God and Me

Still struggling with my relationship with God. It just seems that when I am most in need of God's presence, love, wisdom, God is not there. God is silent. I hear nothing. Yesterday I hurt my leg. It has been a good week, and I was so full of energy, I had plans to do a fall house cleaning today. Now I can't walk. Needless to say, I'm a bit discouraged and angry. Finally went out to the creek to chat with God. I guess I ranted and raved at God for over an hour. It felt good that at last I am talking to God! Don't know when God's going to talk to me! Will have to work on that some more tomorrow. It seems to be tied to my own sense of self. I've realized that when I need to defend another person, I will. When I need to defend myself, I don't. When I need God's wisdom for another person, or a church dilemna, then I hear God guiding me. When I need God's wisdom for me, I hear nothing. Somehow there's a connection. Somehow I think it's that I don't love myself enough. I don't think that God cares enough for me. But how does that work? I sit for hours listening for God, and don't hear anything. It's not like I'm not listening! So frustrating! God, are you there? Where are you? Who are you?