When will he learn that there is no, "We?" Yesterday a phone call, "We need to get together and talk about things. I can't pay my bills, my bank account is overdrawn, I have no gas, I have a ticket that I can't pay and I'm afraid that I'll be arrested. I never get to see my kids because I can't afford to. We need to get together and figure this out!" It's like the needle across the album. urrrrrick! What? "We" need to figure this out? "We?" We haven't been a "we" for almost a year! What part of that does he not understand?
This morning, another phone call: "I'm sorry for yesterday. I just don't know what to do. I can't pay my bills. I'm depressed and totally alone. I can't see the kids because I can't feed them." "Here we go again!" I think. At least this time he's not yelling. Calmly I respond, "G, I don't have any money to give you. I need to pay the mortgage and car payment and live until next payday. I can't help you right now. I can share some groceries if you really need them. And you don't need money to have your kids over for a few hours. You can see them!" ..... The conversation drones on. " I hate to ask you. I'd rather die than ask you for money." Sure! He should be dead then! He asks me every month for help! I'm trying to be patient and not yell at him. "Well, G. if what you're doing isn't working for you, you really need to figure out how to do it differently. If you can't figure it out, you'll have to ask someone else to help you figure it out." DAH!!!! Okay, I'm done. I can't say any more. I try to disengage from this conversation. He drones on. "I'm trying to find more work. I just need .... more a month!........." My brain shuts off and focuses on my son who's trying to tell me he has a stomach ache. My son is doubled over with stomach pains. "I have to go take care of S_ now! ... I have to go...S_ isn't feeling well I have to go...." Finally relief!
I wish I didn't feel so guilty when he's hurting. I wish I could say he just pisses me off and I don't care. After 20 years of taking care of him, it's hard to let go of that. No matter what kind of jerk he is, I do care about him. I don't want him to suffer. I want him to be okay. And I have to just let him drown until he learns to swim on his own. It's soooo hard. Again, my greatest fear is that he'll end up on the streets, and my children will hate me, or beg me to take him in! Last night I had to call 2 friends and ask them to help me be strong. Help me remember to say, "No." They were wonderful! They reminded me that "There is no, 'we,' anymore!"
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
This will sound very harsh, but he needs to get a second job. It's not your fault he spent 10 years trying to find himself and now has no job skills. He made bad choices, now it's time to pay the piper. He won't starve, he won't be homeless, unless he chooses this. He's intelligent and able bodied. It's time to learn to live within his means, and maybe even work a second job. I know that sucks, but too bad.
I think it is a big step for you to say "we aren't a WE" and mean it. It is an even bigger step to take care of yourself right now even if that means he will have to suffer. You said it best. You have taken care of him for a long time. The only way for him to learn how to take car of himself is if he is forced to do it.
Stay strong, my friend. You can do it. You have a lot of strength already.
Post a Comment