Goddamnit!

Can't I please have a decent day without a crisis caused by my ex? Damn! Damn! Damn! That Son of a Bitch! I had such a great day yesterday! I was happier than I've been in over a year! I was feeling confident! I was energetic! Then (villain music, please) HE Walks in here...before my new drill is even charged all the way. Tells the kids they won't have their cell phones until God knows when because he can't pay the bill. Dah! I asked him what he owes, thinking that if I have to I'll bite the bullet and pay the bill just to have the kids' phones turned on. (How do you keep up with a sophomore and a senior without cell phones?) He says, "$366!" "$366?" He continues, "I can't pay any of my bills and can't keep bumming money from my mother so some things just have to go. I can't take the kids for awhile and I can't provide transportation for them either. I just paid rent and don't have money to eat!" "AAAAAhhhhh!!!!"

Goddamnit! Godamnit! Goddamnit! And I have to order all of my oldest's graduation stuff this month. There's no way I can pay that phone bill and order graduation announcements, yearbook and cap and gown! Damn! And do you know who's most angry and who he's blaming? My oldest says it's all my fault that he doesn't have a phone just when he was finally going to ask a girl on a date (He never has taken a girl out on a real date before!). Now his life is ruined! His dad has to scrape for every scrap of food and ...we just get along fine.... "And it's all your fault!!!!"

What the hell am I supposed to do now? It's a lose/lose situation. And of course now I want to give up my precious new drill so I can get my kids their cell phones. Even with that, I don't have enough! I just can't come up with extra money for him every goddamn month! He's killing me!

Is there no end to the guilt? Is there no end to the struggle with this man? It's one thing to deal with feeling guilty over his suffering. I can get over that. But when the kids are so distraught because their father isn't able to eat, what am I to do with that? What am I to do with the fact that they think it's my fault that they can't see their dad because I took all the money? Damn! Damn! Damn! Of course it's never his fault that the asshole has never bothered to get a job that pays anything, and refuses to go get a 2nd job just to survive now!
What if the court orders me to pay alimony? What if I have to provide it all for the kids and the ex? I'll have to get a 2nd job and send the kids to live with him! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

I refuse to let this drag me down. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution. There has to be a solution......... I hope.

Power Tools

Okay, you men, I get it! I just bought my first power tool that is all my own! I am ready to go spend my paycheck on more! It's truly a power thing! I wanted to call every guy I know and say, "I get it totally!" I want to cruise the Internet, researching all the various saws I now need. I've always been a bit intimidated by power tools. The men in my life have been so protective, they wouldn't let me touch them. They always acted like they were concerned for my safety. Now I know they weren't. They just don't like anyone else using their power tools! I had a table saw once. At least it was supposedly my husband's and my Christmas present. He was so paranoid when I got near it, "Look out for the kickback! It'll break your arm!" "Make sure you stand here." "Make sure you hold it here!" I just walked away. He didn't fool me with the, "I just don't want you to get hurt." I knew even then that was just a lie.

Now I understand the power, the control, the challenge. I will hover over anyone who dares to use my tools! I feel like a new woman! If I have the right power tool, I can do anything! Who needs men? Who needs marriage? Do we need to eat? Do we need gas? No! We need power tools! I can do this single parenting thing! I can have a better life than I've ever had.......NOW THAT I HAVE A POWER TOOL!!!!!!

Abuse

Oh how we hurt each other! Why are we humans so cruel?

I have an acquaintance who's been in hiding from her husband for 3 months because she thinks he was sexually abusing their baby!! AAAAhhhhh! How can anyone do that? Why would anyone do that? That's one of the most horrible things I can think of! I am relieved to finally hear from her. She disappeared I think in Nov. Her husband called me in December trying to see if I knew where she was. I didn't even know that she was gone. I tried through some possible mutual friends to get a message to her that I am safe and willing to help her. Of course I didn't know if the message got through. She called yesterday. I am relieved to know that she is safe. She promised that friends are helping her and taking care of them.

I was also told recently that a couple of teens in a local church are being beaten by their parents. Of course the parents are active in their church, and look like model citizens! "The girls are just clumsy!" Why do people hurt their children? I may not be the best mother in the world, but damn! And of course I have found out the hard way that "Words CAN hurt me," and my children.

It weighs on my heart to know these abuses. Tomorrow I have to tell a pastor that his model elders are beating their children. And of course then there is a very delicate situation with dealing with it in a church. My heart weighs heavy for the pastor. I can't imagine how he'll respond. Maybe he'll "do the right thing." Maybe he'll ignore me. If he is a decent man at all, he will be significantly hurt to know this information. He will have to do something that could drastically change the dynamics of people he cares about. It's odd how information can change your life drastically. I've been there, when the word "abuse" shattered a home... my home. I will never forget that afternoon for as long as I live. Let's pray that this abuse doesn't shatter a church as well.

All this pain. All these lives harmed. Why? Because three people like to hurt their children.

Energy!

Hey! I just discovered yesterday that I had energy! I mean real energy! About half as much as my normal, but enough that I came home from work and actually felt like I could vacuum and cook dinner and get through the night! I was exhausted enough afterward to fall asleep, but this is a huge improvement! The depression must be lifting! Wahoo!!!! The molasses is only 1 ft. deep instead of 3! I am overcome by actually feeling good today! I have to give a lot of credit to my renewed friendship with A. He's inspiring me. He's going through a lot right now. Somehow he's figured out how to change his entire life and feel good about looking forward! I'm amazed, impressed and totally inspired! A., hat's off to you! You are a great friend and an inspiring person! Thank you! I actually believe that I'll live through this and have a good life sometime down the road. It's been a very long time since I have felt hope. That's what it's all about... hope. Can't live without it, but I've been putting one foot in front of the other looking to find it. Damn! It's been a long, hard year! I am actually thinking that things can get better.

Yea Steelers!

Pittsburgh born and Pittsburgh bred!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!
STEELERS ARE #1!!!!!!

Real life in church

To balance out the shock of my other experience this am, I was teaching the children's time about communion. I had them all standing around the table at the front. Now we have several precocious kids in our group. One has just joined the ranks of talking about irrelevant things while I'm teaching. He's about 3. His poor parents have been mortified by his behaviour in previous weeks, so his mother came up front with him. I was teasing her about all the children who have embarrassed their parents before him, and that she need not worry. So he was wandering all around, wouldn't be quiet and wouldn't pay attention. We were just managing to keep it down to a "dull roar." I told the kids about communion being when we remember that Jesus is inside us. When we eat the bread and drink the juice it becomes a part of us, just like Jesus is a part of us. At which point a school age child says, "Well the good part does. The bad stuff goes, well you know." And he motions with his hand to show that he is pooping. I thought his mother was going to fall out of her seat! The mother of the 3 year old has nothing to worry about! It's all been said and done before! I love these kids. You just have to love their honesty and genuine lives.

Faith is relevant?

I had the most interesting moment this morning. I was talking about how our faith has to be relevant to our every day lives or it is meaningless. I said that what we believe in church has to match what we experience outside the church or it is worthless. I got the most appalled looks in response! These people looked like I had slapped them in the face! Huh?!!!! They looked like that was threatening to everything they believe. I even had to back up and say, "This isn't a threat to our faith. If it is the truth it holds up to our daily experiences." Something like that, anyway. I don't know who was more shocked, them or me!!! How can they be surprised that faith has to be relevant or it's meaningless? If that is so threatening to them, then they don't have any faith at all! And I'm the one who's been questioning???? Looks like they need to be questioning!!! Have they ever listened or read their Bibles? Have they ever realized that Jesus only did a small portion of his teaching inside a church? Most of what he did was out in the world! This was not supposed to be a new idea to them! It was supposed to be rehash of what I say all the time! The looks on their faces are engraved in my mind. I don't know what to do with that image. I don't know what to do with the fact that they don't get that! Or that they don't want to get it! I told them that they need to read their Bibles to hear what God has to say, not because it's pretty. That probably sent them right over the edge! Makes me realize how much I think is obvious, but it's not! Going to have to consider this for quite awhile! I'm not sure what I need to do with my work to improve this situation. I feel like I'm a broken record with that concept and they don't get it! Huh?!!! Shocking news! I'm not doing something right!