Awash in a Sea of Tears

Last night I broke. My heart "broke open." The tears flowed for hours. It felt good to bathe in grief... to release more pain of loss... My heart is heavy about my child.

I regret that I wasn't a better parent.
that I didn't do enough to help him figure himself out when he was younger.
that I didn't leave his father when he was younger.
that I didn't realize his father's anger was abuse.
that I didn't see his depression and treat it when he was younger.
I regret.

I'm angry that after all I've done to help him, he has turned from me.
that the child whom I love has now turned against me.
that the smile that lights a room is never seen because he is determined to self-destruct.
that the opportunity we had for getting him help was sabotaged by his father.
that after giving my life to him, he is treating me so horribly.
I'm angry.

I worry that he will harm himself while he seeks to find his way.
that he will harm someone else while he seeks his path.
that he will lose his way and forget who he truly is.
that he will never come out of his sea of depression and that he will drown in it.
that he will die as a result of his own behavior.
I worry.

The tears of anger, worry, and regret flow. These are not the end of the tears with his name on them, but they are awash in the many years of tears for him. I am grateful for their healing. I am grateful that they are releasing my pain.