The Little Girl

The little girl in me is frightened. I realize that's partly what's bothering me. One minute she's afraid of G, that he will hurt her. The next minute she's playing nursemaid to the same person. And then there is the fear that he will die. After loving him for so many years, it doesn't just stop with a desire to not live with him. Indeed there is a fine line between love and hate. This little girl feels both toward this man/boy who has been in her life for so long. I'm driving his truck now, while my sister drives my car. A notice came in the mail from the bank where the loan is from. Will I walk out of work and have it gone because he hasn't paid the loan which is in my name? Will I get a call from my boys that the electricity is turned off at their house because he hasn't paid that bill? How much do I need to take responsibility for? They are my children even if they won't have anything to do with me. How do I handle this? How do I hate G and love him at the same time? My sister, is caring for him today. Did I accomplish much at work? No. I was too worried about him. I was too conflicted about him and my boys. I feel like my life is being totally sucked out of me. Nothing gets better. Instead of thinking, "It can only get better." I think, "It is only going to get worse. It will never get better." The little girl in me wants to crawl into a corner and hide. The little girl in me wants someone to make it all better. The little girl in me knows she can't do that, and that no one can make it all better. It will never be better.