I Remember Why I am Afraid

I remember why I am afraid of him. There are always consequences to pay. There is always anger that verges on physical abuse. There's intimidation by a bigger body yelling in my face with the force of a punch. I remember why I am afraid. There's the rage that comes with no warning. It explodes over big or small things. It comes after nice conversations and no conversations. I have never known when to expect it. This is why they call it "abuse."

I convince myself that it is stupid to be so intimidated. I convince myself that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and then the rage hits. The rage is hitting now. It's coming in phone calls that I won't answer. It came in threats over the phone when he found out about the divorce. It came with a phone call from his attorney to my attorney. He is appealing the decree. He actually wants me to put money in his hands to spend as he wishes........ for the sake of the children! Right! He'll use it for them alright. And I just bought a bridge in Brooklyn!

My hope is that this is his momentary rage and we won't have to go to court to discuss my family's drug use in public. Life is just grand! I'm glad I grow stronger every day. I need it.