predominantly glue. Have you noticed that after they make that furniture, they "antique" it by putting so much paint on it, you can't see the real wood? So I just skip a step. I buy the antiques. On those you can see the wood grain and after aging, it is beautiful! A lot of times I have to refinish them, which I don't like doing, but it's worth it. I have a beautiful old cabinet in my entry hall. My sister gave it to me when I was in college because it was UGLY!!! It was "antiqued" with avocado green paint! When I stripped it I discovered the most beautiful inlaid veneers of different types of wood! What fun that was, as that ugly '70's paint fell away and I discovered beech and walnut with opposing grain on each door! It turned out to be an old television cabinet with rattan back doors for ventilation. I love that piece. I love all my antiques. I wonder about their lives before they lived with me. Who used them? Did the people love them or hate them? Was it a big family? A happy or sad family? These antiques hold many secrets. The picture above is my antique and retro hat collection. I love hats. I look really good in them, too. Don't like to wear them, though. I don't have too many clothes which go with a turn of the century straw hat. I do have some clothes to go with the 1950's hats. Wear them sometimes but due to my job, my opportunities are very limited.

We used to live in a Victorian house with a front and a back porch. We'd sit out there on antique rockers for hours at a time. Most of the rockers are gone now. I have one left. It needs a replaced cushion for being in the living room, but I haven't found the right fabric to go with it's personality. I miss all my rockers. They either died or we sold them before we moved. There's something very comforting about an antique rocker. My imagination runs wild with stories of people rocking in them.

Anyway, so that's the fun of it. Collecting history!

What do you do with...?

I bought a dresser from my friend yesterday. Cleaned out the old one and the kids and I are playing "round robin" with the dressers. This one looks a lot larger than the other one and holds half the amount of clothes... smaller drawers. It was interesting changing dressers. I found several things that were missing...tucked in the wrong drawer. It became obvious that I had originally moved into that dresser while my ex was still in the house. I transferred everything! Even crap I should have gotten rid of years ago. So I sorted and threw out what I don't use. I eventually came to the big landmine in the back corner of the bottom drawer... the lingerie. I have lingerie that I wear regularly, and it hangs in the closet. This is the lingerie which lovers buy for you. The kind that you put on for about 30 seconds and think, "Why did I bother?" as it hits the floor. This is the stuff he spent a fortune on and in light of our marriage, I wore maybe 5 times in 20 years! I must say he had good taste. So what did I do with these beautiful things?...I threw them away. Put them in a garbage bag, tied it up and put it in the kitchen garbage bag, then took it to the garbage can in the garage. It felt great! It makes me smile to think about it.

Had to dispose of this carefully. My children would die if they found these things. Kids don't want to know that parents have sex, let alone wear sexy lingerie. My youngest was talking to me about being made by a robot the other day. I said, "No, your dad, God and I made you." (Okay, so I choked on the word, "God," but said it anyway.) He replied, "Yuck Mom! I don't want to hear about that." I just said, "It's part of life and some day, when you're older, you'll like it." He said, "But you don't have to talk about it now!" Some day in the distant future, I'll tell his wife about that conversation.

Another step in the cleaning out process. Now if I can just figure out what to do with the wedding ring.

"New" Bed

Got a "new" bed yesterday. A friend is moving and gave me her guest bed. It's nice to have friends to do such things for you. God knows I would not want a used mattress from someone I don't know! Once again I rearranged my room to accommodate the furnishings. I noticed last night that "sleeping single in a double bed" is a lot colder than in a twin bed! Yikes! I froze to death even with the dog. I should have put the big dog in with me, too. She wouldn't have liked it though. She's a lone sleeper. I actually have been, too. Used to kick the dog out and never liked to snuggle while I sleep. Didn't even like stuffed animals or dolls when I was young. There's sex and snuggling, and then there's sleeping. Different things in my book. I like my space! Of course maybe I've never had the right person with whom to cuddle!

.... And the mattress is harder than a board! No pillow top. I have been spoiled until now. Going to have to do something to make it sleepable. Here I thought I'd sleep great on this better bed. Oh well! More adjusting to do. There's always more to do. It does seem better to sleep in what seems more like an adult bed. I put on some freshly washed old sheets that we had when I was first married. They were my favorites of all time and we haven't had a double bed since we broke the antique one, 14 years ago! So it was fun sleeping on them again. Sprayed them with lavender scent and went peacefully into sleep... until the thermostat in the house switched to the night setting. Oh well. It will all work out. There are cushy mattress pads and more quilts to be had.

Is There Any Understanding Teens?

My sons tried to make jello shots right in my house, thinking I didn't know about them. I'm glad they are ignorant to parental previous experiences! (Of course I did most of that kind of stuff in college, when I was legal age.) I dumped it all. The amazing thing is that one of my boys started yelling at me for throwing it away! Huh???? Yelling at me for throwing away his illegal substance? I don't get it. That I really don't understand. He acts like he has some kind of right to drink! He threw a major tantrum. I just kept repeating to myself, "Calm and firm. I need to be calm and firm." There sure is a lot of cleaning up to do around here. There's a lot of work to hopefully repair the years of damage caused by our dysfunction. It's going to take a lot of time and patience. Last night I ran out of patience. The oldest had planned to go spend the night at his father's. I sent them both. If they had stayed here, I would have lost my cool. Calm and firm... I must remain calm and firm.... Parenting teens is not easy.

Divorce Papers

I've worked on the divorce some more. Actually completed the papers this time. Even typed a custody proposal for the kids. I guess that's it for now. They can finally be mailed on Monday! Do I want to celebrate? A little. Do I want to cry? Maybe. Mostly it feels like the Twilight Zone... very scary and other-worldly. It's like I don't belong in the picture. Still feels like it's not my life since my life isn't supposed to turn out like this. A few panic attacks later and I might be able to get these papers in the mailbox.

I'm glad I'm going out to dinner tonight with some friends. It will be a nice ending for the day. Perhaps the panic attacks will stop then. Why is it so hard for me to do the right thing? Why is it so scary to take these steps away from him? I guess it's easier to be attached to a jerk than to no one. It all seems to go back to not being very comfortable with being "alone." Much work to do on that. He called today. Broke again. Needs gasoline and cigarettes until Tues. I gave him two packs of cigarettes for 3 days and no gas. I'm getting better! A month ago it would have been a carton of cigarettes and a tank of gas. So I feel good about this. It's another step in the right direction, even in it's imperfection.

Some time in April I should be divorced. That's my goal at this point. It will be one year ago on the first weekend in April since I decided he had to leave the first time. It's hard to believe!

Little things

How is it that one small cut on a finger can hurt so much? How is it that it throbs so much it can wake us from sleep? What is the purpose of fingers hurting so much over so little?

Why Have I Repeated the Pattern

Why have I lived with a verbally abusive man for 20 years without realizing it? Why have I been so blind? My friend says that I have been trained to ignore abuse. You'd think that after working with abusers and victims, I would see the same cycle in my own house! I never saw it. I am so blind, I need to be locked up in a padded room for everyone's safety. My poor children have suffered soooooo much because I was blind. I can't bear the guilt. They don't deserve it, just as I didn't deserve being set up for abuse. It's so unfair to everyone! Such a great family heritage. I'm so glad that I was too weak to claim my own identity and just took on all the dysfunction of my family! A crappy stand-in minister, the son my father didn't have.... the designated victim of abuse. Wahoo! And I have played it all! I have taken part fully! And then I perpetuated it by not protecting my children! I am realizing that just as I didn't protect my children, that's the very thing that I've resented my parents for. They set my sister and me out there to be targets, and even after almost being kidnapped 3 times, they still made us walk alone to school! Since that didn't fulfill the demon demand for victims, they just set me up for my later years! I'm glad I have no girls! At least boys aren't as vulnerable to sexual abuse. (And of course I know that's a myth.) I've worried that I might set them up to be victims of sexual abuse all their lives! It didn't even occur to me that I was allowing myself and my children to be verbally abused all these years! How stupid can one person be? Evidently very stupid! I don't deserve children. I don't know how to make it up to them... I can't fix the past. What can I do?? They are still pissed at me because I don't love their father. They don't see it, and I can't push that concept on them! So what do I do?

Repetition

The sins of the parents have been visited upon the children for too many generations and I don't know how to stop it. It seems I can't stop it. I just repeat the same cycle over and over. I should have never had children. Then it could have stopped. There would be no more multi-generational pain. Instead I have passed on the legacy. Kids... I'm sooooo sorry!

Wise Words I Wish I'd Heard Years Ago

"Learning to live with a person you do not love and respect, learning to live with a person who neither loves nor respects you, is merely learning how to die, how to walk around as a shell, how to deny what you feel, how to hate without showing it, how to weep without tears, how to declare that the sham you live is the true reality and that it is good." Jules Henry. Sent to me from a very wise woman.

Remind Me Not to Make Fun of People

I've learned this lesson many times in my life. Just had this one reconfirmed! "Don't make fun of other people." In fact judging others is really one of my pet peeves. I hate judgement in other people and refuse to participate in jokes that degrade people based on stereotypes. Well, you know I did, and then I became one of them. I hate to admit it, but I now own a Snuggy. Yes, one of those advertised on TV that you can wear to football games or answer the phone in. It's basically a blanket with sleeves. We have made much fun of those commercials, and the people who might buy them! "How ugly are those things?!" "What kind of stupid people would buy them?" "Who in the world would wear one to a football game?!" Of course I didn't buy this. I swear! I would never do that. And I will NEVER wear it to a football game! A friend ordered a pile of them to give to friends and relatives! This is a very kind and intelligent man! He's corny, but a good man. Of course I'm known for always being cold so..... I have a Snuggy. Don't know how to spell it, but I have one. Wore it yesterday when we had this cold front come through. I think I'll stick to my sweatshirt or bathrobe. I don't sit still long enough to wear that thing! Kept tripping on it. But I guess I can't make fun anymore!

The Teen Hangout

When I left for a meeting last night, my older sons' friends were in the garage working on skate board tricks. Much to my surprise they were teaching my youngest! I was ecstatic. Usually his big brothers kick him out of their activities. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to give him a hug goodbye since he was "hanging with the big boys!" He almost did an "ollie" ( I have no idea how to spell that.) before I left. I was so proud and happy for him and the older boys! It warmed this mother's heart. Before I left, I instructed the boys on how to finish dinner. What started out to be just my boys for supper ended up being 3 extra! I have to learn to cook for a crowd! Yea! I love having all these boys around! Of course a few girls to balance things out would be nice! But then this must be why so many of my close friends are men. I'm used to males.

I came home from my meeting to the now usual crowd still there, plus a couple more. You have to understand that my garage has been packed with "his" junk for so long, no one has been able to park in it. Last night there was a Jeep in my garage. Complete with the just attached new top! The friend had a hole in his top and the whole Jeep had flooded in the rain. So our garage became to repair shop.

I am so happy that our home has become a good place to spend time and that my boys have such great friends. I may never have privacy again, but that's okay! We've come a long way this year!

Skeleton in the Closet

There's a skeleton in my closet.
No. Seriously. There is a skeleton in my closet.
I found it in my dreams,
And now it haunts me.

I've tried to get it to talk with me.
"Who are you?"
"What do you want?"
It won't talk.
I'm assuming it's a female.
Maybe it's not.
I don't know.
I have only seen the skull.

The skeleton is someone who has been dead a long time.
All I know about her is that she was murdered.
I keep asking who killed her?
That seems to be an important question
... and yet it is not.

"WHO ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU WANT? TELL ME WHY YOU'RE HERE.. in my night dreams... in my daydreams... in every waking moment.

This skeleton seems to come from the depth of my soul.
I wish it would speak to me.
I wish it would go away...
But it won't until I hear it's message.
And yet it won't talk to me.
I want her to go away!
Is it right that sometimes I hate her,
And sometimes I want to comfort her?

Silently she sits in the corner of my brain.

Unpacking myself

Had a good therapy session today. Boy did we unpack a lot of deep feelings and thoughts. I told her that I feel like I am in the middle of a bramble patch. Everywhere I turn to get out, it hurts, and since I don't know where I'm actually headed, it doesn't seem worth the pain to just start thrashing through the briers in an unknown direction. She suggested that maybe I need to just sit down and look around for awhile. I need to observe my surroundings... to learn something... which will help me find my way through. It feels good to think that I need to just sit down in the midst of the mess, and quit being frenetic. At the same time. It really stinks to decide to just sit here. Tried that one other time, and my depression escalated. We'll see. Obviously a time for a walk at the outdoor mall! Will have to go this afternoon. It's supposed to rain tonight and tomorrow. So much to think about... so much to learn! I hope I learn soon. This brier patch is painful and I'm sick of it!

Changed Settings Open Again

Okay, so I don't know what happened to my comment settings that they were suddenly closed down. My kids have been using my computer for viewing movies and they don't have this password, but somehow the settings got changed. So sorry if you meant to leave a comment and it wouldn't let you! It's all reset now.

"It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!"

That song has been running through my mind all day. You're probably thinking I've really gone over the edge after all my depressing crap. Now I'm singing a Christmas song! Well, no one has ever accused me of being sane, yet! But... today was my first day of spring gardening! That is something to celebrate! I put on my overall shorts and a tank top. I loaded my pockets with weeder, trowel, cell phone, and clippers. I loaded my hands with a garbage can, large iced tea and gardening gloves. Oh... and don't forget the cigarettes. What joy! What fun! At last, I spent two hours out in the sun, doing what I love to do... gardening! It was glorious!
Didn't accomplish a lot since these first few days of gardening also entail chatting with the neighbors who are also out in this great weather! We haven't seen much of each other through the winter so there's a lot of catching up to do. We have to find out how the winter has gone, and what we're all planning to put in our gardens this year! The neighbor across the street bought a tiller today. They're putting in a large vegetable garden. I'm still debating if I will have time for a vegetable garden now that I'm a single mom. Our plot for the vegetables isn't very good so I spend a great deal of time tending to bugs, dryness, and heat stress. All of this of course doesn't produce much harvest. Still... there is nothing like a fresh cantaloupe or tomato straight out of the garden! I am thinking about corn this year. I have a friend who pollinated her own corn so she was able to put in just a few plants and yet had a good harvest. My favorite vegetable of all time is corn on the cob, fresh from the garden! Mmmmm! I could eat that every day!

I have time to contemplate the vegetables while I check, trim and tend the perennial beds all around my yard. I spent most of my time today trimming back the dead stalks from the winter die back. This is therapeutic. I kept thinking about pruning the negative attitudes from this winter away. There's something incredibly grounding about playing in dirt and nurturing plants. It clears my mind. It refreshes my soul. Everything was terribly dry, just like my soul. The sprinkler is going continually this evening. I hope everything perks up by tomorrow morning. I continue to search for things that will refresh my soul. I wish it were as easy as turning on a sprinkler. Still, I can't wait to see the blooms breaking out all over the garden! Soon the irises, larkspur, and roses will dance happily across my yard! There are a few bulbs that have flowered, but the big show comes in a few weeks. Maybe the flowers will help break my doom and gloom mood. The usually do.
Went to a local garden shop a couple of weeks ago. They had a "seasonal help wanted" sign out front. I seriously considered applying just for therapeutic reasons. It would feel good to do physical labor working with plants and talking with people about them... Something real. Something that doesn't emotionally and spiritually drain me. Something creative. Of course I don't possibly have time to work another job. Tending my own yard will be more than I can handle this year. Too bad I can't earn a living by gardening. I could do that for a year and feel much better! Oh well. This truly is "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!" for me! At least when I am home and in my garden!

Garden in Spring

The day was warm. The weather was luscious and I'm enjoying this spring heat wave! My garden is about to bloom. If we get some rain, I won't have to go buy a new sprinkler and hose tomorrow. I can't hold out any longer or my plants will die. When the garden blooms, I hope my heart does also. It's my favorite time of the year when my garden seems to laugh with excitement! It will do my heart some good to enjoy that.

Last night I had nightmares about death and babies being murdered. It wasn't good. I'm a bit afraid to go to sleep. Maybe I should hang my hammock in the middle of the garden to ward off the nightmares. Or maybe I need a dream catcher above my bed. I sure hope tonight is better. Tomorrow, if it's not raining, I'll work in my garden for some healthy therapy. Perhaps that will really help! I hope!

Lilacs in Spring

I used to live where the lilacs bloom. We had 7 or 8 trees in our yard. They were beautiful! Lilac season in our town was glorious! Every yard had lilacs so when they bloomed the whole town shined a light lavender. I used to cut them and put them all over our house. They were a sign that summer was finally close at hand and we could thaw out for a couple of months. We didn't have much summer, and since I relish the sun, I would live outside most of the time from lilac season until the leaves fell. We had a back porch with a dinner table, and lots of rocking chairs. We just moved outside for the summer. I would go out first thing in the morning, when it was still very cold out. (It was cold every night there.) I'd sit in my robe and drink my tea while I enjoyed my back hill. I had a rock garden on that hill. As I sat I would enjoy whatever was in bloom at the time and plan my next planting season. I loved that back porch overlooking the garden. It was peace and tranquility. I remember the many evening meals out there. The birthday parties... sitting with friends, drinking beer and visiting. The back porch was my oasis. It was the fun place. It was the peaceful and rowdy place... where kids would laugh and play charades, or blow bubbles for their baby brother.
It's not quite lilac season, but I can smell them. I hate the smell of lilacs. They look pretty, but I think they stink. The problem is that I haven't been able to smell much for a long time. I'm now taking a generic nose spray that smells like lilacs! So I have a choice. No smell or smell lilacs. Uh. Not sure which is worse. Lilacs bring back a lot of cherished memories, though. Perhaps I am learning to like the smell of lilacs in spring. During this season of reckoning, I enjoy those good memories.

Now... the aroma of dead mouse in my laundry room wall mingles with lilac. Wahoo! This is my life. It literally stinks. What happened?

Don't Hurt My Kids!

We had a crisis in my home tonight. My youngest was doing his homework and mentioned something about other kids making fun of him, then he ran from the room, slammed his door and I heard the sobs coming down the hall. He tells me that some kids at school saw his Sponge Bob boxers and they've been making fun of him because of it! I started asking him why they are saying these things since high school kids and adults watch Sponge Bob. He told me that half the kids at his school think he's a nerd and a dork and a few other words I won't mention here! I am shocked! My child? My sweet child? My handsome child? My cool child? My fun child? Who can think of anything negative to say about him? I can't even imagine that everyone in his class doesn't compete to be his friend! It's all so unfair! He's so wonderful! My kids say that I'm clueless. When it comes to someone thinking ill of my children, I guess I am. I can criticize them but don't anybody else dare!

I spent some time just listening and asking questions tonight. My heart ached for him. I wanted to pick him up and cuddle him. Of course that would only prove that the kids are right! No touching from mom allowed under these circumstances. Finally, after talking, crying, and a snack, I was allowed to give him a hug and a kiss. I love this kid. He's terrific! Why are kids so cruel?

Putting Things in Order

I guess I am trying to put my life in order by putting my house in order. Finally cleaned the carpets. The hard surfaces get scrubbed tonight. It feels good to work on putting things in order. It's helping me see where I've been letting things go. For instance, I gave up years ago with keeping the boys on track with chores. That was one of those things that was sabotaged every time I set up a system. I finally gave up. Well guess what? My boys are threatening to move out now because I'm making them do what they've been supposed to do for years. It's an interesting process. I've told them that if they are going to live here, they have to live by my rules. I think they know in their guts that they don't want to live with their father and that he doesn't really want them. It's a painful process. I've given in so many times before, they will test me every day. I hope I can keep it up. It's easier to do the chores myself than to make them. I'm a real believer in making kids take responsibility for their home, so... that battle has begun. I am reclaiming some more sanity around here!

Now for some other projects. I wish one project would just go smoothly. Have you noticed that you can spend a whole day doing the simplest thing? I spent half of last Saturday putting a new dryer vent in. It should have taken 15 minutes! But, of course the hole in the wall was so low that the molding on the floor caught the new vent and wouldn't allow it to install properly. Had to get out my saw and cut wood away. Wish I had that power tool! Then there were problems outside because the ground has accumulated too close to the hole. Had to clear part of the yard for proper ventilation and hopefully to keep the critters from coming in. This was the point of the whole project. Have another dead critter in the wall! The second since December! AAAAaaaahhh! Everyone's telling me horror stories about having to spend $4,000 and more to have an exterminator come tear the wall apart! I'm just waiting for the smell to go away. I also drove 60 miles round trip to buy a particular kind of rodent poison. I'm caulking the heck out of this place! Here's hoping this ends the problem! I can't take it!!! I am relieved that it seems to be a mouse this time. It's only smelled bad for a week and is almost better. It's just one thing after another. Why is that?

The Color of Oatmeal

5 people, three dogs, and a cat should not live in a house with oatmeal colored carpet. It's time to tear it out and start over.

Train Ride

It's quiet tonight and I can hear the train from miles away. The horn blares as it travels through the town south of us. I love that sound! Makes me want to jump on the train and go wherever it leads. We had friends take us on a 2 week train ride around the perimeter of the "lower 48." We travelled in a private car, pulled by Amtrak. It was AMAZING!!! We had a private butler/waiter/concierge and a private chef. My almost ex and I used to stand in the vestibule with the half door open so we could feel the wind and smell the air. We're so not fancy! We loved that more than sitting on the dome level with the private butler and chef. In fact, we hung out with the chef down there on his breaks. The dome was nice. You could see a lot further. It was very comfortable. It just didn't have any action. It felt like you were watching the scenery in a movie. Down in the vestibule, you could wave to people, feel the car rock along the tracks, see the speeding objects left behind. Our friends would laugh at us as they sat in the comfy seats and we stood in the wind. Both groups were happy. That was the best vacation ever! We fly fished in Montana. Ate great food in Portland. (Of course we ate great food everywhere because our chef was fantastic!) Went to Santa Monica beach. Partied in San Antonio and New Orleans. Got our window shot at in Oakland! We slept like babies on that moving home. It was fun to open the curtains of our bedroom picture window, lie in bed and watch the world go by! The only problem was that if we fell asleep, we'd wake at a station with people gawking in the window at us! That was embarrassing! There's nothing like a private train car to draw attention!

Now every time I hear a train, I want to go again, but without that husband. My friends travel by train almost everywhere they go. (But not in the private car.) This would be a wonderful time to steal away on a long train ride. I could use a get away.

Chutes and Ladders

Remember Chutes and Ladders? My youngest and I played it tonight. That and Candy Land. We didn't think either of them were as fun as we remembered. It was a bit of nostalgia for the evening and a good time being with my son. Other than that, I prefer some other games. Do you think maybe we're a bit too old for these?

I Had a Dream

I had a dream that he loved me,
that he would always be there for me..............

I had a dream that he loved me,
that he was my partner and together we would grow.
I believed this dream so strongly that I lived for it, worked for it,
I became it,
but then
I woke up.

I had a dream that god loved me,
That god was with me all the time................

I had a dream that god loved me,
That god was leading me on life's path and teaching me.
I believed this dream so strongly that I lived for it, worked for it,
I became it,
but then,
I woke up.

So now what?
I have many friends but still I am more alone than I have ever been.
I have many interests but still I have no idea what to do.
I had a dream...
but then I woke up to find that
I am falling into the abyss.

That 70's Show

Come see... live in my garage! It's That 70's Show. We have become teen central this week! Yea! I love having the kids all hang at our house! My older boys already have a bomb hang out in the master suite. Complete with a futon, couch, computer, stereo, TV and gaming systems. Somehow that wasn't enough. The friends didn't come. Or my boys didn't invite them. Now in our garage, we have a 70's couch: avocado and gold, 7' long and curved; a cheap throw rug; a boy-made coffee table out of a wood crate and two boards that are being totally covered in bored teen art. Lawn chairs and a worn out bar stool complete the look. It's in the 30's out, and still they hang in the uninsulated, unheated garage. Who needs heat? Who needs a stereo or TV? Not these guys! There's a resistance weight machine, a skateboard and a rip stick in case they get restless. Friday night when I left the house there was an extra kid here. My boys were all gone. He was waiting for a ride, lounging on the couch with a game system in the bedroom. When I returned several hours later, there were 6 kids in my garage. I think they have decided not to be intimidated by me. I think they've decided it's safe to be here.
When my boys were young, our house was the fun house to hang out at. But then the "soon to be ex," decided to start complaining about any extra noise and any extra people in the house. He became suspicious of the kids' friends. I guess that's when we lost the status of "hangout." Kids know when they aren't wanted.
I remember when I was a kid, my friends were all intimidated by what my father did. They never wanted to come to my house. Now that I'm in the "family business," I understand how hard it is to get friends to feel comfortable here. In elementary school none of the kids were afraid of me. In Junior High, they start being intimidated. They didn't want to hang out at the _____'s house and they knew that the boys' dad didn't want them here. I guess they are coming back. I am so glad! I like them!