A quiet home

Home alone! What an odd development. This never happens. The man is gone, the kids are gone. It's so quiet! The energyrushed out the door with them. Is that a "good thing?" or a "bad thing?" Can't decide. When life is hectic, full of noise and people, the sudden quiet shouts louder than the noise. I think I'm liking this! Can't decide if I want to do something domestic (the place really needs it!), take a nap, lie in the hammock, or read a book. Maybe all of the above. I have all evening! Wow! A whole evening! So I sit and drink iced tea, blog, and eat chocolate. No wonder I'm too skinny. This is not a balanced meal.

Who thinks of the sayings inside the Dove chocolates? Obviously some 13 year old who's enamored with being "in love." Obviously not a woman going through a divorce! It's a bit unnerving to read: "Send a love letter this week." and "Dare to love completely!"
"Temptation is fun... giving in is even better!" when you're having your first evening at home without a spouse. I am eating the chocolate to help me feel better, not suicidal! They should make a divorce recovery set that says things like, "Never marry again." "He's a jerk and you're better off without him." "You will not feel depressed forever." "You're strong. You can do this!" and the old feminist standby: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Can't remember which feminist said that. It's still a great line. In my heart, I can't really agree yet. Wish I could. I'd feel better right now.

Home alone... feels so odd. I'm so glad to be safe and in my own home. No one to yell at me tonight. No one to rage and send me driving off to another refuge! For this I am grateful. I'm also sad. It's another step toward ending 20 years. Another positive step with painful grief. It's definitely an evening for reflection. I'm going to have to learn to do this "alone" thing. I'm going to have to learn to reflect without talking. That's a totally foreign concept! How do people do that? And how do you be alone when you've not been alone for 99.9% of your life? Another day, a different challenge. There have been too many challenges these months. I'm tired of learning to do new things! I just get over one hurdle, and there's another one immediately. When is the rest? When is there a routine? When do you get to relax? When do you sleep through the night again? Does it ever feel right to not have a spouse? or someone you love and who loves you back? I think I'll eat some more chocolate. Next time I'm getting a different brand. No more depressing love notes on my chocolates! If I were in a 12 step program, it'd be time to call my sponsor. Maybe it's time to call a friend. Damn! Wish something were easy and I weren't so damn depressed!

slice of heaven 3

A porch swing on a veranda, overlooking a farm pond and acres of ranch fields. A camp fire with banana boats. Memories of my mother leading us in singing around the campfire.

living in hell with good friends

Keep trying to practice meditational prayer... and keep falling asleep. I keep communicating with friends. I keep trying to have a routine day. I keep trying to find God. I keep trying to have a normal conversation with my soon to be ex. The only thing that's working for me is communicating with friends. I thank God for my good friends with whom I can be honest and off-kilter. I thank God that they can put up with me when I don't even like being with me. I thank God that they're so generous and literally carrying me through this rough time. I can't remember who this happened to. I read it in a book years ago and have done this for people from time to time. The man's, (CS Lewis?) wife died. He lost his faith. He couldn't pray. Two friends came and told him that they would pray for him. Not meaning that they would pray for God to help him, but that they would pray in his stead. They would confess his sins, give his praises, talk with God for him until he felt like he could have a relationship with God again. And they did pray in his stead until his faith returned. I feel like my friends are carrying me in faith until mine returns. Thank God for friends.

slice of heaven 2

Cabernet and chocolate. Waking up to a safe home. Good friends who know you're not normally so crazy/moody/fragile/ desparate, and still care. OU football. Sleeping in.

Gossip

"Who is the father of her children?" I hate church people. They're the most judgemental. No wonder most people don't want to hang out with them.

A Slice of Heaven

A cup of tea with a splash of Woodford Reserve in it. A handful of dark chocolate truffles. A pillow, a good book, and an evening in the hammock. An image to carry through the day.

Just call me crazy

Feeling really crazy today. My life is out of control. Actually it's almost always been crazy and I'm just realizing it. Been thinking about violence today. It's been a bad day with violent words and actions. I find it incredible that I am the person who didn't want her children to have guns. I didn't want them to watch violent TV. My husband and I agreed we wouldn't ever own guns. Now my kids have pellet guns, they play terribly violent video games, and watch horribly violent movies. Where did it all go wrong? With words. With horribly violent words, thrown carelessly at the children and me. Did I notice? Did I stop it? No. How could I be so blind for so long? Now my children are not who I hoped they'd be. They have no confidence. They act violently. I find myself using violent phrases to describe the mundane, without even realizing it. I feel like my only influence on my children was to allow a violence that I didn't label as "violence." What kind of crazy mother have I been? I've worried about illness. I've tried to keep them safe from strangers. I've worked hard to help them with school. I've tried to teach them about God. All along, allowing my blindness to prevent me from protecting. Now I hear the violence and I feel it's too late. I've allowed myself to be bullied, and allowed them to be bullied by the man we all loved. This is a guilt that will last a lifetime. God forgive me.