Just call me crazy

Feeling really crazy today. My life is out of control. Actually it's almost always been crazy and I'm just realizing it. Been thinking about violence today. It's been a bad day with violent words and actions. I find it incredible that I am the person who didn't want her children to have guns. I didn't want them to watch violent TV. My husband and I agreed we wouldn't ever own guns. Now my kids have pellet guns, they play terribly violent video games, and watch horribly violent movies. Where did it all go wrong? With words. With horribly violent words, thrown carelessly at the children and me. Did I notice? Did I stop it? No. How could I be so blind for so long? Now my children are not who I hoped they'd be. They have no confidence. They act violently. I find myself using violent phrases to describe the mundane, without even realizing it. I feel like my only influence on my children was to allow a violence that I didn't label as "violence." What kind of crazy mother have I been? I've worried about illness. I've tried to keep them safe from strangers. I've worked hard to help them with school. I've tried to teach them about God. All along, allowing my blindness to prevent me from protecting. Now I hear the violence and I feel it's too late. I've allowed myself to be bullied, and allowed them to be bullied by the man we all loved. This is a guilt that will last a lifetime. God forgive me.