Thursday, September 3, 2009
Public Scrutiny
There is no fight left in me. I have no energy to cope with conflict or drama. I have no desire to continue living in the public arena. Can I just disappear? Can I just walk away? I know I can't. I know that I must have income of some kind. I also know that I need to look at other options. There is just no desire in me to continue having to deal with my personal life in front of 200 people. I have no desire to stand up to people about my ability or inability to do my job, when their anger at me is really about my divorce. Yes, I'm a failure. Was my failure that I married the wrong man? Was it that I grew and he didn't? Was it that I prevented him from growing up by doing too much? I don't know. I just know that I have failed and I can't go back and make it better. I'm a "bozo on the bus," as Elizabeth Lesser writes. I never claimed to be more than I am. I claimed to be good at my job, and I am. When I came to this place I was attacked for not being the former pastor. For 2 years they attacked me. I fought to be their pastor and to grow this church. They don't want to grow. They don't want to change. They want to go back to being the small club they were before I came. At least the "old guard" does. The newer people would be shocked to know what they were like before. Perhaps they will soon find out. Perhaps they'll fire me. Perhaps I'll quit. All I know is that I can't fight any more... and I can't live under public scrutiny any more.
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4 comments:
I don't know how you guys do it. One way or another, I would not last a week in your job.
It really reminds me of when I was a school principal. Nothing but a glass house.
I know it has been a long time since you wrote this post but I just want you to know that I feel for you. It seems like you are trying to make a difference and lovingly serve people but are being met with significant opposition. One thing I thought of as I read your post was the struggles I went through that taught me an important yet difficult to appy principle. It is that I have to not care what anyone elses' reaction to what I do is but worry only about what God's opinion of what I am doing is. Then it frees me from the inevitably negative often illogical reaction of others. I hope you continue to make a difference despite the negativity from insignifacant, although not seemingly, sources.
Hello! Come to my blog, I hope everyone will enjoy!
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