Finding Strength

Slowly, but steadily now, my strength is returning. My confidence is returning also. It's been a very long journey through this darkness, but I am beginning to see the sun rise. This coming week I face the ex-in-laws and my sister at my son's graduation. I've been thinking about this a lot, preparing for the pain ahead. Yesterday as I sat and wrote, for the first time in forever, I felt strong to face them all. I know that I have done the right things for my family no matter what they think. I'm learning to recognize my feelings and not react to their opinions and attitudes. I'm not afraid of my ex's response to the divorce, either. I knew he'd be angry. He is. He'll get over it eventually, and we can work out our child arrangements then.

Believe it or not, going back to work has helped. The people who have told me that they're glad I'm back, have strengthened me. I wish I didn't care so much about what others think, but I do. It's been a real boost to realize how much I care about my church friends and how much they care about me. I've learned the value of friends over and over again along this process. I'm learning to be a better friend to others. Still have a way to go on that, but I'm learning. I think most people think of friends as extra, that family comes first. They think, and I have thought, that family is always there and friends come and go. A few people who have little or no family realize how important friends are. I am learning more about that every day, and I'm amazed at how powerful and wonderful the bonds of friendship are.

Along the way this week, I am being reminded that I'm a pretty decent person with a lot of skills. So maybe all those "affirmations," I wrote for The Artist's Way really are true. Go figure! It's great to realize that after feeling like an idiot for a year.

I'm still a work in process. I'm still sifting through the ashes of my previous life, but at least my strength is being renewed. Life does not seem overwhelming. When I can get my jaw from clamping down all the time, I'll know that I am almost out of the fire.

Meetings

"It's been lovely, but now I have to scream!"
Bad Girl Art

Meetings must be the reason I'm paid so much!

Returning to Work

Today was my first day back in the office after my sabbatical. It felt familiar and yet odd to pull in the driveway, park my car and head for the door. I fumbled to find the correct key and of course chose the wrong one on my first attempt.

The women came today for Women's Circle. I greeted several of them as they entered the building. It was good to see them... at least most of them. (One, I could live without seeing for the rest of my life.) For the most part, I enjoyed seeing old friends. They invited me to join them for lunch. We chatted as we shared our meal. It felt right to be back with them.

They shared the saga of the raccoons in the church attic. We still have damage from that family of critters. I guess there was a momma and 5 babies living above our heads. Every spring and summer, we have a raccoon problem. The Coons usually outsmart us humans.

After lunch I returned to my office and my desk. I felt a bit odd. "What do I do with myself today? What do I usually do during the week? Can't plan worship yet, we have a meeting about that tonight." I wonder what in the world has been happening in my absence. Perhaps I need to read some emails and minutes of meetings.

My new administrative assistant comes in. We talk for an hour as she informs me of the happenings while I was away. Several people are angry about things that happened. That's not surprising. Other than that, business has rolled along. Worship has happened. Programs have run. Everyone is getting ready to head south to the beach in a couple of weeks.

I find it hard to focus.

And then I have the call from my ex-husband. He explodes over the phone and what little concentration I had, disappears. I decide that I need to head for my favorite hangout and write, after I pick up the kids. Oh well. Tomorrow will be another day.

Tomorrow I need to explain what I did on my sabbatical. I don't dare tell them that I basically spent the weeks recovering from depression, divorce and grief. I can't really explain that although I was trying to be "spiritually" fed, I still don't know what I believe. I'm still what they would call an agnostic. The sabbatical strengthened me. I don't think it is what they would have in mind, though. Yes, I have considered my faith continually. The best I can do right now is accept the fact that I don't know... that I will not know anything definite for awhile, and somehow, that's enough for now. Somehow that's okay. Tomorrow I'll write a summary that will hopefully clarify my weeks to both them and me. Maybe I'll find words to describe the journey which will not end.

I Remember Why I am Afraid

I remember why I am afraid of him. There are always consequences to pay. There is always anger that verges on physical abuse. There's intimidation by a bigger body yelling in my face with the force of a punch. I remember why I am afraid. There's the rage that comes with no warning. It explodes over big or small things. It comes after nice conversations and no conversations. I have never known when to expect it. This is why they call it "abuse."

I convince myself that it is stupid to be so intimidated. I convince myself that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and then the rage hits. The rage is hitting now. It's coming in phone calls that I won't answer. It came in threats over the phone when he found out about the divorce. It came with a phone call from his attorney to my attorney. He is appealing the decree. He actually wants me to put money in his hands to spend as he wishes........ for the sake of the children! Right! He'll use it for them alright. And I just bought a bridge in Brooklyn!

My hope is that this is his momentary rage and we won't have to go to court to discuss my family's drug use in public. Life is just grand! I'm glad I grow stronger every day. I need it.

Fear

Why is it that I panic when the ex is angry? Why can't I do as they tell me to do, and take three deep breaths, and be calm. Why can't I be brave and just not respond. He's not married to me any more. He can't legally do anything to me. I used to hold my own through horrific tantrums. Now, he starts to yell and I go phobic! The adrenalin pumps. The heart races. I panic. I hang up the phone or leave his presence, but still I let him scare the hell out of me!

I don't want to respond like this. I want to remain calm. I hope I master that ability soon.

He just found out we are divorced. He's very angry. Why am I afraid of that? Why am I afraid of him?

"It's better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho for the rest of your life." "It's better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho for the rest of your life." "It's better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho for the rest of your life..........."

I will breathe....

Bad Girl Art

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with that psycho for the rest of your life.

From: Bad Girl Art

Christians Tick Me Off!

For the past 5 weeks I've become very aware of the snobbery of Christians. Christians think they have "the" one and only answer." If you don't believe the way they do, you are just plain wrong. I've known that that is part of Christian belief. Most religions promote the idea that theirs is the ultimate truth and others are wrong. I think, but I could be wrong, that Buddhism is the only religion which doesn't believe that. My experience lately has put me on the receiving end of this attitude of Christians. They assume that everyone around them is Christian. (That part comes from the "Bible belt" mentality.) They impose their terminology and their agenda on the world around them. I've experienced this in line at the coffee counter; As I drive down the road and read bumper stickers; As I talk with my friends; As I talk with strangers in stores. What I have heard through these experiences is that if I don't believe like they do, it's really a matter of my ignorance, and if I just knew what they know, I would believe the same. Of course these people don't know with whom they speak. They don't know that I can talk circles around their Christian jargon and tell them what those words actually mean, and still not believe. They don't know that they are the ignorant ones in the conversation. (Sorry, as I've said, I'm a bit ticked off!)

I've also had the uncomfortable experience of having my Christian friends try to coerce me to believe. I know they mean well. They like me and they want me to regain the faith I've lost. I can't blame them for that. At the same time, I've noticed that when I explain one of my experiences, they will "translate" my words into "Christian," words. They get a twinkle in the eye and lean forward like they have just solved this mystery of my lack of faith and they want to share those magic words which will give it back to me. When I talk about this experience of going down into the fire and rising as the phoenix from the ashes, I get, "Oh! It's your resurrection! You're going to be great in ministry once you figure this out, because you'll be able to talk to people about their real struggles." If I wanted to use Jesus imagery, I'd use Jesus imagery. I don't need it translated for me. It makes me feel like a child whose just been patted on the head. "You'll be okay once you grow up and get the real perspective." I've always told people that if their faith doesn't match their experience in life, then it doesn't mean anything. It is worthless. Here I am, finding my faith doesn't match life and so...... Don't sugar coat it. "Once life is less painful, then you'll believe again." If it doesn't mean anything "in the trenches," then it doesn't mean anything.

I don't know what I will believe eventually. Just don't assume or patronize. And please don't do that to other people around you! It insults and hurts them.