It's good to be too busy to think on a day that makes you sad. I drove to yoga and as I drove, the tears surfaced. I couldn't stop them. They just came. Tears for all the major losses over the past year. (How do people who've been committed for 50+ years, ever survive their partner's death?) Tears for A. and tears for E, and tears for T. and tears for S. Even tears for my ex, I guess. At least tears for the life I kept hoping we'd have some day. Tears for my faith which no longer exists as it did. Tears for my dreams of wonderful ministry which I realize is not going to ever happen in my denomination's churches.
It would be nice to be done grieving. Can I be done soon? I feel like a child put in "time out." "Can I come out now?" "Isn't my time up?" Some days I think I'm done, and then there are days like today, when it takes moving at 90 mph to keep from sinking into total despair for the day. A day which took complete focus of yoga to keep from crying more. A day when a massage took every ounce of courage and concentration to relax. A day when a lunch with great friends kept me laughing and eating more than I have ever eaten in one meal. All to keep distracted. To keep the mind busy. And then an immediate trip to meet another friend followed by skeet shooting, then dinner out with my youngest son. It's been a full day alright........And what happened when I was done and headed home? What happened in the 15 minuts I was home to change clothes and go out again? I cried. What else would I do? Happy Birthday to me! Wahoo! I love my friends and I love that so many people tried to keep me happy today. It took practically a whole army of them. Still, the losses haunt me.... At least I made it through this day and don't have to face another birthday until next year.
It would be nice to be done grieving. Can I be done soon? I feel like a child put in "time out." "Can I come out now?" "Isn't my time up?" Some days I think I'm done, and then there are days like today, when it takes moving at 90 mph to keep from sinking into total despair for the day. A day which took complete focus of yoga to keep from crying more. A day when a massage took every ounce of courage and concentration to relax. A day when a lunch with great friends kept me laughing and eating more than I have ever eaten in one meal. All to keep distracted. To keep the mind busy. And then an immediate trip to meet another friend followed by skeet shooting, then dinner out with my youngest son. It's been a full day alright........And what happened when I was done and headed home? What happened in the 15 minuts I was home to change clothes and go out again? I cried. What else would I do? Happy Birthday to me! Wahoo! I love my friends and I love that so many people tried to keep me happy today. It took practically a whole army of them. Still, the losses haunt me.... At least I made it through this day and don't have to face another birthday until next year.
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