What's Next

I heard through the grapevine that several people are leaving my church. These aren't crazy people. They're not ultra conservatives, so I thought. They're mainstays... and they've decided to go "church shopping." Ouch! I thought these were people with whom I was close enough that they would talk with me if they had a problem. They are people for whom I care deeply. Now they are gone or going, without so much as one conversation with me. Why? Because of me. They say it's how I lead worship. They say it's because my preaching is bad. The funny thing is, they've become dissatisfied since a year ago... the same time I announced my separation. The real reason? I'm getting a divorce. Yes, because I am human, and have failed at my marriage, I am not worthy of their respect. "The minister should be better than me." If that were true, most ministers would be washing cars for a living. None of us are better than anyone. We're just willing to put ourselves out there for others to criticize. How sad for all of us. A friend told me today that he is upset because their leaving is about leaving him and his wife. It's about leaving the people who love them. Earlier today I was shell shocked. Now I am incredibly sad and hurt. Part of my wants to strike them with anger. Part of me wants to crawl in a corner and cry. Part of me wants to just walk away and say, "To hell with church people!" Part of me wants to hang in loving these people through the thick of it. I have too many parts. I'm exhuasted. This is what hell is. I'm living in it.

There's a vision I've had of my future, in which I have lost everything. I am standing on a street, stripped of all I am and own. I am alone with no home, children, or job. The only things I have are literally the clothes on my back. Today feels like the next step toward fulfilling that vision. I will fight it. I will keep my son. I will not give up on my time with him.

Tonight I think I will go have a good cry and a restless sleep. Damnit!