"Good Friday"

It's Good Friday, or Black Friday. Most people call it "Good Friday." I'm not one of those people who has ever thought this was a "Good" day. I wear black from head to toe and no jewelry except a crown of thorns pin and a watch. It's Black Friday. A day of death. Tonight we walk the stations of the cross in worship. We see, touch, smell, hear the crucifixion. I am eager to experience this service. It's a day of loss. A day of mourning. When we remember Jesus' murder.
I don't understand the whole crucifixion thing. Only that Jesus was wise and challenged the standards of people's lives, especially church people. For that, they killed him. It doesn't make sense, that whole theology of "Jesus died for my sins," thing. I think Jesus died because people were/are evil. Don't tell me that is how god forgives us. Don't tell me that Jesus' death somehow makes life better and gives salvation. If there is a god, then god certainly doesn't need someone to die to love me. If there is a god, god doesn't need a martyr. It's not how we die, but how we live that matters.
The truth is that Jesus died, and we remember that today. For that reason it is a sad day. Because he was murdered, we mourn. I can relate to mourning, with all the loss in my life right now. That's where I am right now. It's not just this year, though. I've always related to mourning and never could understand why. My family has great longevity genes. There have been few deaths in my life. In the past few years I've come to realize that there were probably 20 major losses in my life while I was a child. They just weren't deaths so I never recognized them as significant losses. I had 10 foster sisters and brothers who stayed in our home while I was growing up. All of them came into our family quickly and left quickly. No long "hello" or long "goodbye." They came mysteriously while we were at school. Then one day while I was at school, they would leave. It was like magic. The magic social worker came and whisked them to another home. It seems like we wouldn't have connected to them, but we did. Each one became a sister or brother to me. I've wondered all my life how their lives, each one, turned out. Where is Mary? Where is Chrissy? What happened to "the twins," Shawn and Shan? Did we mourn their leaving? Did we do some kind of ceremony? Did we even talk about them at dinner after they left? No. Except for one, Chrissy who lived with us the longest. We went to the movie the night Chrissy was taken away. I think it was my big sister's 16th birthday. We just went to the theater and cried silently in the dark. My family really stinks at "goodbyes." We don't know how to grieve.

I guess that's why I go through such grief each Black Friday. They say when you grieve, your grief is for all the unfinished grief of your past. In that case I have a boat load!

Today I grieve... for Jesus... for my oldest son... for my middle son... for my mother... for my marriage... for my faith... for my brother who died at birth... for my relationship with my sister... for Chrissy... Shawn... Shan... Mary... Harold... Holly... Georgina... Wanda... Eric... Bud. I grieve for my cousin who died a tragic death last week... for my friend who died last Sunday...for.....

May we all have a meaningful Black Friday.