Why Have I Repeated the Pattern

Why have I lived with a verbally abusive man for 20 years without realizing it? Why have I been so blind? My friend says that I have been trained to ignore abuse. You'd think that after working with abusers and victims, I would see the same cycle in my own house! I never saw it. I am so blind, I need to be locked up in a padded room for everyone's safety. My poor children have suffered soooooo much because I was blind. I can't bear the guilt. They don't deserve it, just as I didn't deserve being set up for abuse. It's so unfair to everyone! Such a great family heritage. I'm so glad that I was too weak to claim my own identity and just took on all the dysfunction of my family! A crappy stand-in minister, the son my father didn't have.... the designated victim of abuse. Wahoo! And I have played it all! I have taken part fully! And then I perpetuated it by not protecting my children! I am realizing that just as I didn't protect my children, that's the very thing that I've resented my parents for. They set my sister and me out there to be targets, and even after almost being kidnapped 3 times, they still made us walk alone to school! Since that didn't fulfill the demon demand for victims, they just set me up for my later years! I'm glad I have no girls! At least boys aren't as vulnerable to sexual abuse. (And of course I know that's a myth.) I've worried that I might set them up to be victims of sexual abuse all their lives! It didn't even occur to me that I was allowing myself and my children to be verbally abused all these years! How stupid can one person be? Evidently very stupid! I don't deserve children. I don't know how to make it up to them... I can't fix the past. What can I do?? They are still pissed at me because I don't love their father. They don't see it, and I can't push that concept on them! So what do I do?