One more time

Attempting to go to arbitration tomorrow morning. That's where my almost ex and I get to try to agree on our divorce settlement. He of course "forgot," until I reminded him tonight. Maybe he'll show up. Maybe he won't. It's a strange thing to consider, this settling of accounts, so to speak. Another step toward the end that I want. Another step toward the end that I regret. Mixed feelings seem to be my main mode of functioning these days. It's hard to end 20 years of trying, even though the relationship ended a while ago. It's hard to say, "It's over. I've failed. I tried but I failed. It's time to move on." The preacher today spoke about doing hard things just because God tells us to do them. I kept wondering, "Is this what God wants me to do?" And I had to answer, "Yes." There's a difference, though, between doing God's bidding and doing the lesser of two evils. I think this is a case of "doing the lesser of two evils." It would be great if I felt that God was calling me into something new. Instead it's just leaving something behind. Leaving a part of me, a part of my life in the past. Where am I going? I have no clue. I only know from where I come. Maybe that's enough for now. Maybe not.