Ups and Downs

It seems like life is just a roller coaster most of the time. Here's an example of the past few days.
Tuesday: tried to get my kids into drug treatment. The whole thing blew up in my face, but the kids moved out and reduced the stress in my home.
Wednesday: Read on Face book while drinking my morning tea that my cousin died the night before in a tragic accident. Out of 19 cousins, he is the first of our generation to die. Only one uncle and one aunt (out of six siblings and spouses) precede him. We are not very experienced at death. Later in the day, a dear friend called. He needed a place of peace to rest and came to my home to stay. Isn't that wonderful? My house for peace! And it actually was a place of peace and laughter last night. While my friend was here, we discovered we have a mutual friend we didn't know about. We also heard that his son found his birth mother yesterday! A day of death, loss, joy and birth.
Today, Thursday, friends took me to lunch. While there, they invited me to join them on a wonderful vacation to a beach house in May!! Amazing! What terrific friends! I cannot wait to lounge and hike the miles of beach. Then... 15 minutes after my return home, my middle son storms into the house. Without speaking to me, he goes to his room and starts looking for things. He storms out into the kitchen, yelling that I have no right to go through his things. (He found some things missing, of course.) Then he started to throw everything from the counter top to the floor, including 6 or 7 sharp knives from the knife rack.

My insides start trembling. Every time I hear/see such violence it knocks me off balance and scares me to death. It used to be that I could be the strong and calm one when he was violent. I used to be extremely strong. I can't do it any more. At least not now. This past year has totally used up my reserves. My nerves are shot! I realize that my moments of happiness are fragile. I am still very fragile. It's okay, but it will be a while before I gain strength to deal with life in all its complexity.