I'm considering the division of household goods tonight. Looking around the house at all the things we've collected through the years. We've always collected antiques so these pieces have history way beyond our 20 years. The antique secretary is from the turn of the century. It has candle burn marks and ink stains on the fold-down desk surface. We found it in a garage sale "up north." Someone had started to refinish it and gave up after stripping the finish. We put pieces back together and carefully put on a new finish. Who has owned that piece before? What correspondence did he/she keep in the cubby holes? What was the family like? What joys and sadness did they have? I have my great grandmother's chocolate set. In the days when it was used, hot chocolate was a special occasion. It didn't come in packets to add to microwaved water. It was served in fancy bone china. My mother's grandmother didn't have an easy life. Her husband was a tyrant and they lived on a chicken farm. It's hard to imagine that hard man drinking from fine bone china cups!
I can look at these belongings and think, "They're just things. They're not important." These "things" hold history, though. In a sense they hold secrets of people's lives, their hope, dreams, and realities. A dough box sits in a corner of my living room. The women who've owned this, kneaded dough on it's top and placed the dough inside to rise. The sustenance of life, stored, grew and was protected in this box. The dough box was the center of family life, bread being a most important part of everyday meals. What stories does this box hold?
We have an old TV cabinet from the time when families gathered in front of the TV for those few special shows like Jack Benny. They were also a special occasion. Not a babysitter, but a family (and sometimes neighborhood) occasion. Now only the outer piece of furniture lives on in my entry hall. Caned door in the back to allow air flow... decorative veneers of different woods frame the front. What family gathered here? What memories did they make?
It's sad to think of dividing up our household, but it's meaningful to consider the history we have held and do hold. It's good to consider the connection we all have with those who have gone before us and hopefully those who will follow us. This is life! We make memories now with these things, that add to their history. The secretary now holds family games, hours of family fun. The dough box currently holds my Christmas village. The camel back trunk holds our family photos. What will our children use these items for in the future?
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Faith Revisited
It's time to write about the faith journey I've been on since I wrote about it last. Not sure I'm ready to write it yet. Seems odd that I hesitate when I usually write as I go through things. This faith journey has been so hard, though. I suppose it's just hard to put into words and it's a little like exposing too much of myself. But... it's time to write it. Perhaps it will help in some way.
I've been very depressed with doubting, questioning everything I've ever believed about God. Is God real? Does God work differently than I've been imagining? Am I just really pissed at God for not answering my prayers? I got totally frustrated, angry, and scared to death that I was losing a huge part of who I am in all this questioning. It's hard to question your whole belief system when it has been the largest part of who you are! A friend suggested in October that if I wasn't hearing from God in my prayers that maybe I needed to listen in another way. And so I put out a plea to my friends to share their faith stories with me... their doubts... their lives... why they believe. The most amazing thing happened. They answered me! They sent their stories of honest doubt. Most people won't do that. They shared the pain in their lives. They sent their hope and joys. They sent their stories of how they have experienced God and when they didn't feel God was there at all. I was surprised by their responses. They were not what I thought I'd hear. My friends were more honest than I imagined. My friends sent their love... that's what the stories were... their love. And in their love I started to have hope. I started to hear God.
Another amazing thing happened in this process. I was having very restless dreams. Each morning I'd wake tired from physically wrestling in my sleep. I know that one of my friends has studied for years about dreams, dream therapy, and theology of dreams. He came to my mind many times in this process of wrestling with god. I knew that I needed to go visit with him and his wife. I needed to talk with them. There are some other reasons for needing to be with them, but I can't post that info. Anyway, when I sent the plea through email to my group of friends, these two friends emailed immediately saying, "Come spend a few days with us. Come rant at God, talk with us, whatever you need to do." Wow! That was exactly what I needed! And so I made the journey. A long drive to and from their home, where I talked and they listened. I cried and they comforted. They taught me about myself and about these wild dreams. They nurtured me with food and lots of love. And so a bit more of my faith was restored.
Through this process I indeed have learned to listen for God in a new way. In the past, I would pray for God's guidance when it was work related, in a group setting. I heard God's answers through the words of other people. In my personal life, I prayed for God's guidance in private. Waited in silence. Now that silent prayer thing may work for you, but it just didn't work for me. What I've learned is that I need to listen to other people when I'm listening for God, even about my private life. I am an extreme extrovert. It makes sense that God will communicate with me through other people. Or maybe that's just the only way I can hear.
Through all of this I've had some friends who have walked the journey with me. They have loved me when I really was acting insane! They have let me rant and rave. They have kept in touch continually. They have been there when I just needed to know they cared. They have let me question, question, question. They have given their opinion when I've asked for it. Without them, I think I would have lost everything. They have been my safe harbor.
Anyway, my faith is coming back. It is not the same. I can't even explain how it is different. I guess I am more cynical, and still doubting a lot of things from my faith tradition. It's still all very fragile, this small bit of faith I have, but for now I am okay. For now I am not quite as angry at God. I know that part of my doubt comes from my experience of life not matching what I say I've believed through the years. At some point I hope to find consistency. It's still a journey.............
I've been very depressed with doubting, questioning everything I've ever believed about God. Is God real? Does God work differently than I've been imagining? Am I just really pissed at God for not answering my prayers? I got totally frustrated, angry, and scared to death that I was losing a huge part of who I am in all this questioning. It's hard to question your whole belief system when it has been the largest part of who you are! A friend suggested in October that if I wasn't hearing from God in my prayers that maybe I needed to listen in another way. And so I put out a plea to my friends to share their faith stories with me... their doubts... their lives... why they believe. The most amazing thing happened. They answered me! They sent their stories of honest doubt. Most people won't do that. They shared the pain in their lives. They sent their hope and joys. They sent their stories of how they have experienced God and when they didn't feel God was there at all. I was surprised by their responses. They were not what I thought I'd hear. My friends were more honest than I imagined. My friends sent their love... that's what the stories were... their love. And in their love I started to have hope. I started to hear God.
Another amazing thing happened in this process. I was having very restless dreams. Each morning I'd wake tired from physically wrestling in my sleep. I know that one of my friends has studied for years about dreams, dream therapy, and theology of dreams. He came to my mind many times in this process of wrestling with god. I knew that I needed to go visit with him and his wife. I needed to talk with them. There are some other reasons for needing to be with them, but I can't post that info. Anyway, when I sent the plea through email to my group of friends, these two friends emailed immediately saying, "Come spend a few days with us. Come rant at God, talk with us, whatever you need to do." Wow! That was exactly what I needed! And so I made the journey. A long drive to and from their home, where I talked and they listened. I cried and they comforted. They taught me about myself and about these wild dreams. They nurtured me with food and lots of love. And so a bit more of my faith was restored.
Through this process I indeed have learned to listen for God in a new way. In the past, I would pray for God's guidance when it was work related, in a group setting. I heard God's answers through the words of other people. In my personal life, I prayed for God's guidance in private. Waited in silence. Now that silent prayer thing may work for you, but it just didn't work for me. What I've learned is that I need to listen to other people when I'm listening for God, even about my private life. I am an extreme extrovert. It makes sense that God will communicate with me through other people. Or maybe that's just the only way I can hear.
Through all of this I've had some friends who have walked the journey with me. They have loved me when I really was acting insane! They have let me rant and rave. They have kept in touch continually. They have been there when I just needed to know they cared. They have let me question, question, question. They have given their opinion when I've asked for it. Without them, I think I would have lost everything. They have been my safe harbor.
Anyway, my faith is coming back. It is not the same. I can't even explain how it is different. I guess I am more cynical, and still doubting a lot of things from my faith tradition. It's still all very fragile, this small bit of faith I have, but for now I am okay. For now I am not quite as angry at God. I know that part of my doubt comes from my experience of life not matching what I say I've believed through the years. At some point I hope to find consistency. It's still a journey.............
Christmas with the family
Christmas has come and we're stretching out the traditions. It's been awhile since I've written. I feel a bit rusty. We've survived the "first Christmas," in separate households. It's made for an interesting time, but not nearly as stressful as Thanksgiving. So glad I decided not to try to have the almost ex together with us! I've been so busy with work up until the holiday, this is the latest I've ever been in preparing. Shopping up until the last minute... Decorating at the last minute. No baking done beforehand.
The kids were at their father's for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Again friends helped me keep my sanity. I spent Christmas Eve at church then went to some friends' house for a late dinner. Had a very enjoyable evening and came home late enough to go to bed and not think about the empty house. Woke up Christmas morning with the immediate need to wrap all the presents, so that kept me very occupied. Since I didn't have as many presents under the tree this year, I decided to wrap everything in coordinated wrap and bows. The rhythm of the wrapping and the care I took to choose the right wrap and make the right bow turned into a spiritual act of love for my children. I thought about each one of them and their special traits.
I thought about how the oldest thinks he wants to be grown up, and yet needs some extra nurturing for awhile. How he tries so hard to take care of his parents during this divorce and I need to help him not do that. He only has a little while before he is a true adult. He needs to be a kid for just a little longer. I think however that he is learning to be more sensitive with this divorce. Doesn't seem to be quite so self-serving. It's good that he's learning something from all this.
I thought about the middle one and how hard it is to be the middle child. He works way too hard at standing out. I worry that he is developing a drug problem. I'm not sure, but am giving an educated guess that he will need some serious intervention soon. And yet he's been in a good mood lately and not taking life as seriously as he has in the past. He works so hard at being unique, I pray that he will find himself soon. I pray that he finds a job soon, as I know that will boost his sense of worth.
I thought about the youngest. He's so fragile right now. He's also so fun. He irritates the heck out of me with his continual jabber about every little detail of events in his friends' lives. I have to work hard to make myself pay attention. I miss him. He's been with his father way more than with me lately and that really bothers me.
The kids arrived before I was ready. Their father brought them 2 hours early! Don't know his intention for that, but was very grateful to see the boys! We opened our presents one at a time to savor them and really enjoyed ourselves! I think we were all glad to be together. We all laughed and ooo'd and ah'd together. We joked we teased. It was good fun!
Have spent the last two days baking. Now some people would say that's crazy to start my baking after the holiday, but the baked goods are important to us. Since I always work so hard up until Christmas, the days following Christmas are spent really enjoying the holiday in whatever fashion that takes. One year we made the giant gingerbread house, complete with outhouse out back! This year it's been baking the traditional baked goods that mean it's holiday time. I'm so glad I don't worry about doing things on the exact date they are due. It's made the holiday enjoyable.
We tried to have Christmas dinner for 3 days in a row. Never did get all the kids together around the table! The oldest's work schedule has been hard to work around. Especially since he's failed to tell me what time he had to be there until it was too late. Oh well. Sometimes you have to let things go. I'll know how to plan better next year. This has been a year of learning. Relearning how special my children are to me. Learning how to love and be loved in unconventional ways, on a schedule that doesn't follow any rules. Learning how to appreciate what I can and not worry about the rest. Remembering that the holiday is about the spiritual and not worrying about cultural trappings. Realizing what good friends I have and how important they are to me. Learning that I need to let them know regularly what they mean to me.
Merry Christmas!
The kids were at their father's for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Again friends helped me keep my sanity. I spent Christmas Eve at church then went to some friends' house for a late dinner. Had a very enjoyable evening and came home late enough to go to bed and not think about the empty house. Woke up Christmas morning with the immediate need to wrap all the presents, so that kept me very occupied. Since I didn't have as many presents under the tree this year, I decided to wrap everything in coordinated wrap and bows. The rhythm of the wrapping and the care I took to choose the right wrap and make the right bow turned into a spiritual act of love for my children. I thought about each one of them and their special traits.
I thought about how the oldest thinks he wants to be grown up, and yet needs some extra nurturing for awhile. How he tries so hard to take care of his parents during this divorce and I need to help him not do that. He only has a little while before he is a true adult. He needs to be a kid for just a little longer. I think however that he is learning to be more sensitive with this divorce. Doesn't seem to be quite so self-serving. It's good that he's learning something from all this.
I thought about the middle one and how hard it is to be the middle child. He works way too hard at standing out. I worry that he is developing a drug problem. I'm not sure, but am giving an educated guess that he will need some serious intervention soon. And yet he's been in a good mood lately and not taking life as seriously as he has in the past. He works so hard at being unique, I pray that he will find himself soon. I pray that he finds a job soon, as I know that will boost his sense of worth.
I thought about the youngest. He's so fragile right now. He's also so fun. He irritates the heck out of me with his continual jabber about every little detail of events in his friends' lives. I have to work hard to make myself pay attention. I miss him. He's been with his father way more than with me lately and that really bothers me.
The kids arrived before I was ready. Their father brought them 2 hours early! Don't know his intention for that, but was very grateful to see the boys! We opened our presents one at a time to savor them and really enjoyed ourselves! I think we were all glad to be together. We all laughed and ooo'd and ah'd together. We joked we teased. It was good fun!
Have spent the last two days baking. Now some people would say that's crazy to start my baking after the holiday, but the baked goods are important to us. Since I always work so hard up until Christmas, the days following Christmas are spent really enjoying the holiday in whatever fashion that takes. One year we made the giant gingerbread house, complete with outhouse out back! This year it's been baking the traditional baked goods that mean it's holiday time. I'm so glad I don't worry about doing things on the exact date they are due. It's made the holiday enjoyable.
We tried to have Christmas dinner for 3 days in a row. Never did get all the kids together around the table! The oldest's work schedule has been hard to work around. Especially since he's failed to tell me what time he had to be there until it was too late. Oh well. Sometimes you have to let things go. I'll know how to plan better next year. This has been a year of learning. Relearning how special my children are to me. Learning how to love and be loved in unconventional ways, on a schedule that doesn't follow any rules. Learning how to appreciate what I can and not worry about the rest. Remembering that the holiday is about the spiritual and not worrying about cultural trappings. Realizing what good friends I have and how important they are to me. Learning that I need to let them know regularly what they mean to me.
Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Friends
Been hearing from a lot of friends since I "sent up a flair" for some help dealing with this faith crisis. It's great to hear from them and hear some of their stories. It means a lot to me that they care enough to be brave and share their faith experiences. One of my friends wrote that he thinks it's all about relationships. It's all about community. We couldn't get through life without a community of people around us. I agree. Going through hell is one thing. Going through hell with no one, is the worst. I'm so glad to have friends helping me through this! It makes life bearable. One of the great things I'm learning from them is that just about everyone goes through times of extreme doubt. These friends have gone through that and come out in one piece. It's good to know that. It gives me some hope. I'm so glad I have them in my life.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Hope
Please don't freak out about what I'm writing. I'm not going to "do anything stupid." I'm just processing. I think the sadness that has crept into my soul today has to do with loss of hope. When I worked in a psychiatric unit of a hospital, we talked a lot about hope. Most of the people who were in there for depression had lost hope for their future. I guess that's why I'm recognizing that today. I've lost hope for my future. Let's face it, when the two main reasons for your being are living for God and loving your family, and then you discover you don't have faith and your family is a mess, what the hell do you hope for/in? What the hell do you live for? Why get up in the morning? Why do anything? Why go to a job that seems pointless? How do you live without living for God? What's the point? I don't really understand how people get through life without God and the church. What's the reason for being? Now I'm facing what they face. And I only know one person who lives outside the God/church circle. (Not that God and church are equal, just that in my life they go together.) So now what? Been asking my church friends to talk to me about their faith. As you've seen. Only two answered my query in my blog. One more did privately. Few know what to say to a Christian who's lost faith. Few aren't threatened by questions about the core of their lives. Few Christians can actually talk about their deepest beliefs, actually put them into words.
And what do you do about Christmas? Here's one of the biggest Christian holidays of the year! Also the biggest family holiday of the year! What the hell do I do about Christmas? Another "1st" without the husband. yahoo! If it's anything like Thanksgiving, I just want to stay in bed. Damn! I need a pastor. Only most pastor's are the worst at dealing with non-believers or questioning believers. They get defensive. Believe me, I know. Or else they get this smug look and say, "I know. I've had times of doubt." Well congratulations! How the hell does that help me?
So now what? Hang out at Starbucks, asking people what/why they think/believe? Hang out in bars and do the same?
All I know is that I'm tired and lost, and I desparately need something to live/hope for. I know that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other or the jerk will raise my children, and that would ruin them. I'd say that my children are enough to hope in/for, but then I'm the parent of teenagers. Need I say more?
And what do you do about Christmas? Here's one of the biggest Christian holidays of the year! Also the biggest family holiday of the year! What the hell do I do about Christmas? Another "1st" without the husband. yahoo! If it's anything like Thanksgiving, I just want to stay in bed. Damn! I need a pastor. Only most pastor's are the worst at dealing with non-believers or questioning believers. They get defensive. Believe me, I know. Or else they get this smug look and say, "I know. I've had times of doubt." Well congratulations! How the hell does that help me?
So now what? Hang out at Starbucks, asking people what/why they think/believe? Hang out in bars and do the same?
All I know is that I'm tired and lost, and I desparately need something to live/hope for. I know that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other or the jerk will raise my children, and that would ruin them. I'd say that my children are enough to hope in/for, but then I'm the parent of teenagers. Need I say more?
Sadness
The sadness of my life crept into my soul again today. I didn't hear it or see it coming...again. You'd think I'd learn to look over my shoulder. Of course I kind of was this morning and wondered why I wasn't sad then. Now it has come to keep me company. I keep thinking, "If I could just get off my ass and accomplish something, I'd feel better." And then I sit... and think... and cry. Damn! It takes every ounce of energy just to exist. A woman I know said today that she doesn't go to movies anymore since her husband died because she gets cold. She can't sit through a movie without an arm around her shoulder. What a sweet image I have of them together in the theater. And I think, "I never had that. I want that! Someone who cares enough to snuggle in a movie! And maybe I won't ever have it." Life is just too hard sometimes.
Failed Again
Well I'm sitting at my desk, at the same time I'm supposed to be in arbitration. What does that tell you? He showed up this time. He just started flinging mud immediately. It's kind of odd. I felt like I was an outsider, just watching this man implode. He's broke. He can't take the kids because he can't pay the rent and keep food on the table. Did I feel sorry for him? No. Did I want to help him? No. How can I have any compassion for a man who only shoots darts at me? How can I care that he's broke when he wants to go spend hundreds on bed frames with no mattresses, when he could go buy cheap frames and spend the money on mattresses? What an idiot! As I watched him, I realized that all the uproar which he causes now is just a magnification of what he's done for years. There always has to be a crisis. There always has to be inconsistancy. He won't have a schedule. He won't have a spending plan. He won't care for his children by providing a consistant presence or structure. Reconfirmation that I'm doing the right thing. Now if I can just figure out how to proceed.
I walked out of the counselor's office. Told her I just couldn't continue the conversation. Told her that every conversation with him goes this way. It's time to use the attorney and quit trying to work with him. Of course now he'll say that I sabotaged the arbitration. I actually gave him exactly what he wanted: no arbitration. Maybe I should have stayed. I don't think so, though. The last time we negotiated a temporary custody agreement, he didn't follow it at all. So why waste my time and money attempting to do what won't happen? As I walked out, all I kept thinking was that he wouldn't work with me if I stayed anyway, so why put up with the bull shit throwing?
I walked out of the counselor's office. Told her I just couldn't continue the conversation. Told her that every conversation with him goes this way. It's time to use the attorney and quit trying to work with him. Of course now he'll say that I sabotaged the arbitration. I actually gave him exactly what he wanted: no arbitration. Maybe I should have stayed. I don't think so, though. The last time we negotiated a temporary custody agreement, he didn't follow it at all. So why waste my time and money attempting to do what won't happen? As I walked out, all I kept thinking was that he wouldn't work with me if I stayed anyway, so why put up with the bull shit throwing?
So now I'm at work, and a group of ladies who love to gossip, and don't particularly care for me are here. What a blessing! What a Monday morning!
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