I'm tired of being strong

It's been a hard day... a day of spying on my kids, going through their belongings and calling rehab centers. I'm tired. I'm broke or we'd be going out to eat tonight. I just want to curl up somewhere and be comforted by someone who loves me. It's not going to happen. I am just soooooo tired of being strong.... so tired of feeling like an idiot.... so tired of not being loved.... so tired of being alone in this.... so tired of life. Can I just quit now? How many people would really care? A handful. AAAAaaaaahhhhhh! I am too weak to do this! My attorney confused me totally today. He said, "Are you sure you want to put your kids in rehab for marijuana?" "Are you sure you want to make such a big deal of that?" When I asked about my soon to be ex and his use in relationship to visitation with the kids, my attorney said," I'm not sure you want to make such a big deal about this if he's not actually smoking it right in front of the kids!" This is the kind of crap my almost ex used to say and it had me confused forever! According to my ex, and my children, "It's just pot!" How can an illegal drug be "Just," anything? How can an altered mood not affect my children? I now have two kids addicted. Am I supposed to wait until the third one is also before doing anything to stop it? I'm so tired. This is when I really miss affection, when I feel too weak to put one foot in front of the other. This is when I am most unlovable and crave love the most. It's disgusting! I hate my life tonight!