Ponderings After a Full Day

It's good to be too busy to think on a day that makes you sad. I drove to yoga and as I drove, the tears surfaced. I couldn't stop them. They just came. Tears for all the major losses over the past year. (How do people who've been committed for 50+ years, ever survive their partner's death?) Tears for A. and tears for E, and tears for T. and tears for S. Even tears for my ex, I guess. At least tears for the life I kept hoping we'd have some day. Tears for my faith which no longer exists as it did. Tears for my dreams of wonderful ministry which I realize is not going to ever happen in my denomination's churches.

It would be nice to be done grieving. Can I be done soon? I feel like a child put in "time out." "Can I come out now?" "Isn't my time up?" Some days I think I'm done, and then there are days like today, when it takes moving at 90 mph to keep from sinking into total despair for the day. A day which took complete focus of yoga to keep from crying more. A day when a massage took every ounce of courage and concentration to relax. A day when a lunch with great friends kept me laughing and eating more than I have ever eaten in one meal. All to keep distracted. To keep the mind busy. And then an immediate trip to meet another friend followed by skeet shooting, then dinner out with my youngest son. It's been a full day alright........And what happened when I was done and headed home? What happened in the 15 minuts I was home to change clothes and go out again? I cried. What else would I do? Happy Birthday to me! Wahoo! I love my friends and I love that so many people tried to keep me happy today. It took practically a whole army of them. Still, the losses haunt me.... At least I made it through this day and don't have to face another birthday until next year.

Tomorrow is my birthday

Wahoo! Tomorrow, I get to claim one more year. This past year seems like it was ten years long, so I can't really complain that it counts for just one. My body screams that it has aged 10 years though! I look like one of our former presidents. You know what I mean. They age at lightning speed while in office. (Except George W. He's too stupid to get stressed.) Gray hair has doubled. The wrinkles on the face are deep now. No hiding them! I think I have permanent frown lines rather than smile lines. If I'd quit clenching my jaw, it would help. No matter how I think I feel, I know I'm still stressed because my jaw is clamped tight. I took one of those true age tests. Did pretty well, even with the smoking, until I came to the stress questions. I think it said I should be dead. Just kidding, sort of. Only 8 years older than I actually am! I went from 10 years younger than I am to 8 years older, all in a couple of questions. Isn't that great news? I keep hoping the yoga will help. Maybe it will eventually. I do feel a bit better. Still.... it does not look good, and neither do I.

If It Weren't For Bad Luck...

I swear, if it's not one thing, it's another! My car was hit while it was parked Sat. night. Of course the driver did not leave any information on my windshield! Of course not! I'm sooooo pissed! My insurance is already dropping me because of my son's two accidents. I can't blame them, I wouldn't cover me either. Of course that son no longer lives with me or speaks to me, but they don't know that and probably don't care. Yea! Now I get to figure out how to get that "blood out of a turnip," to repair the car. The hood is folded and the lights is all smashed. It looks minor, but you know that any body work costs at least a thousand! Damn!

Raising my Ebenezer

Never knew what that word ebenezer meant even though I've sung it all my life. It's in the 2nd verse of "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing." Of course I never even thought to look it up. A couple of years ago a friend of mine told me that ebenezers are the rock alters that the Israelites built to God. They were signs to remind them later of God's mighty act in that particular place.

Today I raised an ebenezer. Not to God. But I cleaned out my garden in the back. It was full of rocks that my ex, the kids and I have collected. Most of it was rock that my ex picked up from a rock collector who wanted to be rid of them. I love rocks. All sorts of rocks. I love the line from "A River Runs Through It." "Under the river are rocks from the basement of time, and under the rocks are voices, and some of the voices are theirs." Anyway, the rocks my ex collected were mostly little, pretty rocks. They of course had to be displayed all around the gardens. These little rocks did nothing for the landscape. They just looked odd, placed there haphazardly. Kind of like so many things in my marriage: haphazard, out of place, looking chaotic. So today I started pulling them out of my gardens. I called my ex and asked him if he wants them. He said he did, so I started building my ebenezer, a damn pile of rocks in the middle of the walkway. With each rock I threw on the pile, I thought about the years of living in that chaos. I remembered. Like the ancient ebenezers, I remembered. Not grace and founts of blessing, but pain. It felt good to pull these rocks out of my life and pile them up to be carted away. Each rock represented some sort of chaos and pain. Each rock was removed from my life, and hopefully will never return. As I piled those rocks the old song rang through my mind. (A great gift from my mother is that I recall old songs for just about every occasion.)

"Sorrowing I shall be in spirit, Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit, Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer; Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home."

Now I don't really believe all that, but it did raise my spirits. I thought, wouldn't it be great to come to the end of this pain and be able to say, "Here by Thy great help I've come." Maybe I'm not a total cynic. Maybe I am. It just feels good to have some hope. It feels good to think that maybe there is a god.

One Quick Gripe

I've spent a whole day gathering the final information for my divorce decree to send to the attorney. A WHOLE DAY, driving from one town to another. I thought it would take about an hour. Now I can't get the gd ex to give me the simple vin no. on the vehicle he's driving. The one that he's supposed to get in the decree! It all needs to go in the mail today!! Today!!! It's now 1 hr and 8 min until the post office closes. Damn him! "I'm busy right now." "I'm in a meeting." "I have to go to bed now." "I have to take care of the kids now." Damnit! Now I have to go to where my son works, meet him, and get the vin number if he'll let me. My therapist and my yoga instructor are teaching me to breathe in stressful situations. Here's my first pop quiz. Can I breathe enough to stay calm, and talk rationally? This quiz is hard. I hate it!

Being Loved

It appears that several people I know have taken it upon themselves to make sure that I feel loved and am well entertained while I'm on sabbatical. I have been out to dinner twice, have been given lessons, have been invited on a vacation, have been invited to go out to a bar to celebrate, have been invited to go to a play, was invited to travel to homes out of state for visits, was given a trip to a museum, and was offered the use of a bicycle. There are probably some other things I'm forgetting. It would be a shame to forget any of them. Every few days my phone rings with another offer. Oh... and a friend wants to come help me reorganize my house now that my older children are gone. And another gave me money to spend "just on yourself! No bills or kids!" How much love can one person stand? Wow! If my goal for my sabbatical is to feel loved, I'm done now! It actually is to learn to love myself as much as my friends love me, so that I can maybe feel God's love, if God exists. I am well on my way. And there are a few more of my friends with whom I want to spend time. I need to call and invite them to join me. It's mostly wonderful to have so many people want to spend time with me. Wow! I have never been in such high demand. I guess I've never had so much unstructured time. These friends are my family. They are carrying me through.
Next week, when it's my birthday and my twin and I are estranged, I will try to remember that my friends are the ones who have been most supportive. My friends are the ones who have loved me through it all, without criticism. Next week, on my birthday, friends are taking me to have a massage and then to lunch. They will be my family. Jesus always talked about not worrying about blood lines. It's hard to really live that since some friends come and go throughout out lives. I hope I can be a good enough friend to them that my current ones are part of my life for the rest of my life. They are wonderful!

Happy Garden!

Just want to share a few of my garden views. The world seems right when the garden is in bloom! These a just a few of the photos I took yesterday. Been eagerly awaiting this bloom time and eager to preserve the beauty "on film." Remember film?

Lack of Sleep

We had an interesting night in our house, last night. My son decided to sleep with me and the dog. Some time around 2am, the dog started jumping and running all over the bed. She was determined to wake us up. I kept yelling at her to go back to sleep. She would go to the bottom of the bed, under the covers like she normally does to sleep, then turn around and come back to our heads and dance a jig on us. I kept yelling at her. She wouldn't settle down. My son and I kept trying to sleep through it. We'd just doze off and she would start running up and down us again. She'd leave the room and come back just as crazy. I finally thought that maybe there was a stray animal in the house (which can happen with a dog door). I got up and walked through the house. Didn't see anything. Went back to bed and tried to sleep. Again, the dog would not let us rest for more than a half hour at a time.

At 7am, the alarm went off. I gladly got out of bed and stumbled toward the kitchen. There on the living room floor was the cause of the commotion.... a dead bird! Feathers were scattered throughout the living room and kitchen! I guess the dog was trying to let us know that the cat had brought us a bird. Aren't we just lucky to have such a talented cat? Believe it or not, I was relieved that it wasn't a mouse or rat. We've had enough of those which got away and lived in the house for weeks! I thought cats were supposed to keep critters out of your house, not bring them in. Good night! It's time to try again for some sleep.

Sunday Morning

What shall I do with myself tomorrow morning? I've thought of several places to go worship, including a buddhist temple which my yoga instructor told me about. It feels really good to think of having a whole Sunday with no place in particular to go. It feels good to think about living like half the population and having a whole Sunday to work in the yard or just be lazy. It's not like god and I are on speaking terms, anyway. Perhaps, since this is my vacation I will stay home. I'll work in the garden out back and get that cleaned up. What a mess it is! Sunday without church. I hardly know what that is. I always think about all those people who have Sat and Sun, two days in a row to do chores and play. Sure wish I did on a regular basis!

Grief Reigns

In the last two days the grief has returned full force. The year anniversary of the beginning of the end haunts me. A running tally of losses clicks through my mind. In one year I've lost a husband, my oldest child, my middle child, my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, my husband's parents, my husband's sisters and nieces. I've lost two dogs (one I cared about and the other was just a pain). I've lost a friend with whom I was closer than anyone. I've lost my faith. I may be losing my career. It seems like I've lost everything and every one I most counted on. It's been a full year!??? Can you say it's a "full" year when you're talking about losses? When I add it all up, it makes sense that I continue to grieve. How can I lose so much and not feel lost? I now realize I don't need to feel guilty about this grief. Perhaps I need to not quit worrying about the length and severity of my grief. But then, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being sad. I want to feel better! GDit!
As I walked through the day in a daze, it came to me that I haven't really "lost" many of those people. I chose to let them go. I left them. I chose to leave my old miserable life that was choking me. That doesn't mean I don't miss them. I miss most of them terribly! It just means that I am claiming my choices. I left my husband. Because I left him, his family left me. I left the old life which involved drugs in my home. Because I left that life, 2 of my children, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my niece left me. Most of these losses came in the last month. I didn't mean for them to leave me. I only meant to leave the drugs behind. In the process people I love, chose to leave me rather than their drugs or alcohol. I think what hurts the most is that I didn't expect all these latest losses. I thought my family would encourage me to change the life that was killing my children. It's shocking to see the addicts "circle the wagons," as they use every rationalization to cling to their misery.
And so I miss them all. I am angry with them. I want them to let go of their addictive behavior. They won't and I can't do it for them. I'm shocked and hurt that blame has been thrown on me for wanting to do what's right for my kids. And so I cry. I cry when I least expect it. I cry in my sleep and cry when I'm awake. My sunglasses act as shields to "prying eyes," wherever I go. It's okay... I think. I think I will eventually be okay. It remains harder than I expected. It feels like my life is in a blender and no one turns it off.
As I pondered all of this today, I realized that I would be crazy if I weren't in pain. If I have loved and do love these people, I will be in pain. I also realize that the majority of my losses have happened since January. It's only been 4 months. My children, my siblings and niece are even within the last month. And so I am sad. It's okay to be sad. I also know that although I didn't choose for all these people to leave me, it has been my choices which have instigated their leaving. If I have to live without them so that I can live a better, a healthier life, then that is what I will do. There is no going back to that which sucked the life from me. Someday I hope this new life I chose will be better than my previous one.

Easter

Easter was an interesting day. I was excited to hear Easter music and dress in my new outfit from India. My friends gave me the nicest gift of a really bright, beaded, silk Indian outfit. Been very sick of wearing black preacher clothes through the winter. I felt refreshed to dress in bright colors and welcome spring! It is so much more my normal personality, that it lifted my spirits from the basement. All in all, I found myself more cheered than I have been in months! Go figure! I wanted to be at church and spend time with my friends. I wanted to sing the Easter resurrection songs... the alleluias filled my heart. The service started in the dark, with the black drape of Black Friday, and transitioned into the celebration of the resurrection. My smile came naturally. I was truly happy! That's a first in a long time.

What seemed most odd to me during worship is that I don't really believe the resurrection story right now. I'm not sure I ever have. Probably at some point I have, but I've always been a skeptic. It didn't seem to matter what I believed yesterday. I was relieved to have someone else preach those words of resurrection hope so I didn't have to lie. I was relieved to know that my vacation was coming in just a few hours! I was relieved to not be depressed. I could sing words that I didn't believe with gusto and just enjoy the tunes. It didn't matter what I believed. It was beautiful and I enjoyed the beauty of the worship. For this I am grateful.

Following the service, we had a small service of reaffirmation of wedding vows for a couple. I thought it would bother me. It did a little, but not terribly much. I could separate myself from their happiness to some degree. I do hope they are happy together.

After worship, when I headed for home, alone, I started to feel depressed and then I realized that I was tired and just needed to ignore the depression, eat lunch, and nap. So that's what I did. Fell asleep for the afternoon. Woke in time to take my son to a wonderful dinner at some friends' house. We talked, ate great food, and laughed. We played with the dogs and told stories. We explored their beautiful garden in bloom. All of this lifted my heart.

So my middle son cussed me out when I stopped by his house and wished him a "Happy Easter. " So my other son isn't speaking to me. It was still a good day. In a sea of bad ones, it was the first time I've felt real hope in a very long time. For this I am grateful.

Vacation Day 1

My mind is in a blurr. So many ideas and so little time! I don't want to waste a moment of this vacation in preparation for my sabbatical. It feels great to have 6 weeks stretched out before me to schedule as I please... to do the things I want to do and never get around to doing. It's great to be on enough antidepressants to want to do these things! What a difference they make! It would be nice if my life were such that I don't need them, but it isn't and I'm trying to resign myself to that fact. Oh well. I won't dwell on that right now. It's time to be positive and hopeful for some spoiling of myself right now! Do I dare?! Can I even do that? I think so. I look forward to enjoying a lot of meaningful activities which will hopefully fill my soul.

Later... Have managed to get to a doctor's visit, buy a book for my sabbatical, go out for tea and scones, explore an antique mall and a thrift store for antique linens, teach my son to mow the lawn, and weed eat most of the yard. It's only supper time! It feels great to check things off my list. Plan to get a few more things done tonight. My vacation "to do" list is way too long. Tomorrow I go play all day and all evening! Learn to skeet shoot tomorrow night. Hope I learn to spell it also! Can't wait!

A Very Hectic Week

I can't wait for tomorrow afternoon! It's vacation time for me! I will need to sleep for a week to rest enough for this week. 12 hour days on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and 7 hours today. Five hours tomorrow and I will nap! Yea! It's been a wild and hectic week! The only thing I'm not doing this week is a baptism. Spent every day this week writing and editing bulletins. Had a meeting on Wed night. Worship on Thursday night, Worship on Friday night. A prayer vigil this morning. A funeral, a reception, and a hospital visit this afternoon and evening. Tomorrow we celebrate Easter, followed by the reaffirmation of marriage vows. If only we could fit a baptism in tomorrow! As you can tell. I'm tired, not creative and needing to go sleep for about 10 hours. My brain is mush. It's not just the time, but the mental energy which goes with all this. And squeezing in Easter bunny and Easter clothing shopping was a big challenge! Good Night!

Great Funeral

We had the best funeral I have ever been to, today. It was so great! Great scriptures and great music. We sang and sang and sang! My friend who died, loved God and music. We read all her favorite scripture passages and sang about 9 hymns. The choir sang the Halleluia Chorus along with two other anthems. Her granddaughter sang a beautiful solo! Three people shared memories. Three clergy led the worship. Over 250 people came. We had a great time! And we managed it all in 1 1/2hrs. Then we had a large reception for all. After spending more time planning this service than all the Holy Week services, it was a joy to be a part of it. It was a fitting tribute to our friend.

Black Friday Worship

Our service last night was pretty interesting. I love that it was so interactive and included all the senses. I love that we who were leading, walked to each station of the cross. Dramatically it was good. The problem? I didn't write the liturgy and every station's liturgy was about my most unfavorite statement, "Jesus died for my sins." I began to choke on the liturgy with each repetition. Finally reached the point where I could not say the responses. ( I was not leading at that point.) I think it was in the liturgy at least 30 times! It was not a good night for me personally. Came home and crashed into bed within 30 minutes.

People Who Care

Last night before worship, a woman was sitting in the pew crying. I stopped to see what was wrong and her friend told me, "She's upset because she's worried about you!"

I didn't know how to react or respond! It caught me so off-guard! This crying woman is someone I barely know. She has the onset of memory loss. I'm stunned! I feel terrible for making her feel bad. I feel grateful that she cares so much. As I continue in this process, I am more and more grateful for friends who care so much... friends who love me. They are becoming my family.

My Boys

I miss my sons. I wish they would move through this process quickly. They won't. The middle one only cusses at me, if he speaks at all. The "hardest thing," this trying to get them into treatment, is truly the hardest thing I've ever done. Why? Because it feels like they will hate me forever. I know it won't be forever, but it might be years! I can hardly stand days. I shouldn't have blogged what I just posted because now I'm "getting personal." Now this grief for my own family is welling up behind tears that I keep trying to deny. I'm supposed to stay in "professional" mode this weekend. That's the only way to make it through the marathon. Oh well.

"Good Friday"

It's Good Friday, or Black Friday. Most people call it "Good Friday." I'm not one of those people who has ever thought this was a "Good" day. I wear black from head to toe and no jewelry except a crown of thorns pin and a watch. It's Black Friday. A day of death. Tonight we walk the stations of the cross in worship. We see, touch, smell, hear the crucifixion. I am eager to experience this service. It's a day of loss. A day of mourning. When we remember Jesus' murder.
I don't understand the whole crucifixion thing. Only that Jesus was wise and challenged the standards of people's lives, especially church people. For that, they killed him. It doesn't make sense, that whole theology of "Jesus died for my sins," thing. I think Jesus died because people were/are evil. Don't tell me that is how god forgives us. Don't tell me that Jesus' death somehow makes life better and gives salvation. If there is a god, then god certainly doesn't need someone to die to love me. If there is a god, god doesn't need a martyr. It's not how we die, but how we live that matters.
The truth is that Jesus died, and we remember that today. For that reason it is a sad day. Because he was murdered, we mourn. I can relate to mourning, with all the loss in my life right now. That's where I am right now. It's not just this year, though. I've always related to mourning and never could understand why. My family has great longevity genes. There have been few deaths in my life. In the past few years I've come to realize that there were probably 20 major losses in my life while I was a child. They just weren't deaths so I never recognized them as significant losses. I had 10 foster sisters and brothers who stayed in our home while I was growing up. All of them came into our family quickly and left quickly. No long "hello" or long "goodbye." They came mysteriously while we were at school. Then one day while I was at school, they would leave. It was like magic. The magic social worker came and whisked them to another home. It seems like we wouldn't have connected to them, but we did. Each one became a sister or brother to me. I've wondered all my life how their lives, each one, turned out. Where is Mary? Where is Chrissy? What happened to "the twins," Shawn and Shan? Did we mourn their leaving? Did we do some kind of ceremony? Did we even talk about them at dinner after they left? No. Except for one, Chrissy who lived with us the longest. We went to the movie the night Chrissy was taken away. I think it was my big sister's 16th birthday. We just went to the theater and cried silently in the dark. My family really stinks at "goodbyes." We don't know how to grieve.

I guess that's why I go through such grief each Black Friday. They say when you grieve, your grief is for all the unfinished grief of your past. In that case I have a boat load!

Today I grieve... for Jesus... for my oldest son... for my middle son... for my mother... for my marriage... for my faith... for my brother who died at birth... for my relationship with my sister... for Chrissy... Shawn... Shan... Mary... Harold... Holly... Georgina... Wanda... Eric... Bud. I grieve for my cousin who died a tragic death last week... for my friend who died last Sunday...for.....

May we all have a meaningful Black Friday.

Maundy Thursday

Holy Week has always been the most spiritually significant week of the year for me. Each Holy Week I walk with Jesus emotionally and spiritually. It's hard to finish plans for Easter until at least Saturday night since I am still reliving the crucifixion until Easter. In fact, it's been my tradition without even realizing it that I am in the crucifixion until Saturday afternoon when I force myself to color Easter eggs with the kids, slowly dragging myself to Easter with each egg dropped in a cup of color. By the time we have coated each egg with some artistic or non-artistic flare, I am ready to think about Easter again. (I say again because I of course have been part of planning Easter for months ahead of time.)

This year's Holy Week is different. I approach it from a different perspective, a lost belief system. I'm okay with that this year. Everything else is different, so I can't expect Holy Week to be the same. And yet, I'm drawn into the events of the week. Especially today. I imagine Jesus sitting at the table with his friends for the last time. Hanging out with those he loved, in all their idiosyncrasies... fighting for the best seat at the table... reciting the passover liturgy... Judas sharing the meal with Jesus, and Jesus allowing him there. "You prepare a table before me, in the presence of my enemies... " (Psalm 23) I wonder who said the child's part of the liturgy? Passover is a family meal... Jesus and his friends were family. No matter what people say, I'm willing to bet his mother was there.

Washing feet.... there's a part of the liturgy where everyone washes their hands. It's at that point that we think Jesus would have washed the disciples' feet. The lowly servant's job, Jesus did. He humbled himself. He didn't just anyone. He sat at their feet and cleaned their filth with his love. He even washed Judas' feet. While he was washing Judas' feet, what was he thinking? Was he wishing that Judas would change his mind? What was Judas thinking?It would be nice to have record of their inner conversations. I can't imagine being as humble as Jesus, especially toward Judas. It takes more than a lifetime to learn to love like that! As the rabbi, Jesus would have led the liturgy, taken the role of the "father." At one point in the service, bread is broken and then served and wine is later poured and served. We do these out of context most of the time, we lose track that they are part of a great feast. We eat a crumb of bread and a sip of juice and call that communion. It's not. It's a crumb and a sip. I wish we would have communion with a meal. Eat with gusto! Share our lives, our love and our food. That would be truer to the meaning of communion! Sometimes we do that. Sometimes we get it right.


Maundy Thursday, the day, according to the Gospel of John, Jesus gave the "great commandment." The truth is that the writer of John doesn't really give us the whole "great commandment." The other gospels tell us to love God, love others as much as ourselves. John just says to love each other. I think that's where the church veers off track in only wanting to love the people who are, "one of us." Even though this day is named for the giving of the commandment, I find this gospel's version of the commandment lacking in depth.

Tonight we worshipped. As we move from celebrating the great commandment and communion to the crucifixion, once again I dare to walk along the path with Jesus, both spiritually and emotionally.

Sabbatical

Wahoo! My sabbatical was announced today! I feel energized just thinking about it! I'll have a vacation week after Easter. That will be followed by 5 weeks of sabbatical. I wish it were longer and I wish I were going someplace exotic. Not this time. When my youngest gets older... if I'm still in this career. Most of this one will be local.

The plan is for me to balance something to feed me spiritually, emotionally, physically, and educationally, every day. I plan to take up yoga! I hope to take classes a few days each week, in both meditation and exercise. For emotional and physical health I plan to visit the local gardens, be brave and go ride a bike in the river park. (Borrowing a dang bike since mine was stolen and haven't replaced it yet.) Bike riding is one of my favorite things to do. (except in city traffic) Will also take the dog to the local dog park to play. For spiritual food, I plan to eat chocolate, read, journal and/or blog, and go to all the local art museums. Have only been to one of them once so I'm eager to go! Also plan on checking out Al-Anon further and going to my therapist's. That should pretty much fill a lot of time, considering I'll still be doing the household and parent gig, too. Have a friend who's invited me for a few days to her river cabin. Have another friend who's invited me to Tennessee for a visit. Somehow in all this, I hope I find God again. Or at least figure out a little bit of what I believe.

The best part? A couple I know has invited me to go with them on vacation to the North Caroline coast! A week at the beach! Now that's food for almost every part of my being. If I could find a man to have sex with some time over this sabbatical, all my needs would be met. Hmmm. Dancing would be good exercise. I'm such a chicken though! Wouldn't know a thing about places to dance around here! Probably not safe anyway.

Aaahhhh! I am very eager to be on with it.

Shopping for Two

Went to the grocery store the other day. Had to learn the trick of shopping for two instead of 4 or 5. It was odd. I felt off balance and had to ponder every purchase. "How fast will this go bad? Will we eat it in time? How many gallons of milk do I need now?" (A lot less milk!) Eventually the depression won and I had to put my sunglasses on to hide the tears. Oh well. I didn't die or anything. I just miss my boys. Can you really believe that one? Right now they are children that only a parent can love. And I do. I wish they didn't hate me right now. Wish I could have them over for dinner. Some day that will happen again. I'm still relieved to not be dealing with them daily. Hmmm. Conflicting feelings, of course. Isn't that what parenting is always about? No matter what age they are?

Thought the grocery bill would be less. Finally realized that I still need cereal, etc. It will just last longer. The bill was still the same! Couldn't believe it! But... I think this trip will last 3 weeks instead of 2. Will only need to get milk once in a while. In the monthly total, this is going to be a lot cheaper! Yea! Pond repair money! Good luck to my almost ex as he now has to buy groceries for two teens! I like that part.

Family of Origin

Okay, the more I work on my family, the weirder my family of origin seems. No wonder I stayed in my marriage for so long being miserable. I just didn't realize how crazy we all are. I'm so glad to finally have a great therapist and a few good friends who are healthy.

Rehab

My sons' friend was taken to rehab this week. Go figure. I work hard to have it happen and it fails. He gets caught at school and goes in. My kids think his parents are totally unfair. Hmmm!

Reading to Escape

I've just taken up reading novels again. Wanting/needing to escape for moments at a time... I have discovered that every book I've picked up, no matter what the title or setting, has had a trinity: a doctor, a Tom, and India. What is up with that? It seems like everyone in novels is either a writer or a doctor. And how many of those are there in real life? Of course Tom is a common name. In fact, it's one of my family's names... grandfather...cousin...cousin's son(whatever that makes him to me, I can never remember.)... and my son's middle name. My grandfather was much beloved by all. But what's up with the India thing? These aren't even books written after Slumdog Millionaire came out! And why are all three in every book? Can someone please write something about Larry, in middle management of a large corporation, whose friend is from Brazil?

What Depression is Really Like

This is a quote from Carol Shields's novel, "Unless." It perfectly states my perspective right now.

"It happens that I am going through a period of great unhappiness and loss just now. All my life I've heard people speak of finding themselves in acute pain, bankrupt in spirit and body, but I've never understood what they meant. To lose. To have lost. I believed these visitations of darkness lasted only a few minutes or hours and that these saddened people, in between bouts, were occupied, as we all were, with the useful monotony of happiness. But happiness is not what I thought. Happiness is the lucky pane of glass you carry in your head. It takes all your cunning just to hang on to it, and once it's smashed you have to move into a different sort of life. "

"In my new life-the summer of the year 2000- I am attempting to "count my blessings." Everyone I know advises me to take up this repellent strategy, as though they really believe a dramatic loss can be replaced by the renewed appreciation of all one has been given."

Thank you, Carol Shields for putting words to my struggle.

Ups and Downs

It seems like life is just a roller coaster most of the time. Here's an example of the past few days.
Tuesday: tried to get my kids into drug treatment. The whole thing blew up in my face, but the kids moved out and reduced the stress in my home.
Wednesday: Read on Face book while drinking my morning tea that my cousin died the night before in a tragic accident. Out of 19 cousins, he is the first of our generation to die. Only one uncle and one aunt (out of six siblings and spouses) precede him. We are not very experienced at death. Later in the day, a dear friend called. He needed a place of peace to rest and came to my home to stay. Isn't that wonderful? My house for peace! And it actually was a place of peace and laughter last night. While my friend was here, we discovered we have a mutual friend we didn't know about. We also heard that his son found his birth mother yesterday! A day of death, loss, joy and birth.
Today, Thursday, friends took me to lunch. While there, they invited me to join them on a wonderful vacation to a beach house in May!! Amazing! What terrific friends! I cannot wait to lounge and hike the miles of beach. Then... 15 minutes after my return home, my middle son storms into the house. Without speaking to me, he goes to his room and starts looking for things. He storms out into the kitchen, yelling that I have no right to go through his things. (He found some things missing, of course.) Then he started to throw everything from the counter top to the floor, including 6 or 7 sharp knives from the knife rack.

My insides start trembling. Every time I hear/see such violence it knocks me off balance and scares me to death. It used to be that I could be the strong and calm one when he was violent. I used to be extremely strong. I can't do it any more. At least not now. This past year has totally used up my reserves. My nerves are shot! I realize that my moments of happiness are fragile. I am still very fragile. It's okay, but it will be a while before I gain strength to deal with life in all its complexity.

A Great Trajedy

My cousin died the night before last. Tim was/is a great person and a wonderful father. He was a cousin I always wished I lived near so we could spend more time together. In 1957 four babies were born to three sisters and brothers. Tim and I were two of them. Tim went wild for awhile and disappeared from the family when he was a young adult. He then reappeared, married, had two children and has been a great dad! It is because of him that I have hope for my son. Tim and I were not real close, but as an adult I wished we were, and never did anything about it. This is a terrible loss for his children, parents, brother and nephew. It's a terrible loss for the world to lose such a kind and loving person.

The following is the message sent by my aunt to announce the death of my cousin.

"Please forgive this mass mailing but we are heavy of heart at the loss of our younger son, Tim Tuesday evening due to a freak and deadly accident while trying to cut a tree in his yard. We only hope that the blow rendered him unconscious. His son Cameron had come in from work about 3:30 and had gone to sleep in his room. Tim talked by phone to his daughter about 5:00 pm to arrange a dinner date for Wednesday evening. He planted impatiens and some annuals around his yard and then must have gone to the back yard to cut a large limb out of a tree. Cameron awoke about 10:00 and heard his father's radio playing loudly in the truck and proceeded to search for him. Tim was laying dead under the tree and Cameron tried unsuccessfully to give him mouth to mouth resuscitation. He called 911 and the police took over which is required under the law. There were several teams of police that did their work before sending the body to the state examiner's. Needless to say we are very concerned for Cameron to have had to deal with this tragedy all alone for a few hours. We are all devastated at this senseless loss. There will be a service of celebration .........How we go on from there is another hurdle that is not easy at our age, but we do what we must. You are dear friends that will keep us in your hearts and prayers while we grieve the severest loss a parent can experience."

May Tim rest in peace. 1957-2009.

Today... I am a different person. It always felt like I was a strong person before. Now I know what strong is. Today, the shoulders are squared. I have faced the demons. I did not win. Everyone lost yesterday, they just don't know it yet. They will. There is no end to this process. It goes on maybe forever. It seems like forever. These demons that have been my life which I had not seen, they keep coming. Each day it seems I open another door and release a new horde. They attack my sanity and make me feel weak. Today I stand on yesterday's strength and it feels good. Not that I am blind to the attacks yet to come. At least I can differentiate now... for today... what is my insanity and what is theirs. At least I know that I am headed toward healing. Friends support me even when my family does not. People with clarity speak truth in my ear and I am finally able to hear it. Addiction is so strong, I respect it's strength. It shouts lies to drown out the truth. It blurs vision and blocks all light. It takes over the body and makes it crave corruption. It takes every ounce of my being to fight it's insanity. But it is not mine to fight directly. I can only fight my enabling. It is up to them to fight their own addiction. It is their turn to fight and they do not know that. The demon of addiction is winning over them and they don't see it. They will. If it doesn't destroy them first.

My son left me a note yesterday, "I still love my mom, if she's still in you somewhere." Ouch! What he doesn't see is that I am being the mom I need to be for him. It hurts and it's a nightmare, but it is finally healthy. I pray that he will see that some day.