Shutting Down

It's time for me to shut this blog down. I'm done here. Just as I've finished many things in my life this year. I've finished this blog. There is no more to write. Goodbye!

All Things are Relative... or All Relatives are Things

I keep thinking that there must be something to learn from painting my house for weeks on end. So far no great wisdom has arisen. I've only learned 2 lessons: The first is that my body hates climbing ladders for 3 days in a row. I feel my age. The second lesson is that "all things are relative." Tan paint looks yellow in the dining room, next to the yellowish living room. Tan in the bedroom looks tan. Paint that looks great in the store, looks terrible in my house. After having bright colors throughout the house, "calm" colors look boring. It takes a lot longer than predicted to paint a bathroom with cabinets, shutter style closet doors, windows, etc. So that's the great wisdom I've come up with these past few weeks. Maybe tomorrow, Saturday or Sunday I'll be inspired with something more profound.

Spring Break Trip

A few years ago, we decided to break tradition, and actually go somewhere over spring break. It was a most unusual trip. Unusual enough to not ever attempt another. We drive down to Mategorda in a 2 car caravan with my sister's family. About 20 miles away, toward the end of a long drive, my brother-in-law had a car accident. Of course we were in a small town where people don't move very quickly. The two mothers gathered the children in a gas station parking lot while the men handled the police, insurance, etc. The wait in the gas station was interesting. This wasn't your fancy station, complete with flavored coffee and a snack bar. No. We stood in a hot parking lot, with no relief. We shifted feet, leaned on the wall, sat on the curb, whined and complained, told stories and laughed. A man pulled up and tried to sell us meat out of the back of his truck. Another man pulled up in a Mustang. He looked at my sister and I, corralling 6 children, and tried to "pick us up!!!" That had to have been the most desperate man in the universe! We have no idea what he thought we would do with our children, to go off drinking beer, etc with him! My sister and I will laugh for the rest of our lives over that incident. Finally, some of us took the kids the rest of the way to Mategorda, while my sister and brother-in-law rented a vehicle and had theirs towed to a garage. That was just the first day. It also turned out to have the only decent weather of the trip. By dinner time, a storm moved in. The wind blew so strong, it could knock me down. The temperature dropped to what felt like just above freezing. The kids went to the beach, but instead of shelling or building sand castles, they dug 4' deep pits, the size of a walk-in closet. They carved couches, chairs and tables out of sand so they could hide down out of the wind. Not the best way to spend a vacation at the beach. I think I stayed inside for the rest of the week. One day it didn't rain, and it was bearable to be out in the wind. We went fishing and shelling.

That was the great exciting trip. It confirmed my desire to never travel on spring break again. My brother-in-law flew back down the following week to retrieve his car.

Is It Too Much to Ask?

Is it too much to ask to not hurt anymore? Is it too much to ask to be pain free for awhile? Is it too much to ask to have peace and some semblance of a normal hectic routine? Is it too much to ask to just be? Is it too much to ask to not be the topic of heated discussions? Is it too much to ask to have people not make major life decisions based on my being an idiot and a failure?

Do we have to go there? If I knew then what I know now, I would never have chosen a public profession. I would never have chosen to have 200 bosses to please. I would never have chosen a profession where people talk behind your back and in your face about how bad you are. I would have stayed away from churches all together.

Public Scrutiny

There is no fight left in me. I have no energy to cope with conflict or drama. I have no desire to continue living in the public arena. Can I just disappear? Can I just walk away? I know I can't. I know that I must have income of some kind. I also know that I need to look at other options. There is just no desire in me to continue having to deal with my personal life in front of 200 people. I have no desire to stand up to people about my ability or inability to do my job, when their anger at me is really about my divorce. Yes, I'm a failure. Was my failure that I married the wrong man? Was it that I grew and he didn't? Was it that I prevented him from growing up by doing too much? I don't know. I just know that I have failed and I can't go back and make it better. I'm a "bozo on the bus," as Elizabeth Lesser writes. I never claimed to be more than I am. I claimed to be good at my job, and I am. When I came to this place I was attacked for not being the former pastor. For 2 years they attacked me. I fought to be their pastor and to grow this church. They don't want to grow. They don't want to change. They want to go back to being the small club they were before I came. At least the "old guard" does. The newer people would be shocked to know what they were like before. Perhaps they will soon find out. Perhaps they'll fire me. Perhaps I'll quit. All I know is that I can't fight any more... and I can't live under public scrutiny any more.

What's Next

I heard through the grapevine that several people are leaving my church. These aren't crazy people. They're not ultra conservatives, so I thought. They're mainstays... and they've decided to go "church shopping." Ouch! I thought these were people with whom I was close enough that they would talk with me if they had a problem. They are people for whom I care deeply. Now they are gone or going, without so much as one conversation with me. Why? Because of me. They say it's how I lead worship. They say it's because my preaching is bad. The funny thing is, they've become dissatisfied since a year ago... the same time I announced my separation. The real reason? I'm getting a divorce. Yes, because I am human, and have failed at my marriage, I am not worthy of their respect. "The minister should be better than me." If that were true, most ministers would be washing cars for a living. None of us are better than anyone. We're just willing to put ourselves out there for others to criticize. How sad for all of us. A friend told me today that he is upset because their leaving is about leaving him and his wife. It's about leaving the people who love them. Earlier today I was shell shocked. Now I am incredibly sad and hurt. Part of my wants to strike them with anger. Part of me wants to crawl in a corner and cry. Part of me wants to just walk away and say, "To hell with church people!" Part of me wants to hang in loving these people through the thick of it. I have too many parts. I'm exhuasted. This is what hell is. I'm living in it.

There's a vision I've had of my future, in which I have lost everything. I am standing on a street, stripped of all I am and own. I am alone with no home, children, or job. The only things I have are literally the clothes on my back. Today feels like the next step toward fulfilling that vision. I will fight it. I will keep my son. I will not give up on my time with him.

Tonight I think I will go have a good cry and a restless sleep. Damnit!

Beautiful Moon

A ball of fire slid down the shade.

The moon glows.

It calls my heart...to an unfulfilled love.

Like a siren, he sings my name to love as I have not.

Memories of love and pain wrestle within.

I stare in awe, in loneliness.

My soul aches.

I want to climb the night... to lie within his magic.

I yearn to touch yet retreat in anticipated grief.

Nights like this lure, enchant, and rob my soul, my breath.

Beauty is meant to be shared.