Breathing

At birth we take our first breath. At birth we automatically start a process that lasts a lifetime. Inhale... exhale...inhale....exhale. We don't even have to think about it: inhale... exhale...inhale...exhale. The only time we think about our breath usually, is when we are sick...When inhaling becomes a burden. How many nights does it take sleeping in a chair to be able to lie down and still breathe? My youngest panics when his nose clogs up. He yells, "I can't breathe!" I say, "Yes you can. Open your mouth." " But then my mouth dries out." "Yes, but you can breathe!" Not being able to breathe is scary... for all of us. I'm even a bit claustrophobic about swimming. I've been swimming allll my life! Thrown in the pool as a toddler and haven't stayed out since. But I'm smart enough to have figured out that humans can't breathe under water. A few dunking battles with bigger cousins taught me that! Been intimidated ever since. Let's face it. Breathing is important!

I've been with several people as they died. It's the breath that counts, the breath that tells us life or death. It's the breath that loved ones gather and watch. Inhale.....exhale...............inhale.........exhale...................................inhale............exhale. Each long pause before an inhale causes everyone in the room to halt their own breath. Is this it? Is this the moment when she dies? It's almost torture to watch and wait. Sometimes we pray that there won't be another inhale, that death will finally come. We do this not because we want the person to die, but because we can't stand the suspense any longer. We want our own suffering to be over. It's like a 6 hour suspense movie. At some point you can't take it any more. You just want it to resolve! You want it to be over! And some people continue for days with long pauses between breaths. By the time death comes, everyone is relieved that breathing has stopped.

Since a year ago, when I first jumped into the fire of change, I've been struggling to breathe. Honestly, I forget to breathe. Suddenly I realize that I've been holding my breath... taking short, quick ones only when necessary. And then come the long sighs. My ex used to ask me what was wrong when he heard me sighing. He knew I was stressed when I sighed. There is also the sighing that comes from reliving good memories and holding my breath. I haven't done that with him since we broke our bed the first year of marriage. There are times when I sit and relive a really great moment. That's when the good sighs come... when a smile creeps across my face and I realize that I've been a "million miles away," reliving something extraordinary. Those are my favorite sighs. Who doesn't like those? Of course I haven't had those in many months. Even the good memories come with the pain of loss.

Breathing, in and out, in and out. The doctor tells you to breathe normally or take a deep breath. Breathe. For the past year, people have reminded me, "Breathe, S, breathe!" "Take a breath!" "Breathe. You'll be okay." I guess it doesn't take long to be around me before seeing that I've forgotten this necessity of life. It comes in fits and starts. I pause. I hold my breath. I give myself headaches from clenching my teeth and holding my breath. In and out, in and out, it's supposed to go. Mine's more like in.............out, in, out,....iiiinnnnn...........oooooouuuutttt.

I'm taking breathing lessons now. Yes, I've had to start taking breathing lessons. It's called yoga. I think I'm the worst in the class. Two times a week I practice....in......... out.........in..........out. Deep, even breaths, using my diaphragm. It seems like I'm always exhaling when I'm supposed to be inhaling. I double time it, and then have to slow down. I don't breathe. I just hold my breath. It's embarrassing. The hardest thing about yoga for me, is not the odd positions and stretches. I'm a former gymnast and even though I'm not as limber as I used to be, I can do almost everything they've taught, except the breathing! I'm flunking breathing! Breathing is the thing that we do automatically, right? so why can't I do it?

A friend and I have an ongoing message to each other, "Breathe damnit! Breathe!" Yes, it's good to have a companion with the same issue. I don't feel quite so stupid. Perhaps by the time I return from my trip to the ocean, I'll remember to breathe and I can focus on helping him. Most likely I'll relearn to breathe, and forget when I walk in the door of my home. For all of us who are stressed, "Breathe damnit! Breathe!"