Numb and Terrified

I am numb and terrified of the future. I am not emotional at all. I know it's coming though. The tears will come and I will fall into that hole of depression again. I feel like I'm moving through water. Everything is at a distance and surreal. The kids don't know. The plan will move forward tomorrow. I'll go to a friend's house and make many phone calls. It's time to research and take action. When the plan is in place, I will fall apart and someone will need to check on me. For now I need no emotions and strict determination. Haven't felt this way since we hospitalized my middle child for attempted suicide. At least then I had a husband. It's so odd to be doing this by myself. That's probably the scariest part of all. But then if I didn't have that husband, maybe we wouldn't be where we are today. For now I know that two out of 5 of us are okay. That's terrible. Just two. I must protect my youngest. I must do what I can to stop the older two from destroying their lives. It will blow up in my face. I know that. I still have to do it though. It's the only choice I have right now. It's the only chance we all have. They will hate me, but maybe they'll be grateful eventually. I'm in this alone now. Of course I'm not totally alone. i have friends who will help me. But right now I am the only responsible adult of the family, and I have to do what I have to do, with no family support. I will upset every one. That's just the way it has to be. Hopefully it won't kill me in the process. Honestly, I hope I'm strong enough to do this without losing my mind in the process.