Church

Went to a church today. Drove over to the "city" to a large gay church. I've been there before and enjoyed the worship. It felt great to sit in a pew and not be leading. I bawled like a baby. It felt wonderful! It felt like coming home. We prayed and we sang and it was beautiful. And then the sermon came. It was all about taking up your cross and following Jesus. The preacher was good. She talked about doing the hard thing. I could relate to that. That's what this weekend was all about, preparing to do the hard thing this week... And then the preacher continued with words that could have come from my mouth. I recognized the perspective. I believed that until this year. If we take up our cross, we will be given a new life in Christ. The more she talked, the angrier I became. It's not so. I've given my whole life to god. What have I gotten out of it? A crappy life, a failed marriage and terrible parenting! Where the hell is that "new life?" I kept thinking, " I used to believe that." It wasn't real. It was wishful thinking.....I needed to get out of there. Couldn't wait for her to finish so I could find a place in the service appropriate for walking out. Went to the car and waited for the service to end.