For the past year, as I've lost so much and given up so much, the thing that has bothered me the most has been my struggle with my faith. It was who I was, and now it is not there. I have felt like Alice in Wonderland, falling, tumbling and spinning while grasping at anything and everything to stop the fall. I've tried to regain my balance, to find some kind of center, to hang on to some thing that would give me a sense of who I am. The loss of my faith has been the loss of my identity. Last week I hit bottom for the umteenth time. Last week I wanted to die. Last week I even planned my death. It scared the hell out of me. Last week, I was so scared, I went to stay with a friend rather than be alone. Last week, I cried for two and a half days. That was last week. As I cried and struggled through those days, I wrote to and called several friends, trying to find a reason for wanting to live. I found one reason and one reason only, my hope that one of my children will not be screwed up by my husband's and my actions. I knew that if I died, I'd screw all my children up for the rest of their lives. That is the only thing that kept me alive.
My friends to whom I wrote and with whom I talked, pretty much said the same things they've said over and over again. Somehow, last week I reached the point where I could accept what they said. It was like I finally grieved the last of the worst of my grief for myself, my faith, my identity. A dear friend wrote that I need to live for the sake of living fully, and suddenly I could imagine that. I didn't feel a need to have a great purpose of serving a god I can't believe in now. I don't know for sure, but it seems that I have grieved the worst of my grief for my faith. I don't need that ultimate purpose to get me through each moment. I can now look forward to the future without some specific event dangling like a carrot in front of me. I look forward to just living a normal life tomorrow and the next day, and the next day, and the next day.
It feels good to feel normal again. It's been a long time. It's been a lot of pain. I don't ever want to go through that kind of pain again. I've lost a large part of who I am, and just about everything I've valued. I may lose more. In fact I think I will lose more. Probably will lose my house. Maybe some other things I haven't thought of. But still, I am done grieving the worst of losing my faith, my god, and my identity. Due to the love of my friends, I have survived (barely, but I'm still here.). For my life as it is, I am grateful. For not destroying my youngest child, I am grateful. For my friends who have saved my life, I will always be indebted and grateful. Thank you all.
1 comment:
Wow. Can I say I held back tears? I do not know you, and maybe you will never read this comment... I stumbled upon your page somehow.
Who hasn't struggled in their faith? Someone who is simple-minded, maybe. Someone who doesn't need to? I have. I know what it's like to want to die because I'm at the end of me and I'm lost and scared and don't see the light. But yet, God is still there. How hard to turn our back on the Creator, the Lover of our souls. Seems quite hard. And yet, in the midst of our pain, we so easily want to shut our eyes to all things God. Yet, He so longs (not for robotic worship) but for such sweet romantic relationship with us. So much so that He says in the midst of our deepest darkest pain, "Don't run away. Don't leave Me. You will come through." He loves us. To think otherwise would be crazy. And I've been there.
Don't give up on the One who loves you more than you can imagine. Don't give up on the One who has indeed felt the hell you've been through, even to a worse degree. Remember, Jesus died AND went to hell for you, for me, for us. He has been there.
A simple plea.
Don't turn your back on the One who loves you most perfectly. Turn back to Him and serve Him with abandon, sharing in sweet relationship with the Creator... who knows your ins and outs and exactly who you can be.
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