What's Next

I heard through the grapevine that several people are leaving my church. These aren't crazy people. They're not ultra conservatives, so I thought. They're mainstays... and they've decided to go "church shopping." Ouch! I thought these were people with whom I was close enough that they would talk with me if they had a problem. They are people for whom I care deeply. Now they are gone or going, without so much as one conversation with me. Why? Because of me. They say it's how I lead worship. They say it's because my preaching is bad. The funny thing is, they've become dissatisfied since a year ago... the same time I announced my separation. The real reason? I'm getting a divorce. Yes, because I am human, and have failed at my marriage, I am not worthy of their respect. "The minister should be better than me." If that were true, most ministers would be washing cars for a living. None of us are better than anyone. We're just willing to put ourselves out there for others to criticize. How sad for all of us. A friend told me today that he is upset because their leaving is about leaving him and his wife. It's about leaving the people who love them. Earlier today I was shell shocked. Now I am incredibly sad and hurt. Part of my wants to strike them with anger. Part of me wants to crawl in a corner and cry. Part of me wants to just walk away and say, "To hell with church people!" Part of me wants to hang in loving these people through the thick of it. I have too many parts. I'm exhuasted. This is what hell is. I'm living in it.

There's a vision I've had of my future, in which I have lost everything. I am standing on a street, stripped of all I am and own. I am alone with no home, children, or job. The only things I have are literally the clothes on my back. Today feels like the next step toward fulfilling that vision. I will fight it. I will keep my son. I will not give up on my time with him.

Tonight I think I will go have a good cry and a restless sleep. Damnit!

Beautiful Moon

A ball of fire slid down the shade.

The moon glows.

It calls my heart...to an unfulfilled love.

Like a siren, he sings my name to love as I have not.

Memories of love and pain wrestle within.

I stare in awe, in loneliness.

My soul aches.

I want to climb the night... to lie within his magic.

I yearn to touch yet retreat in anticipated grief.

Nights like this lure, enchant, and rob my soul, my breath.

Beauty is meant to be shared.

Two Steps Forward...

My older boys came over today. They actually helped around the house. One trimmed the yard... well, half of it. The other pried carpet tack strips off the floor. What an enjoyable afternoon I had. My oldest was outside most of the time he was here, but I had the honor of driving him to work, spending 15 minutes in the car, talking about his learning to drive. How nice to have a good conversation, which ended with an, "I love you, mom." I actually enjoyed and afternoon of sanding woodwork (which I hate) in the same room with my middle son. We talked calmly about school, etc. Nothing earth-shattering. We just chatted. He let me give him a hug before he left. He said, "I love you." Unfortunately, when I stopped at the store later, I discovered that $10 was missing from my wallet. Thought I was losing my memory with all the stress. Then I found out that the middle one was seen putting my wallet back in my purse. How disappointing.

Honest Words

My middle son called today. He's bored and broke, and wants to do something this weekend. He just has no money. "I think I'm going to sell my camera to get some spending money." "Really? What for? What do you want money for?" The explanation came that having no money all summer meant not having the ability to go hang out with friends. This is the last weekend before school starts. He'd like to go to a movie. "Would you like me to take some money for a movie to you? I could do that."

It's odd how I'm not the enemy when he needs something. It's odd how I am the enemy when I want something. I am a mother though. I do love him. I took him the money. I am tired of seeing my son so sad and angry. Let him have a good night tonight. Let him have fun.

As I handed him the money I said, "Please spend it on a movie, not drugs or alcohol." "Why do you say that?' he asked. Our eyes met and locked. We both know the answer to that. I just looked deep into him and said," I love you." He met my gaze and looked into my heart, "I love you, too," I heard and saw in his eyes. I haven't seen that look in a very long time. It was a very long two seconds while we exposed our love. And then we broke our gaze. I don't want to over do my affection. He'd have to get nasty again to break the spell. Still.... he can't take the love I saw, back. He exposed the truth and I have seen it.

I tuck his love in my heart for safe-keeping.

Energy

Isn't it odd that manual labor drains my brain? Physical exhaustion exhausts my mind. I haven't written in awhile, I know. There's just so much activity, I'm too tired to think. Wish that weren't the case. I miss writing. Would much rather write than paint my house.

Doves Call

Doves call outside my window. "Come. Be melancholy with us. Settle your mind and your heart in the cool of our home." The sun shines through the branches of pecan, and maple, on the expanse of "southern" lawn. Peace reigns in this small oasis from the traffic slipping by on the the street beyond. The world moves on. People head to the grocery store, or perhaps the doctors' offices a few blocks from here. Their focus on their day fails to penetrate the calm of the green life beside them. Car engines overwhelm the doves' coos to the drivers. "Come, rest awhile. Let the day move on without you."

He Wants Her

He wants her, but she doesn't want him. She wants a different him, who doesn't want her. He wants his own her, but she wants no one. Or does she? She wants a convenient him, who doesn't need anything in return. And he wants a new her or maybe not. They all want to be happy, with someone or without. It's amazing that anyone wants the one who wants in return. It's amazing that any two get together.

Life is very messy!