Divorce Papers

I've worked on the divorce some more. Actually completed the papers this time. Even typed a custody proposal for the kids. I guess that's it for now. They can finally be mailed on Monday! Do I want to celebrate? A little. Do I want to cry? Maybe. Mostly it feels like the Twilight Zone... very scary and other-worldly. It's like I don't belong in the picture. Still feels like it's not my life since my life isn't supposed to turn out like this. A few panic attacks later and I might be able to get these papers in the mailbox.

I'm glad I'm going out to dinner tonight with some friends. It will be a nice ending for the day. Perhaps the panic attacks will stop then. Why is it so hard for me to do the right thing? Why is it so scary to take these steps away from him? I guess it's easier to be attached to a jerk than to no one. It all seems to go back to not being very comfortable with being "alone." Much work to do on that. He called today. Broke again. Needs gasoline and cigarettes until Tues. I gave him two packs of cigarettes for 3 days and no gas. I'm getting better! A month ago it would have been a carton of cigarettes and a tank of gas. So I feel good about this. It's another step in the right direction, even in it's imperfection.

Some time in April I should be divorced. That's my goal at this point. It will be one year ago on the first weekend in April since I decided he had to leave the first time. It's hard to believe!