Hope

Please don't freak out about what I'm writing. I'm not going to "do anything stupid." I'm just processing. I think the sadness that has crept into my soul today has to do with loss of hope. When I worked in a psychiatric unit of a hospital, we talked a lot about hope. Most of the people who were in there for depression had lost hope for their future. I guess that's why I'm recognizing that today. I've lost hope for my future. Let's face it, when the two main reasons for your being are living for God and loving your family, and then you discover you don't have faith and your family is a mess, what the hell do you hope for/in? What the hell do you live for? Why get up in the morning? Why do anything? Why go to a job that seems pointless? How do you live without living for God? What's the point? I don't really understand how people get through life without God and the church. What's the reason for being? Now I'm facing what they face. And I only know one person who lives outside the God/church circle. (Not that God and church are equal, just that in my life they go together.) So now what? Been asking my church friends to talk to me about their faith. As you've seen. Only two answered my query in my blog. One more did privately. Few know what to say to a Christian who's lost faith. Few aren't threatened by questions about the core of their lives. Few Christians can actually talk about their deepest beliefs, actually put them into words.
And what do you do about Christmas? Here's one of the biggest Christian holidays of the year! Also the biggest family holiday of the year! What the hell do I do about Christmas? Another "1st" without the husband. yahoo! If it's anything like Thanksgiving, I just want to stay in bed. Damn! I need a pastor. Only most pastor's are the worst at dealing with non-believers or questioning believers. They get defensive. Believe me, I know. Or else they get this smug look and say, "I know. I've had times of doubt." Well congratulations! How the hell does that help me?
So now what? Hang out at Starbucks, asking people what/why they think/believe? Hang out in bars and do the same?

All I know is that I'm tired and lost, and I desparately need something to live/hope for. I know that I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other or the jerk will raise my children, and that would ruin them. I'd say that my children are enough to hope in/for, but then I'm the parent of teenagers. Need I say more?