Am I Really That Ugly

When the only people who are interested in me are ugly and/or fat, I have to wonder about my own beauty. I know I'm not fat, so that only leaves the other option. Surely I am not that ugly! I think I'm going to give up on this dating thing. It's too hard to be this hard hearted, shutting men down every day, and being shut down by other men every day. I've only dated two men, and already I am ready to call it quits!

Borders and Boundaries

Floating in the pool,
heat radiated up from the ground and down from the sun,
all around me, the heat circled, smelling of summer.
Locusts sang in the intensity of the day... the sound of summer.
Miniature dragonflies darted around me, landing on my leg, before skitting off to the cat tail, standing tall above the pond.
The cicada, the dragonfly, and the birds, know nothing of human boundaries and borders. These lines drawn in our minds which separate people, where are they? Lines painted on the ground? Do God's other creatures know these are borders, created by humans to separate those who are different, those who "don't belong."
The ant unaware, drags it's food across the line that is no line.
The sun shines on those who live on both sides of the boundary.
The moon rises over all God's creatures.
Only humans decide who are good and who are not,
who belongs and who does not.

Writing

Yesterday, I was in a mood to write. After taking a break for awhile, I just wanted to sit and write all the things that have been going through my mind. Instead, I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend. My friend is a great writer. We talked about using pictures to convey feelings and using words to convey pictures. How each art form comes through a deep desire to express who we truly are. I get frustrated with words, 'cause sometimes I can't capture the picture in my brain, and I think, "I wish I were a photographer and could capture the picture in that art form." I'm a visual person and I want us to see what I say. My friend is having a hard time expressing what he is feeling, and so he has started taking pictures every day. He walks the small town where he lives and takes wonderful photographs. He is naturally a writer and now he finds he has to use a different medium to express his true self. And still, in this other medium, his soul flows to greet us. The passions of our souls come forth in one form or another. How do people who do not create art of any kind, tell us who they are? In their life stories. Their stories may not be written on paper or on the internet. These stories live through their creators, showing us their souls.

Friday Night Date II

Okay, so I have just kissed the best kisser ever! Wow! I don't know about the rest of him, but he sure can kiss! It was really fun being out on a Friday night date! It was really fun having someone be polite, attentive, intelligent, caring, and affectionate. And don't forget, extremely skilled in the kissing department. I told him about my blog about kissing, that kissing shows what a man is truly like. If he is anything like his kisses, hmmmm. Anyway, fun for now! Yea!

Friday Night Date

It's Friday night and I actually have a date! Wow! It's been a long time since that has happened. It's Friday night, and instead of watching the couples at dinner, I'll be one of the couples at dinner. This time I won't hate them/ I won't want to run up and warn them to never get married. This time I won't be jealous of the attention they give and receive. It's Friday night and I have a date! He's not Mr. Wonderful. He won't sweep me off my feet. Of that I am sure. And I certainly don't need to be swept off my feet right now. Still, it's nice to have a date on Friday night. Perhaps a good night kiss? ....... Can I remember how to do this? It's been a llllloooooooonnnnnnnnngggggggg time!

Spider Webs

You know how it is when you walk through the woods, and you walk through a spider web. Unexpectedly you're wrapped in sticky strings which latch on to your face, your hair, your arms and torso. Shivers run through my body when this happens. I try to get those strings off as quickly as possible, as I imagine the spider is in my hair, about to bite me. The worst part is not knowing where the spider is, what kind it is, and whether it will bite me. So I dance a jig, madly wiping my arms and face, trying to peel the strings from me. Trying to move as quickly as possible without looking like a complete idiot, I grasp at my face and pull. Still the web sticks. It won't come off. It demands particular attention to each thread in order to free it from my person.

This is how I'm feeling about my divorce/my ex-husband. I keep trying to peel him and my painful past off, throw them on the ground and walk away. Still he clings to me, refusing to let go without a fight. I am ready to move forward, to think forward, to be happy, but the web refuses to let me go. lSome day soon, I think it/he will.

The Little Girl

The little girl in me is frightened. I realize that's partly what's bothering me. One minute she's afraid of G, that he will hurt her. The next minute she's playing nursemaid to the same person. And then there is the fear that he will die. After loving him for so many years, it doesn't just stop with a desire to not live with him. Indeed there is a fine line between love and hate. This little girl feels both toward this man/boy who has been in her life for so long. I'm driving his truck now, while my sister drives my car. A notice came in the mail from the bank where the loan is from. Will I walk out of work and have it gone because he hasn't paid the loan which is in my name? Will I get a call from my boys that the electricity is turned off at their house because he hasn't paid that bill? How much do I need to take responsibility for? They are my children even if they won't have anything to do with me. How do I handle this? How do I hate G and love him at the same time? My sister, is caring for him today. Did I accomplish much at work? No. I was too worried about him. I was too conflicted about him and my boys. I feel like my life is being totally sucked out of me. Nothing gets better. Instead of thinking, "It can only get better." I think, "It is only going to get worse. It will never get better." The little girl in me wants to crawl into a corner and hide. The little girl in me wants someone to make it all better. The little girl in me knows she can't do that, and that no one can make it all better. It will never be better.

Chaos of My Life

I feel like I am living in hell. Or like I am in a Twilight Zone and can't get out. Would everyone please turn off your TV's and maybe that will break the spell? The hardest part of all of this is my conflicted feelings about everyone and every situation. My sister is here and I can't even talk about my situation with Greg, with her. My child needs a place to stay and he won't stay with me because he's so angry and hateful toward me. My ex is playing the pity card to the max. and I really don't want to be around him. At least I don't feel obligated to go care for him now that he is a bit stable and coherent. My sister will do that. Isn't it ironic that his family hates me and they are not rushing to his bedside, but my sister and I have been? Isn't it ironic that his family hasn't decided what to do about his situation, but my sister and husband hopped in the car and drove here immediately? In many ways I feel sorry for my ex just because he comes from such a crappy family. He's never received what he should from them. But then I remember that neither did I receive what I should have from my family or from him. Life is soooo sooooo messy! We are all indeed, "Bozos on the bus."

I feel good about the fact that I don't feel responsible for my ex. He needed someone to advocate for him in a very terrible hospital for a couple of days. I helped then, but I am not feeling like I need to care for him. At least I have learned something through all this experience. Now if lightning would strike and tell me what to do about my middle child, I'd appreciate it.

How Can This Be?

I must blog today. My brain and heart hurt. I don't know if I'm panicking or sad, or both. My ex/husband, whatever he is, fell off a ladder yesterday and broke his pelvis and tail bone. I am furious with him! I am thinking he's done this in his subconscious to force me to care for him. I'm thinking that his grandfather, who my ex idolized, fell and broke his back in his 40's and wasn't able to work or earn a decent living for the rest of his life. I'm thinking that I can't stand to be in the room with him for more than 5 minutes! I'm thinking that he has no one, NO ONE to be at the hospital with him, to advocate for him, to care for him. I feel trapped in this mess of pain.

How to Make The Decision

My time is up. I have to make a decision this morning about whether to fight against the new hearing or not. I have no idea how to make that decision. Of course I want to fight it, but I don't really understand the court process enough to know what that means. Aaaaahhhh! Where is the wisdom? And don't comment that if I listen, God will tell me. God hasn't spoken to me in years.

A Walking, Talking Mask

My son graduated from high school today. He actually made it through, without flunking out or being arrested. For this I am grateful. Am I proud of him? No, not really. I feel guilty because I feel like I should feel proud. With all the speeches about success and the honors given out, I watched my son who won the highest honor in 6th grade, sit in the back with just the accomplishment of surviving and passing. My son who had wonderful grades until Jr. High. My son who suffered through years of his brother needing too much attention from us. My son, who decided to quit working hard in school in Jr. high, slid through by a hair. He makes no effort to take responsibility for his life. He is just like his father. He makes long lists of things he would like to do to be successful and well rounded. That's where it stops. Forgotten words on a sheet of paper to be found crumpled under the bed in 6 months when a sleeping bag is dug out for a campout. He blames everyone else for his own lack of action. My son... my firstborn... the one I had high hopes for from birth. Now I wonder if he will even start college, whether he will ever earn more than minimum wage. I wonder if he will be caught with drugs or alcohol and end up in prison. These are not the thoughts a mother cherishes. Still I smile and yell when his name is called out and he walks across that stage. I smile and take pictures with him on the lawn after the ceremony. All the outward signs of pride and joy in a family. It's too bad it's not real. I love him so much and my heart aches. I can do nothing to change him. I can do nothing to influence him right now. I can only watch and wait. This is not the deep desire of a mother's heart.

When my son graduated today. His grandparents, his father's parents came with his father and brother. They sat near by. They did not speak. They did not look my way. To them I don't exist. I've known and loved these two for 20 years. Now I don't exist to them or to my middle son. What makes people be so filled with hate and anger? Why do they have to hate me just because I don't love their son? Why does my middle son hate me so much when I tried so hard to help him? And yet I stand and smile. I say, "Hello," to a blank glance that sweeps away to avoid eye contact. My heart aches.

Yesterday, I found out my husband is contesting my divorce. He is so pleased with himself. He is giving me hell. He loves to give me hell. And so today he is nice. He converses politely. He asks to have a cooler from the attic for the party tomorrow. He asks if I am coming to the party. I tell him that I won't step foot into that hostile environment and hang up. What is there left to say? Why would he think I would want to be with people who hate me and ignore me? Does he think that tension would make my son happy? I speak politely and flatly. I am too angry to even express my anger. I feel like he's a spider and he's caught me in his web. I can't escape, no matter what I do. And yet he speaks politely. I answer politely. We are "divorced," parents going through the first major child event since our separation. We pretend.

Today my twin sister, who has been my best friend throughout my life is here. She and her family met me and my youngest at the zoo this afternoon. We do not speak of that fact that we have not spoken since April. We don't speak of the grudges we hold against each other. We smile, we hug, we say, "I love you." We talk about the animals, about the zoo, about our children. We go out to dinner. In the middle of the table is the elephant that is ignored. I can't tell her anything of my life now. She won't understand my lack of faith. She will only want to shove some fundamentalist, trite, comment in my face. I can't talk of my divorce disaster and the pain I suffer. She will tell my ex, which would make him so happy to know I suffer. She will yell at me again for calling my ex an addict. The elephant is strong, but my family tradition of denial is stronger. We all say nothing of any significance. We are year/miles/attitudes away from each other. We will never be the same again. I have grown away from her thinking and she will never accept that. She will never accept my anger at my ex. or my faith turmoil. Our loss of each other tears at my heart, and tears run down my face. It is over... that bond between us. And yet we laugh, we talk. To outsiders we all seem fine and happy. And yet I wonder who else sees my clenched jaw and feels the tension in the air.

Yesterday I lost another dear friend. He did not die. He left my life. I love him and I miss him. He was my confidante for quite a while. He was peace and hope in my life for a while. He is someone with whom I could be completely honest, when I could not be honest with anyone else. He was my safe harbor in this storm because I could be myself without him judging my thoughts and my feelings, about life, about my children, about my divorce, about my faith. Now he is gone. And yet I tell no one of my loss. They do not understand. Every time I mention a man's name, whether colleague or friend, to anyone I see worried looks in their eyes, and hear, "Don't rush into anything." They suspect that I might just commit the heinous crime of dating. And so I cannot tell them that I lost one of my best friends and it's killing me. I can't tell them of our friendship or our loss of it. They would not understand, and I don't think I could explain it. What will they do when/if I do start actually dating? In the meantime, I smile. I say I am okay. I pretend that nothing has happened.

Another friend asked me today. What makes you happy and what makes you sad. I told him a long list of the things that make me happy. What makes me most sad is ending relationships. My heart continues to ache. I feel like I have been at war, and maybe I have. The relationship casualties are high. There is a hole in my heart for the loss of each of these relationships. I wonder if there will be any heart left by the time all is said and done.

I smile. I act...... as if. I am a mask, a facade, a mirage, a ghost of my former self.

Illusions

So the light ahead turned out to be a train after all! It wasn't the sun! I'm so tired of this fire, I can barely move. My lawn needs mowed. My house needs cleaned. All I can do is sit. Too much loss to bear. I keep trying to move on. Honest! It just is not to be. The jerk is now contesting the divorce settlement. When the papers are filed, I will legally be married to the jerk again. I can't stand it! I'm going back to bed. When it's over, come get me!

Not really, I have a divorce to fight for. Now I will need to make all the drug use and mess of my life public (well, more public than it is,which isn't saying much since almost 200 people know my every move.). Anyway, I have this weekend to decide whether to fight it or not. He wants child support and a higher percentage of the house sale profit. I honestly want to help the boys, but the court standard is to pay 20% of my income, per child. And there is no way to arrange for paying bills directly. He gets cash. Like that will go to the kids' care! AAaaaaahhhhhh! I might have to get a second job. When the hell I'd work a second job is beyond my comprehension!

The fire rages on. There is almost nothing left of this phoenix to rise with. There are no treasures left in the ashes.