Grief Reigns

In the last two days the grief has returned full force. The year anniversary of the beginning of the end haunts me. A running tally of losses clicks through my mind. In one year I've lost a husband, my oldest child, my middle child, my sister, my brother-in-law, my niece, my husband's parents, my husband's sisters and nieces. I've lost two dogs (one I cared about and the other was just a pain). I've lost a friend with whom I was closer than anyone. I've lost my faith. I may be losing my career. It seems like I've lost everything and every one I most counted on. It's been a full year!??? Can you say it's a "full" year when you're talking about losses? When I add it all up, it makes sense that I continue to grieve. How can I lose so much and not feel lost? I now realize I don't need to feel guilty about this grief. Perhaps I need to not quit worrying about the length and severity of my grief. But then, I'm sick of it. I'm tired of being sad. I want to feel better! GDit!
As I walked through the day in a daze, it came to me that I haven't really "lost" many of those people. I chose to let them go. I left them. I chose to leave my old miserable life that was choking me. That doesn't mean I don't miss them. I miss most of them terribly! It just means that I am claiming my choices. I left my husband. Because I left him, his family left me. I left the old life which involved drugs in my home. Because I left that life, 2 of my children, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my niece left me. Most of these losses came in the last month. I didn't mean for them to leave me. I only meant to leave the drugs behind. In the process people I love, chose to leave me rather than their drugs or alcohol. I think what hurts the most is that I didn't expect all these latest losses. I thought my family would encourage me to change the life that was killing my children. It's shocking to see the addicts "circle the wagons," as they use every rationalization to cling to their misery.
And so I miss them all. I am angry with them. I want them to let go of their addictive behavior. They won't and I can't do it for them. I'm shocked and hurt that blame has been thrown on me for wanting to do what's right for my kids. And so I cry. I cry when I least expect it. I cry in my sleep and cry when I'm awake. My sunglasses act as shields to "prying eyes," wherever I go. It's okay... I think. I think I will eventually be okay. It remains harder than I expected. It feels like my life is in a blender and no one turns it off.
As I pondered all of this today, I realized that I would be crazy if I weren't in pain. If I have loved and do love these people, I will be in pain. I also realize that the majority of my losses have happened since January. It's only been 4 months. My children, my siblings and niece are even within the last month. And so I am sad. It's okay to be sad. I also know that although I didn't choose for all these people to leave me, it has been my choices which have instigated their leaving. If I have to live without them so that I can live a better, a healthier life, then that is what I will do. There is no going back to that which sucked the life from me. Someday I hope this new life I chose will be better than my previous one.