When expectations don't match reality

You know that saying, "Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?" By that definition I guess you could call what I was doing in my marriage, in my faith and probably a lot of other areas, "insane." I hate to admit that. What I'm learning is that I haven't wanted to keep repeating ineffective habits. I just didn't know what else to do. The truth is, my expectations of life didn't match reality. My senses gave me information which was contrary to my expectations. Instead of seeing this conflicting information, I kept trying to impose my expectations on the world. I didn't/don't allow my experience of the world to inform my decisions. A simple and painful example of this was when I was assaulted on a job interview. My brain just couldn't accept the reality of the situation. "Interviewers don't do this. Interviewers who are members of my church don't do this! It can't be happening!" My brain kept screaming. And so I froze. I coudn't accept reality, and therefore denied it, so I wasn't able to respond.

Flash forward many years and I find myself in the same situation, having repeated the same process throughout my marriage. Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements that we have been "domesticated," with rules for our lives since birth, and those rules create a false dream world. What we do is based on that dream world, rather than the real world. He believes that most people live in their own dream world. How others treat us has nothing to do with us. It has to do with their own dream world.

In my marriage, I lived in a dream world which did not match the reality of my husband's and my relationship. Instead of responding to what was really happening, I kept trying to make my marriage into what my dream world expected. I couldn't see reality, only my dream. I therefore kept trying to make my life into the dream. I kept thinking, "If I just do this.. it will be better." "I shouldnt expect so much from my spouse. You can't expect your spouse to change." "Marriage is hard. You just have to keep trying harder." And so I kept trying to be satisfied with what I had. Blamed myself with my dissatisfaction. Kept trying harder and harder to be "the good wife." The thing is, I could never try hard enough. I could not ever be happy. I kept beating myself up with guilt for not being who I dreamed I was supposed to be in order to live in the dream of my marriage. In the end, I regret those years. I regret my blindness. I regret beating myself and my husband up (not literally!) for not fitting the dream. Meanwhile he kept living his own dream which didn't match mine, and never will. He was frustrated with me and I was frustrated with him. All because we couldn't see reality. I'm still not seeing clearly, but am at least aware that I am not. As I look on it now, I see that if I could have seen reality, I could have made other choices. Perhaps I would have ended my marriage sooner. There were probably many other options that I never thought of, because I couldn't see clearly. I kept thinking there were only two options. Divorce and be a miserable single mom, or stay in a most unfulfilling marriage.

I heard Jimmy Carter talk about peace negotiations with the Carter Center (I forget the official name, now). He said that most people think there are only two choices. "Either I get my way or you get your way." Carter said that he works to find a way where everyone gets what they need. It doesn't have to be. "My way or your way." And when we think of compromise, we usually think that means both people don't get what they want. Real compromise is when both people win, both get what they need.

So where does that leave me now? I have regrets, but I'm trying to "see clearly." I'm trying to move forward and make choices based on reality, not my rule imposed dream world. I keep making mistakes, but at least I'm learning from them. It looks like it will take a long time to learn to "see clearly," and make good choices, but I am determined. I am grateful that I have made some choices and taken some actions to change my life for the better.