I Keep Hoping

I keep hoping my faith will come back. It seems so odd to be faithless. I'm lost without it. My husband and I used to say that we didn't know how people got through crises without faith. Now I'm finding that in the midst of my crisis, I have none. I just feel numb. Was really hoping that I'd have some great insight during worship last night. I didn't. Now I am getting scared. What will I do with life if I have no faith? What if this isn't temporary? All my friends believe. (And yes, I lost the one friend I had who wasn't a believer. Another great loss in my life! I miss him more than I can explain.) Will I lose all of them? What about my career? What will I do? I'm trying not to panic about this, or make any quick decisions, but it seems like it's been a long time since I believed. Yesterday we entered Lent, the season of repentence... re-turning to God. AAAAahhhhh! It just might kill me to go through Lent, Holy Week, and Easter without belief! It's always meant the most to me! And now I just feel numb. I know that faith isn't about feeling, but I just don't think or feel anything about God. Of course depression has a lot to do with it, but I am not as depressed as I have been. I do enjoy things. Just not anything related to God.



Loss is overwhelming me today. I keep trying to look forward...be hopeful...think positively. Just can't yet. It all seems like loss. My home life, my vision of my future, my faith, my siblings and father since I can't share with them the struggles of my heart and soul, two of my closest friends who I thought were always honest with me and weren't/aren't, god, my career. So much loss. I can't take it.