Home alone! What an odd development. This never happens. The man is gone, the kids are gone. It's so quiet! The energyrushed out the door with them. Is that a "good thing?" or a "bad thing?" Can't decide. When life is hectic, full of noise and people, the sudden quiet shouts louder than the noise. I think I'm liking this! Can't decide if I want to do something domestic (the place really needs it!), take a nap, lie in the hammock, or read a book. Maybe all of the above. I have all evening! Wow! A whole evening! So I sit and drink iced tea, blog, and eat chocolate. No wonder I'm too skinny. This is not a balanced meal.
Who thinks of the sayings inside the Dove chocolates? Obviously some 13 year old who's enamored with being "in love." Obviously not a woman going through a divorce! It's a bit unnerving to read: "Send a love letter this week." and "Dare to love completely!"
"Temptation is fun... giving in is even better!" when you're having your first evening at home without a spouse. I am eating the chocolate to help me feel better, not suicidal! They should make a divorce recovery set that says things like, "Never marry again." "He's a jerk and you're better off without him." "You will not feel depressed forever." "You're strong. You can do this!" and the old feminist standby: "A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." Can't remember which feminist said that. It's still a great line. In my heart, I can't really agree yet. Wish I could. I'd feel better right now.
Home alone... feels so odd. I'm so glad to be safe and in my own home. No one to yell at me tonight. No one to rage and send me driving off to another refuge! For this I am grateful. I'm also sad. It's another step toward ending 20 years. Another positive step with painful grief. It's definitely an evening for reflection. I'm going to have to learn to do this "alone" thing. I'm going to have to learn to reflect without talking. That's a totally foreign concept! How do people do that? And how do you be alone when you've not been alone for 99.9% of your life? Another day, a different challenge. There have been too many challenges these months. I'm tired of learning to do new things! I just get over one hurdle, and there's another one immediately. When is the rest? When is there a routine? When do you get to relax? When do you sleep through the night again? Does it ever feel right to not have a spouse? or someone you love and who loves you back? I think I'll eat some more chocolate. Next time I'm getting a different brand. No more depressing love notes on my chocolates! If I were in a 12 step program, it'd be time to call my sponsor. Maybe it's time to call a friend. Damn! Wish something were easy and I weren't so damn depressed!
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