Too Many 8's

Okay, I admit it. I'm addicted to spider solitaire. It's a great game for keeping the numbness. I play these mind games with myself. "You should get up and fix dinner." "I'm busy. (as I keep moving cards on the screen.) "You would feel better if you got off your #$$ and rode your bike." "No, I think I'll stay here and finish this hundredth game." Spider solitaire isn't my usual game. When I'm sane, I play free cell, a couple of games and walk away. But I'm not sane right now. Spider is the perfect game for the insane. It doesn't depend on skill. It depends on the deal of the cards. When you win, you can say, " I won!" When you lose you can say," The deal was bad." Free cell isn't good for the insane. It takes skill and concentration. I'm all out of those right now. When you lose at free cell, it's because you didn't figure it out. It's your fault. When you lose at spider, it was the deal. I need something else I can blame right now. It passes the time, and there's that wonderful "Undo" button!" Don't we all want an "Undo" button for life! What would you undo? I don't mean the simple things like burning dinner last night. I mean the big stuff. What would you "Undo?" I'd undo at least 10 years of marriage. Well, maybe 9. I have a ten year old who I wouldn't trade for the world. Okay, so I'd undo 9 years of marriage. 9 years of trying to do the right thing, trying to help him feel good about himself, trying to help him find a career that fit him, trying to help him learn to keep his temper, trying to keep the house, the job, the kids all running smoothly while he started financial and emotional fires every few days. I would undo all that. I would go back and regain 9 years of hell and be younger when I start all over. It's not fun at 51 with 3 kids and a boat load of debt to start all over. That's basically the problem, why I'm stuck in this pain right now. There's no "undo" button. I can't take those years back. I can't not owe all those corporations money. I can't undo his rage and my resentment that has kept my kids from feeling good about themselves. I can't undo the damage or the good years thrown away, and there is no clear next move. You see I've been missing all the 8's. The cards kept piling up because I didn't have the 8's. I kept hitting the "deal" button, but no 8's. Now I've finally hit the "deal" and all the 8's came marching out from their hiding place. They posted themselves squarely on each pile, blocking all progress, and showing what I couldn't find before. Now, the cherished 8's are all there. I was looking for them the whole game and they hid. Now they're all out of hiding, and smothering me. There's no move. The "undo" button won't save me now. The game is over, and I have lost.