Faith Revisited

It's time to write about the faith journey I've been on since I wrote about it last. Not sure I'm ready to write it yet. Seems odd that I hesitate when I usually write as I go through things. This faith journey has been so hard, though. I suppose it's just hard to put into words and it's a little like exposing too much of myself. But... it's time to write it. Perhaps it will help in some way.

I've been very depressed with doubting, questioning everything I've ever believed about God. Is God real? Does God work differently than I've been imagining? Am I just really pissed at God for not answering my prayers? I got totally frustrated, angry, and scared to death that I was losing a huge part of who I am in all this questioning. It's hard to question your whole belief system when it has been the largest part of who you are! A friend suggested in October that if I wasn't hearing from God in my prayers that maybe I needed to listen in another way. And so I put out a plea to my friends to share their faith stories with me... their doubts... their lives... why they believe. The most amazing thing happened. They answered me! They sent their stories of honest doubt. Most people won't do that. They shared the pain in their lives. They sent their hope and joys. They sent their stories of how they have experienced God and when they didn't feel God was there at all. I was surprised by their responses. They were not what I thought I'd hear. My friends were more honest than I imagined. My friends sent their love... that's what the stories were... their love. And in their love I started to have hope. I started to hear God.

Another amazing thing happened in this process. I was having very restless dreams. Each morning I'd wake tired from physically wrestling in my sleep. I know that one of my friends has studied for years about dreams, dream therapy, and theology of dreams. He came to my mind many times in this process of wrestling with god. I knew that I needed to go visit with him and his wife. I needed to talk with them. There are some other reasons for needing to be with them, but I can't post that info. Anyway, when I sent the plea through email to my group of friends, these two friends emailed immediately saying, "Come spend a few days with us. Come rant at God, talk with us, whatever you need to do." Wow! That was exactly what I needed! And so I made the journey. A long drive to and from their home, where I talked and they listened. I cried and they comforted. They taught me about myself and about these wild dreams. They nurtured me with food and lots of love. And so a bit more of my faith was restored.

Through this process I indeed have learned to listen for God in a new way. In the past, I would pray for God's guidance when it was work related, in a group setting. I heard God's answers through the words of other people. In my personal life, I prayed for God's guidance in private. Waited in silence. Now that silent prayer thing may work for you, but it just didn't work for me. What I've learned is that I need to listen to other people when I'm listening for God, even about my private life. I am an extreme extrovert. It makes sense that God will communicate with me through other people. Or maybe that's just the only way I can hear.

Through all of this I've had some friends who have walked the journey with me. They have loved me when I really was acting insane! They have let me rant and rave. They have kept in touch continually. They have been there when I just needed to know they cared. They have let me question, question, question. They have given their opinion when I've asked for it. Without them, I think I would have lost everything. They have been my safe harbor.
Anyway, my faith is coming back. It is not the same. I can't even explain how it is different. I guess I am more cynical, and still doubting a lot of things from my faith tradition. It's still all very fragile, this small bit of faith I have, but for now I am okay. For now I am not quite as angry at God. I know that part of my doubt comes from my experience of life not matching what I say I've believed through the years. At some point I hope to find consistency. It's still a journey.............