Today... I am a different person. It always felt like I was a strong person before. Now I know what strong is. Today, the shoulders are squared. I have faced the demons. I did not win. Everyone lost yesterday, they just don't know it yet. They will. There is no end to this process. It goes on maybe forever. It seems like forever. These demons that have been my life which I had not seen, they keep coming. Each day it seems I open another door and release a new horde. They attack my sanity and make me feel weak. Today I stand on yesterday's strength and it feels good. Not that I am blind to the attacks yet to come. At least I can differentiate now... for today... what is my insanity and what is theirs. At least I know that I am headed toward healing. Friends support me even when my family does not. People with clarity speak truth in my ear and I am finally able to hear it. Addiction is so strong, I respect it's strength. It shouts lies to drown out the truth. It blurs vision and blocks all light. It takes over the body and makes it crave corruption. It takes every ounce of my being to fight it's insanity. But it is not mine to fight directly. I can only fight my enabling. It is up to them to fight their own addiction. It is their turn to fight and they do not know that. The demon of addiction is winning over them and they don't see it. They will. If it doesn't destroy them first.
My son left me a note yesterday, "I still love my mom, if she's still in you somewhere." Ouch! What he doesn't see is that I am being the mom I need to be for him. It hurts and it's a nightmare, but it is finally healthy. I pray that he will see that some day.
4 comments:
This is the healthiest thing you have written in a long while. What a great sign, but we still worry about you. Keep your eye on the target, you'll make it.
Amen! Shout it to the Lord, Sister!
Did you notice the 3-4 week stretch where no one was commenting on YOUR blindness?
You were blind, but now you see!
Love ya lots! ...Agape love!
When strength is all you have, it is a powerful thing.
congrats on being strong. You did the right thing. You are the mom they need right now. Addiction is making them think otherwise.
Plus them being teenagers doesn't help.
Hang in there.
Dear kcsofa,
Evidently I'm still blind because I don't get what you're saying I've been blind to. The drugs? I've known about them for a long time and have been working for two weeks to get the boys into treatment, after trying every other approach I could think of. No, I didn't write about them before because I chose not to. My strength? I don't really have any. I've just exhausted every option I've tried. My depression? I know I've been living in depression hell. Did you? Depression isn't a choice. It is life. If my writing was depressing you, well, that's where I've been and I make no apologies. I write to process my life. When it is hell, so is my writing.
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