Back into the Fire

I realize I've been staying way too busy, trying to avoid the internal/emotional/spiritual work I need to be doing. Started reading a wonderful book, recommended by a wonderful friend, called, "Broken Open," by Elizabeth Lesser. If you have a crisis, big or small, read this book! It's amazing! It's about using our difficult times to learn and grow. Her understanding, which fits my life experience totally, is that sometimes we can't stand the pain and so we jump into the flames on our own. Sometimes we're forced into the fire by life circumstances. In any case, we need to learn to let some things, maybe even all things in our lives/our selves die. We need to let the fire burn away the things that are unhealthy or hindering our lives, that keep us from fully living. And like the phoenix, we will rise from the ashes. We will be more loving, softer, less judgemental, healthier people, with better lives. I'm loving the imagery of the jumping off into the fire. I have chosen that path after resisting it for too many years. And frankly, today I'm tired of the fire. I want that rising from the ashes to happen NOW! It's not going to happen though. I've realized while reading this week that I still have a lot to let go of and a lot to learn. It seems like I've been in the fire forever, and yet there is more that needs burned away... more that I need to release... more that I need to consider as to whether it needs released or not. I guess I don't let go easily, and don't realize how much I need to release. Tomorrow I leave on "vacation." I'm realizing that I am going to jump right back into the hottest flames with this trip. It's going to be a tissue box trip! I don't want to, but I've come to the end of my busy-ness at home. There will be nothing but sand, waves, and hopefully sun to entertain me for a week. There will be no TV. I am taking books, my journals, my yoga and myself into a week of meditation, pondering, wrestling, and hopefully releasing. I have a joy/dread attitude. What will I discover about life this week? What will I love and what will I hate? Will I have faith and what will it look like? Will I be able to let go of my boys who will not be controlled? Who will I love and who will I let go of. Even this week, I've realized that I don't say, "No," to people when that is what I need to do. I don't take care of myself and I commit to people who "poison my pond." At least I'm becoming more aware of doing it. Now it would be nice to realize that before I make commitments! Since keeping commitments is one of my pet peeves, it will work a lot better if I just don't make ones that I don't want to keep. I made two such bad commitments, just today! Aaaaahhh! Practice. Practice. Practice.